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Thursday, July 29, 2010

vicarious living

My sister jogged 2 miles today!

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asked her how. She does not know. But she did it. She kept going. Some walkers passed her, but she persevered. Yea for my sister's accomplishment!

I walked for 30 minutes on Tuesday and 15 minutes today. It was a much needed return to the treadmill after something like a 3 month hiatus. It was good for me. I felt it in my legs. My legs haven't been right since I couldn't walk 1.5 weeks ago so I'm hoping this return to the treadmill helps. Maybe I'll eventually jog 2 miles... except I was reflecting earlier on how I can't even jog around the block. * sigh *

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It's 10:45pm and I am wide awake. This is abnormal for me. This is day 3 in the control stage for me. Is their a link so close to the start of this thing? I first felt the energy surge yesterday. I had one of those my mouth is moving much faster than anyone else is listening moments shortly after lunch. I had a healthy lunch: brown rice, tofu, and vegetables (Pei Wei). Energy comes and goes. I was ready to go to sleep during the first 2/3 of work today. haha. But, I do feel better. I might be able to deal with my diet of popcorn, soy cream, corn chips, and fruit if I can keep this energy level up. Now pain is a different story.... :(

Good night, ya'll!

Monday, July 26, 2010

glorious influence

I spoke to my sister today. She told me her youngest son, my fabulous Chris, has talked incessantly about being a nude model when he grows up since returning home after his TN trip.

She doesn't like the idea. I said at least he has goals. True to my reasoning, I suppose, I said it'd be a nice side income while he's college. THAT'S WHAT HE SAID! But he's never wanted to go to college when they talked about it in the past. I then said at least he's comfortable with his body now and will hopefully continue to be as he grows up. She thinks he's focused on getting to see other people naked. I think he has ambition.

It amuses me what my sweethearts will share with their mom :D.

I had a surge of energy this afternoon. I don't know what prompted it. I had brown rice, tofu, and veggies for dinner. Not a lunch to increase the sleepies, I suppose. Since then, energy comes and goes. "I am determined to get better." I'm on day 2 of the control phase of the diet.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Right now, I'm supposed to be giggling with old roommates in GA

but I'm not because there's too much going on at work. Given that shift in details, I should be in bed

but I'm not because I stayed at work until 11pm to create an organized binder with the things needed for Monday's audit.

I feel like I had an opportunity to show a more efficient me with this binder situation but I didn't. Instead, working on it has resulted in long days and a desk that looks like it's been hit with a hurricane and has easily a dozen items on it that I can't find right now, like certain books. Yes, entire books. Paperback.

Part of why I stayed so late today is because I wasted a bunch of time gathering documents that my boss told me I need but I don't really need. I found that out today after I had gathered all of those documents. I could have left at 11pm but been done, at least, if I had known that (haHa!). She told me to include a copy of our quarterly report. What she meant was, include the first 3 pages but don't worry about the subsequent 75 pages. Oh for that detail! But it's done now. Some things.

Today, I also found out that I have something like $3700 unspent last year.

I'm not even gonna go there.

Art show preparation is moving slowly but not at a stand still. I'm really looking forward to getting it all together next week after the audit is done.

I hope that goes well.

Today, I pulled something off the printer and thought it said, "god hates you". Do you think it means he hates me? Before, I saw "what are you waiting for" in something that didn't say that and thought perhaps it was God talking to me about coming out. Same communication principle, different things communicated-- maybe. Maybe it's just a sign of my spiritual insanity.

ah, well, i'll stop the rambling now and actually go to bed.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

moving on

Today,I mailed in my application to work at VA Hospital somewhere in middle TN. I didn't see KSOs (essay questions) with this application so I e-mailed then called the HR person for the positions for direction. She never replied. I'm sending positive energy that way.

Monday, July 19, 2010

a positive

Thinking about the art show makes me feel better. Yea for little things.

Today, I uploaded some more shots to print. Hopefully, I'll get by Wolf Camera tomorrow to pick them up. I forgot I had 4 options for people/shots. I'll see what looks best in person.


thoughts between consciousness and sleep

I feel like I'm dying. I ache all over; it's bad enough that it wakes me up while I'm asleep. Until it's time to wake up. It took me 90 minutes to get up this morning (i.e., 90 minutes after my alarm first went off. I don't even remember those first 10 beeps or whatever). During the day, I mostly want to sleep. During that time just before waking when I have "deep" thoughts, it's occurred to me that I'd quit my job if I could afford to because I feel like shyt. More realistic, I'd take a week off if I wasn't supposed to go to GA this week. It'd look bad for me to take today and tomorrow off because I'm sick, then go to GA for 3 days. I'm thinking of asking my doctor to put me on short term medical leave if I don't feel better soon but there are several important things going on at work that I can't walk away from. This is one reason I want a simpler job. I'm treating myself like crap to get the work done but in the end, there's only me. This is the kind of shyt that got me sick in the first place. I wish I could do it all over. I wish I could have this job but not put it first so maybe then I wouldn't be so sick.

off to get dressed now....

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Look at my basil.

I had basically given up on my garden. Nothing was growing, though nothing was dying. Today, I went out and a leaf on the cucumber plant had totally withered up, like overnight. wtf? And, it rained yesterday morning. I'm not a good gardner. It could be because my soil says not for container gardens but I didn't see that until long after my garden was underway. I went with what the professional gardner I was with thought was important; I didn't read the back of the bag while I was with her. * sigh * There could be so many causes as to why I do not have food, only seasonings that came to me ready to eat. But alas! There is new life on this one new basil plant. I didn't know basil grew flowers.

Item 2- I bought a frame to display "Memphis Music" in the art show. Below are some bad photos of it.



Why are the fibro monsters attacking me? I don't understand. I was being good and following the anti-pain webmd diet when suddenly, my calf muscle went mad during my morning stretch and I spent the next 4 hours unable to stand on my right leg. For weeks now, I've been sleeping like 15 hours at a time 'cause my body thinks it's about time for it to pass out. Surely I am doing too much now but I have so many things to do; what else am I to do? SO MUCH to do at work, things piling up and adding themselves to my to do list including the pending audit. A leisurely 7 hour drive to GA on Wednesday to see my old college mates. Getting things together for next month's art show, applying for the same job at 3 different locations, and why not add being social to the top of this mountain? My fingers, wrists, thighs, back, feet, elbows, and calf muscles hurt and I'm SLEEPY. I'm not used to being here anymore. I don't have time for this ish. I feel close to incompetent and like the mean mama to myself. Let this all pass soon.I hate fibro most for the things it takes from me. You evil bitch, fibromyalgia.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

fibro monster

I feel a little guilty. I didn't go to work this morning. My muscle did something wicked during my morning stretch today, causing one of those blinding pains where I literally don't know what to do because it hurts so bad. From there, I couldn't walk. Not much of an issue initially. I hopped from my bed to my computer chair, somehow took a muscle relaxer, and sat with my heating pad for a hour. It didn't solve the issue. I called in and did about 2 hours of work by phone. Then I preceded to sleep the day away.

I just don't know how it sounds when I call in for fibro stuff. I don't think it makes sense to people. My boss strongly encouraged me to go the doctor if it hurt so bad I couldn't walk. My sentiment is why; doctors can't do much for fibromyalgia patients anyway. I just need to wait it out. Do my fibro sisters feel the same way-- why bother going to the doctor when they don't really know how to make you better?

I'm better now though not great. I'm sensitive all over. I soaked in epson salt but wasn't sure I would be able to deal with the sensations the water caused. I did. I'm not sure it helped. I had pain all over when I got out but took Trammadol and a muscle relaxer to make me feel better. It worked. I'm sleepy again. I plan to go in tomorrow limping or not, assuming I can stand. I can currently stand but feel increased pain within 5 minutes of standing so prefer to stay off of my legs as much as possible. The worse thing about today is I missed a really important meeting. If I hadn't slept though my lunch time alarm, I could have gotten ready in time to be at that 30 minute meeting. I guess I just worry about my image at work in general. I think my House Manager might understand a little more because her son has sickle cell but still fibromyalgia makes sense to so few.

Good night.

more options

One of my ideas for the art show is to display 3 pictures of local musicians and call it memphis music. A variation of that same idea is just to frame a photo or 3 of sj tucker and let her represent my performance work. Below are potential shots of valerie june that I can use:

valerie june 1

valerie june 2

memphis music, valerie june option 3

olga 1

olga 2

olga 3

here's one of my beloved SJ Tucker. It's the only one I can find electronically and I actually swiped this one from facebook.

below is one I took many years ago that was well-liked at that time. I honestly don't know that it'd be the best choice for a lgbt & ally art show though.


uh, since i don't know how to fix this crazy alignment whatnot, here's my uncle and sj tucker again:

and last, my scream, my handsome chris

I'm gonna post a poll so you can tell me which 3 YOU think I should for the show. Thanks in advance. And still feel free to leave comments elaborating on your thoughts or whatnot.

I'm an artist now!

Holy shit! Look at the e-mail I just got!

Great news - we will have room in the art show! I'm pleased that we will be able to show your work. If you could send me the dimensions and pictures of 2 - 3 pieces (depending on the size) that you would like to show that would be great. Try to get back to me by the end of the week as I hope to have all artists finalized by then and send out more info regarding the opening.

Ummm, some more options to show:

above: option 5. title undecided.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


option 6 (above)- blurred vision

option 7 (above)- stairs I

Location: An overgrown baseball field in Nashville

Monday, July 12, 2010

starting again

I'm at a point of change and again beginnings in my life.

Today is day 1 of being back in the control stage of my anti-pain diet. It hasn't been horrific. I've been busy so I haven't had great timing for meals which eliminates options. Less choice, less thinking, just doing. I had tuna and corn chips for dinner, popcorn for a snack, and pop tarts (remove the temptation!) for breakfast. Today is also day 1 of me actually counting points like the Weight Watchers gods want me to do. My goal is 31 per day. I'm probably at around 20 as of dinner. I slumped into WW today after 2 weeks MIA. I knew I had gained weight. I'm +6 since joining 6 weeks ago. Something someone at the meeting said reminded me of why I agreed to try 3 months of Weight Watchers in the first place. I want to feel better. There's a chance that weight loss will increase my energy and decrease my pain. I'm trying the diet from WebMD; why not try this too? I had goals for about 4 of my 6 weeks. Now I'm jumping in with both feet.

Gradually but continuously, I'm feeling that it's about time to move on employment wise. This month, I hope to apply to work at VA Nashville, VA Murpheesboro, and VA Memphis seeking basically the same job at all three locations. I'll be doing what my mom is doing, a job I've wanted since she got it. I'll still be in homeless services, just at a different location. This provides the opportunity for (1) better pay and (2) to finally get out of Memphis. My lease is up in 2 months. With more prior planning, I would probably be working my tail off to leave town instead of applying for such a limited number of positions. Still, I should make arrangements to visit Citizen K because I like her and because I really do want to check out Little Rock. A guy on okcupid told me not to move there but gave me his phone number if I want to know why he says that. I'll probably just stay in a state of mystery.

I'm a photographer. I photographed a wedding over a month ago and have gotten a party gig because of that. The money won't be great but it'll be a paid photography job. I'm siked. I also entered my name to be in an art show. I'm kind of on the waiting list right now but it could happen. I have no idea what I'm going to show. Figuring that out is on the back of my to do list.

Religion has been heavily on my mind since the 4th of July. My parents were having a conversation of the homo bashing kind. I listened to them talk and thought, what if they're right? What if my sexual orientation is a sin and God is displeased? It sent me into an incredibly isolating existence that hasn't completely lifted. It sent me to my on again, semi-off again interest in paganism, something that hits high on my beliefnet religion test and is a religion that fully accepts me. But I don't think I desire conversion. Even if I "become" a pagan, I'll still hold Christian beliefs dear and well, be a Christian. What I really desire is community. The Stone is semi-defunked. It might resurface in the next week or three but I've emotionally disconnected from that group, though not the people. I've attended nearly every open and affirming church in this city but not felt grabbed at any of them. I'm just sitting.... Maybe I'll attend the lgbt christian group at the gay and lesbian community center this week. I'm barely hanging on to....

So here's to new beginnings, a restarting of the old. Here's to higher and farther, onward, upward, excelling. Here's to me. Whole, full, wonderful me.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

nashville trip

Nashville was good. It would have been better if we had gone up the day before but we ended up with about 3 hours at the museum. Cindi called us for dinner so we all ate at a Chinese buffet at her house. 7:30pm we headed home. We got home safely. Thank God. Saturday, I slept 15 hours to kind of recover. Good night, ya'll.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Right now, I'm sad. Many months ago, Cindi and I went to the Adventure Science Center in Nashville. I had a BLAST. My instant reaction was, "I have to bring the kids". I sent an e-mail to my mom and sister listing the activities I wanted to do with the kids (i.e., my sister's children) while they were in town. My sister grabbed hold of this science museum and wanted to go too. Fine. Instead of going up on a Thursday and staying with Cindi like planned, I'd drive up on a Friday and make it all a one day trip. They're be 2-3 drivers so it'd be fine. Then my cousin wanted to go so it'd be a second car but 3-5 drivers so okay. My cousin dropped out a week ago. Okay, fine, plans continued with my sister. She signed up for a class that means she'll get to Memphis a day later than originally planned. Therefore, she'll meet us in Nashville. That makes me the only driver but okay, we'll be in it together (actually, there'd be 3 drivers between 2 cars). A wrench was thrown into it all due to a family activity locally. I gave my sister control over how that was handled because she had so far to drive already. I didn't think she'd be up for driving from NC, stopping at a science museum, then coming to Memphis for an event. She agreed (without me sharing my opinion). Tonight (Wednesday), she tells me she's not going to meet us in Nashville at the science museum after all. Great. I've rearranged my schedule and plan for the kids based on her desire to go to this museum and now she's backing out AND going to the family event making me look like the selfish one for not working it all out in my schedule. Thanks, Sis. The cherry on top? Cindi backed out too. As of a few days ago even, she was going to meet us at the museum and play. Now, she's only coming if they have a new exhibit she wants to see. I'm all alone. Me and the kids. Me and fibromyalgia. Me and my car that keeps cutting off. Me.

I'm frustrated with my life at large; this is just one more piece interplaying with all of the other bullshit, tiring, frustrating pieces.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

is it me?

Friday, I became quite self-reflective. Maybe it's me. That's something I've been saying for years as I work with people and end up with a result other than what I expected. Usually, observers and people that hear my tale say, "no, it's not you". This week, there were 3 events that again made me ask, "Maybe it's me. Maybe my perspective is warped and I make excuses for my short-comings and more is my fault than I acknowledge."

Event 1- The big boss met with me and told me she's giving the program directors a raise but was thinking of giving me a 90 day trail period before giving me a raise to see if she'll see improvement in 2 areas. Issue 1- my knowledge of the budget. Issue 2- I've told her I need to check with my house manager too many times. Issue 1- I don't think that's my fault, or is it me? My previous boss did not give me access to my budget. I would ask; it was never granted. Both bosses have promised that I will get quarterly reports of what's going on with my budget. They have yet to deliver on that promise in the last 2 years of making it-- but it's my fault that I don't know what's going on with my budget? I request information directly from accounting. I may or may not get it. I have never been trained in regards to the budget despite requesting it in writing on my previous 2 evaluations-- but it's my fault? If Carolyn had decided not to give me a raise on this basis, I would have been hurt and irate and protested. I'm requesting information from everyone relevant and not getting it but I need to be more aggressive in obtaining information regarding my budget? What do you want me to do? Threaten to bomb the administrative building? I've asked in e-mail, I've asked in person, I've e-mailed and called to follow up on requests-- WTF? I think my superiors need to step up and support me in these efforts and I told my big boss that in a nicer way. I ask; what's she going to do to make sure they deliver? How about holding up her part and her word?

Issue 2- I asked for an example but she couldn't give me one. I can't speak to that observation without knowing what's she talking about. Since the House Manager is in charge of the building, I would guess that I've said I would check with her when asked about building repairs. I can stop responding that way. Basically, I'll just be providing less than updated information. I don't have a problem with that if that'll make her think I'm doing a better job of managing my program. I follow up on maintenance issues; I just know that the answer I give her 3 days after I last checked is not the most up to date information. Plus, I view this as me doing my job and letting Sherry do hers. I view myself as an overseer. I check in, I move on. I prefer that people go to Sherry on things in her domain and don't fully understand why that's wrong. To me, it's pretense. Sherry is in charge of the building; ask her, not me. But I will comply. Also, I think this complaint feeds into other people not doing their jobs. There are a number of repairs that I've been trying to get done since April. Some things, we can book. Other things are to booked through the maintenance office. They keep giving me the run away but what are my supervisors doing to help me with that? I've reported to them what's going on. I call maintenance. I e-mail them. I copy the e-mails to my boss. I send additional e-mails to my boss and have verbal conversations with her about what's going on. I've pointed out when they have given me false information. What else am I to do? I don't have administrative support on my issues but I get a bunch of shit about things not going right. Well, yeah... but maybe it's me. Maybe I really am falling short and not doing enough but I need more than "do better" to have that change. I am doing everything that I can see to do to get things done but I don't have the power to move people more powerful than i am.

It's funny how having my old boss recently would have been helpful. As intrusive, overbearing, and short-sighted I sometimes found her, she would have had my back on many of these things and made sure things happened.

Event 2- My car stopped at a busy intersection Friday afternoon. A cop pulled up behind my car shortly after I left to walk to AutoZone to get something that I thought would help my car start. I had this issue 3 weeks before and Lucas fuel injection (or something) + gas got me moving again. I saw the cop and tried to signal to him that I was the one with the broken car and was headed to autozone to address the issue. I couldn't secure eye contact with him in his vehicle and he never got out. I continued with my plan. When I returned from AutoZone, I poured some Lucas in my tank and gave a thank you hand motion to the cop when I returned. I tried to crank my car and true to the AutoZone workers' prediction, it didn't work without the gas. The cop came up to my window to ask what was going on. I explained. He told me I didn't need to get any gas because I had just gotten gas on Wednesday, that I had to call a tow truck or he would. I again explained that this had happened before and Lucas + gas made it work and that the AutoZone worker told me it wouldn't be effective unless I added gas. I pointed to a Circle K and said I just needed to get down there to get some gas and my car should work. He refused to let me get some gas. In the end, we waited about 90 minutes for a tow truck. The tow truck took me to the gas station, I added gas and my car worked fine. As$hole. If he had listened, we wouldn't have had to sit in traffic all that time with my broken car. But was I in the wrong there? The cop assumed that because I saw him, I should have walked over to his car instead of continuing to AutoZone. I saw him and assumed he was there to help, sitting behind me with his lights to better ensure that no one hit me and also making it easier for people to know to go around from afar. We were working under 2 different assumptions. I can acknowledge that and understand the confusion that can cause. Still, I think I could have listened to my explanation of what I thought was going on without writing me off as a disrespectful jerk for not mosing back through traffic to talk to him once I saw that he pulled up. A cop had just driven by me and I wondered if s/he would turn around and help since they saw I was stuck in traffic. I didn't ask Officer Watts if he was that cop but that officer sits at the beginning of my assumption that a police officer was there to help and not to tell me I was inconveniencing traffic by breaking down there. My bad. Let me pick a better place to stop next time. WTF?

Event 3- My mom and I were at the playhouse debating if we wanted to get season tickets that night. She told me she had to make a phone call and walked out. I thought she was coming back. She didn't. I questioned my interpretation of the situation. Talking to her later,she did intend to come back when she left but got caught up in other people leaving and just went on. I don't think my interpretation was off in that because I correctly inputed her intention; she just changed her mind.

So what do you think? Is it me? Do I just make excuses to make myself the innocent in situations or have I repeatedly been handed a bad deal? If my view of the world is this far off from everyone else's, I need to change my viewing lens or else I'll have a tough, confused life.