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Sunday, April 11, 2010

today's actions, today's thoughts

Right now, I'm tired and experiencing a rare moment where I don't feel the urgent need to do anything in particular. I spent three hard working hours uncluttering my apartment with my Aunt Bev. Before, you could see my couch and parts of my dining table and coffee table. Now, you can see my couch AND love seat and have full use of both tables. That was a lot of paper to throw away. We both took 2 arms full of trash to the garbage bin, largely because we unpacked my newest, small appliances and had those boxes to throw out (but it sounds glamorous and productive to say we had 2 arms full of things to throw out). After she left, I took a number of items to my mom's house for semi-permanent storage or for loan. Objectively, my living room and dining room are a lot cleaner now. Surprisingly, they feel about the same to me as they always did. I guess it's because they're still mine. "Hello home." I've dallied here and there to properly put up a few lingering items. Now, I'm officially done with cleaning for the day. I found a bunch of sheets and towels I didn't know I had. They'll get folded tomorrow or Tuesday.

Yesterday, I ate party food and played games with my family and some of their childhood friends. It was mostly enjoyable. There was a spell where I wanted to leave because a couple of people kept cheating, which ruined the game to me instead of being amusing as they probably intended. Thankfully, other ppl were getting annoyed too so the perpetrators finally stopped, given the outcry. We were playing the game where you tape a name on a person's back and they have to figure out who they are by asking yes and no questions about their identity. We decided that I should have my birthday party on July 2 because I'll be out of the town the weekend before my birthday and 2 days before the 4th shouldn't really interfere with ppl's plans of cooking. We hope. Maybe. I'll lose everyone that plans to go out of town for the 4th. My birthday's in a bit of a crappy corner for gatherings.

I've been thinking some about Christianity and homosexuality. It amazes me the degree to which people are not willing to examine and question the possibility that their belief that homosexuality is a sin is wrong. It's like suggesting that God loves gays just as fully as He loves straights threatens the foundation of Christianity and individual beliefs. If God's okay with Mary and Mary, then maybe Jesus didn't die for my sins. Huh? It doesn't work that way and I'm not sure why the idea of misinterpreting those few verses of scripture seem to translate to foundational questions for believers. I have a hard time understanding why people reject the possibility that homosexuality isn't a sin after engaging in a discussion of those "globber verses". I remember feeling the need to check and recheck the context, word translations, and whatever I saw that suggested that my pastor had been wrong and I was incorrectly identifying sin in my brethren. I remember being afraid of being wrong by suggesting it wasn't a sin and living my life in accordance with that new belief. I really, really didn't want to be wrong on that issue and move forward. If you're betting that hell doesn't exist, then you better be right (or somehow that saying goes). In part, I think it was because I was the president of a religious-based program on campus and changing my belief on that issue could reflect back on both the school chapter and national organization that I represented. I had to make sure I was right. And I think I strongly suspected that I was queer by then; I think I was "in love" with that girl, or at least wanted to pursue a relationship with her. For both our sakes, I couldn't be wrong. I was pretty close to the southern baptist church when I embarked on my study of the bible and homosexuality. I attended a Methodist church which I joked was a southern baptist church that said the doxology. I did not live in a world where my new suspicion was okay. I think part of the issue with changing one's belief on this is that you're swimming against the flow in your head. When you speak out or live out that belief, you put a target on your back. Perhaps at some unconscious level, we recognize all of this when someone comes to us and suggests that we reexamine our beliefs of what the Bible says about homosexuality. It's dangerous to be different. Jesus was different and He was killed. Dr. King believed in something different and was very vocal about that; he was killed. Mother Teresa believed differently and acted on those beliefs; she died a saint but lived an excruciatingly difficult life that included doubting in God's goodness and existence. Believing different has definitely taken me there. One of my relatives recently told me they don't want to meet my Christian, lesbian friends because they believe I have been under some wrong teaching and Satan is trying to distract me to prevent God's plan for my life to be fully manifested. Wow. Ouch, but I asked the question. In a way, they're right. People will discount me and judge me in a number of ways for being bisexual. I disagree with her assessment, however, because I think it is people like her that are being misled by Satan, if one wants to use such language. Love liberated Jesus, not judgment.

In this moment, I am okay with who I am and feel loved by my "church" family. I can't ask for much more than that for me. Globally, however, there is much more to be desired. Hatred seems to have existed for all of human kind; maybe I'm ignorant to suggest that we decrease its hold on society now. Perhaps lgbt ppl can only be liberated if another group is spiritually battered and made the outcast. I just don't understand, in this nation that so enthusiastically claims to love God and be His people, how so much injustice abounds. Let me be employed, housed, and love. Let me be; stop holding your breath.

1 comment:

  1. I love you.

    When I first started reading the 2nd paragraph our conversations during freshman year, when I was taking the required rlgn class that was more philosophy than history I remember talking about this issue and you being fairly adamant that my "interpretation" was wrong.

    My point is that you have grown amazingly in the intervening years. Give them a decade or so...see what happens.

    I agree on the christian/hate thing. I often wonder how a country that is so determined to be christian/christ-like is so...hateful, judging and small. I think it boils down to people aren't perfect.

    An interesting sci-fi series that has a "mutant" as a main character who is born in a world where "mutants" are supposed to be killed at birth talks about his journey as the one who is seen so that other "mutants" may follow. In this case mutant means cleft palate, MS, CF, other physical deformities. It is a lovely series, and the author demonstrates an insight into the human psyche, it is fun and a quick lighthearted read. You might enjoy it. Lois McMaster Bujold wrote it. It is the Vorkosigan series. Have fun!