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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

searching for can

My attempt to practice this anti-inflammatory diet is getting progressively worse. Today, I ate a huge slice of pizza. But, it wasn't completely about low self-will; it was more about starvation and the fear and discomfort of starvation. I mentioned lunch, specifically Crumpy's Honey Gold Wings, to my co-workers about 11:30 or noon. It didn't get a rise from them. Between 12 & 12:30, I went to the administrative building to pick up items, sign things, and generally take care of business. It ended up being a lengthy visit from office to office so it was basically 1 o'clock once I got away. One of my case managers was co-leading a presentation at 1pm in the administrative building, 1-2:30. Oh so hungry. I tried to prepare; I ate an orange at the beginning of their training. Nonetheless, it wasn't long before I began to feel deep stabs of hunger. When the presentation was over, I tried to convince my co-workers that we should go and buy some food but they were content with microwave, butter popcorn. I found an office suite with food-- a fruit tray and PIZZA (my other Achilles heel). I got some fruit and walked away. Then I went back for more ('cause I was still hungry) but ended up with a slice of pizza as well. A therapist told me not to get the pizza, I'd regret it later. Half-way through the slice, I thought she was right (but my belly was so happy). So that's my goof up for the day.

Now for my frustration. 5pm, I was leaving work and sleepy. I went to the seamstress for some hems I've been putting off for too long. Once I got back to my neighborhood, I really was not okay with the idea of cooking. I tried to be. All I need to do is brown some ground turkey and then build some nachos. I really don't want to do this. I want to sleep. My sleep has been janky all week and I'm tired. I frantically looked around for a place to eat in my neighborhood. If I had the menu in my car for the hot dog/pizza place or knew of a place that sales pizza by the slice around here, that would have been my dinner. Instead, I bought a pickle from Walgreens. It's a horrible nutritional choice but it keeps me on my diet. Walking to Walgreens' door, I thought of several foods I cannot have. I realized then that I'm searching for some can's-- what can I eat?

I'm so close to throwing in the tile. Maintaining this for a year is too much to ask. Maintaining it for 6 more weeks might be too much. I'm on the verge of giving up and accepting pain (and defeat). To be proactive, I made myself read another section of the Allergy self-help cookbook. If I had (1) more to eat, (2) more options, and (3) simpler options, I think this process would be that much easier.

In other news, a guy that I used to talk to at a camera store suggested that I enter some art fairs. I'm honored that he thinks of me that way. I have nothing ready or organized for such an adventure but I am interested in getting there to see what happens. That's one of the positive influences Cindi had on me.


  1. How fabulous that you are doing this!
    Would you mind posting a list of things you CAN and like to eat so when we are together I'll know what things I can suggest? I asked a co-worker for a similar list recently since she has food issues (we all do - it's just that most of us are unaware of them) - and it will help. I bring snacks into work sometimes and I don't want to bring in stuff she can't share.
    Your list of CANS may be bigger than you think -- it's just that having some things you used to LOVE on the CAN'T list is hard.
    HANG IN THERE!!! Am so glad you went to Yo yoga. I should have gone last night -- am planning to go tomorrow.

  2. I didn't know that you go to a Yo class. Is that a regular occurrence for you?