crash

Last night, I sat upright in the floor choking on mucus. I wrapped myself in my heated blanket because it was from her. I sobbed and heard myself crying out things like, "noooo," and "whyyyy". I awoke this morning with swollen eyes and big lips. They say that people that make you cry aren't worth crying over, but Eleanor Roosevelt said no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Doesn't that suggest that perhaps I allowed her to "make" me cry. Isn't it true that no one can make me do much of anything; I had a choice about how I would respond to her dumping me. Did I have a choice about being dumped? She texted, "We are too different for the both of us. I don't understand you and you don't understand me. I'm tired of arguing....We will never understand each other." I have to wonder, at what points could I have done a better job listening? Maybe I should have done reflective listening so she would have known that I listen. At what points could I have put forth more effort not to sound like a N? I spoke as I processed like a N trying to figure it out when she dumped me. If I hadn't tried to understand, maybe she wouldn't have dumped me then. But then there would be other tensions.... At the same time, I feel like if I was worth more to her she would work with me to better understand me and have me better understand her. I got her to take a myers-briggs test because I suspected we were having a sensor-intuitive problem. Since then, I have realized that was the problem in the midst of conversations. I got her to see the very superficial with the test, but she's not interested in reading more in depth material. I don't know what else I could have offered as a tool to help us communicate. She is right. We do speak two different languages, a dialect of the same.

I feel like I have been kicked in the heart with steel-toe boots. I don't know what to do with my relationship with her from here. I said I would not answer if she called or texted today but found myself hoping it was her when the phone rang and noticing how the phone did not ring when she would usually call me on break or on my way to work. When she called, I answered and grieved when she had to hang up. We did not talk about this thing that has happened.

I cannot go back. This is the third time she's dumped me and the umpteenth time we've fought. If we got back together this week or next, it would just be more of the same pain. Pain either way it goes.

hope

Letters like this make me proud to participate in grassroot organizing. Who says it doesn't work?!

Several weeks ago, survivors of "corrective rape" -- a heinous practice in South Africa where lesbians are raped under the guise of "curing" them -- started a petition on Change.org to ask the Minister of Justice to declare corrective rape a hate crime.

It has since become the largest-ever petition on Change.org, and the Chief of Staff at the Ministry of Justice has repeatedly contacted us to complain that they are overwhelmed with the messages coming from every part of South Africa and every corner of the globe. But the minister still refuses to meet with the activists who started the campaign -- Ndumi Funda and the women of the non-profit Lulekisizwe.

Ndumi asked us to pass the note below along to Change.org members. Take a look, then please add your name to their petition to keep up the pressure:

http://www.change.org/petitions/view/south_africa_declare_corrective_rape_a_hate-crime?alert_id=ENBcQmHwGD_lHrfyTEiZA&me=aa

___________

To Change.org members, editors and most of all to all of you who signed our petition,

We are GOBSMACKED at the response that our petition has received. Our fight against corrective-rape has been going on for so long, under the most harrowing of circumstances, with only a few volunteers to help, and it just seemed that nobody was listening, nobody cared, and our sisters were getting raped, beaten up and murdered without anyone doing anything about it.

In absolute frustration, we decided to write a petition. This was a first for us, and never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that we would get this kind of a response. We did jokingly say that we wanted to crash the Ministry of Justice's servers, but we thought that our petition would get a thousand or so signatures if we were lucky. More than 65,000 signatures later, and the senior Ministry officials we targeted are apparently having major difficulty accessing their e-mail because of all the e-mails your signatures are generating! WOOOHOOOO! Well done & thank you!

If you haven't already signed the 'Corrective Rape' petition, please sign and share it with your friends:

http://change.org/petitions/view/south_africa_declare_corrective_rape_a_hate-crime

Unfortunately, despite this becoming the most popular petition of ALL TIME on Change.org, and clearly getting the attention of the minister, Lulekisizwe has still not heard a word from the Justice Department! We need a meeting with the Minister of Justice so we can discuss how 'corrective rape' victims are treated, the lack of police response, how long the court cases take, why so many of the dockets get 'lost' and why the rapists get out on such low bail. Please keep the pressure up!

Thanks to a donation from an ethical cosmetics company in the UK called Lush, we were able to get another, more secure place to stay and use as a safe-house for the victims, but the rapes and assaults are continuing. We are worn out and things are far from easy, especially at this time of the year when stress levels are very high.

The one thing that is giving us hope is all of you showing love and caring by signing and sharing the petition. We are thrilled, excited and very, very humbled by the support that every one of you have shown, and all we can say is thank you and please, please don't stop. Ask your friends to sign our petition:

http://www.change.org/petitions/view/south_africa_declare_corrective_rape_a_hate-crime?alert_id=ENBcQmHwGD_lHrfyTEiZA&me=aa

Bless you all and have a great Festive Season,
Ndumi Funda & the Lulekisizwe team

Okay. I said that but part of the point is the guy is annoyed, but not yet moved. Still, that annoyance has many times pushed people to respond and as long our voices continue to unite, movement will continue to happen.

Namaste.

christmas-ish update, jackson progress

Yesterday was Christmas. My sister & her 5 kids are in town. I slept over my mom's Christmas Eve so I could be part of Christmas morning with them. We woke up at 6am. I paid for it later. I started getting sleep around noon but we were supposed to leave to go to Ne-Ne's at 12:30. At the dinner, I was zonked. I asked my sister to drop me to get my car so I could go home and sleep (5:30). I didn't wake until 8:45pm when my Tam Tam called.

Christmas gifts were awesome. An electric blanket from Tammy, a new camera and VCR/DVD from mom, pajamas from my sister, binoculars from my dad. I'm a happy Christmas girl. I learned that Chris is quite the photographer/film maker. I posted one of his videos to facebook.

Tonight, we're celebrating Allyson's birthday. No time has been set for the party. Popcorn, cupcakes, and movies. I plan to take Tammy so she can meet my babies.

In a few days, I guess I'm going to Nashville. Tammy showed no interest in doing something for New Year's and I'm not keen on being at home doing nothing so I contacted people I know. They don't live in Memphis. At this moment, I don't care much about going. I'm sleepy and a little sad about the idea of not spending New Year's with Tammy. The Nashville plan is nice though. 2-3 parties in one night, a drag show at Play the second night, and watching people swim in the freezing cold in between. It just sounds tiring right now. I don't want to disappoint my crew by not going though. We'll see how it goes.

Monday, I'm planning to go to Jackson to view a few housing options. Shun's going with me. I'm still waiting on VA to officially offer me the job. I don't like how long this is taking. My paperwork is in. Weekend cleaning let me find my online training url. yea! more updates as more updates come.

weekend fun

Sunday, I went on a date with Tammy. It was fun. We hadn't really hung out with each other since Monday and somehow that seemed like a really long time ago. After a lazy morning, we headed to Bellevue Baptist to see the Singing Christmas Tree.




It was sold out. They told us they release some tickets after the show starts so we hung around in hopes of something being freed up for us to buy. Even better, a lady walked up to Tammy and gave her two tickets in the very front of the theater. Our seats were amazing. The costumes were beautiful, special effects were nice, and the whole thing was well done. It wasn't my favorite story line but I'm impressed with what a bunch of amateurs, mostly children, were able to do. I think it can fairly be called professional quality. I didn't previously realize that the church's children choir and orchestra composed the majority of the cast. I was struck by how close in age Mary & Joseph were in this version of the story though.

After The Singing Christmas Tree, we bought Christmas presents for the teenage refugee The Stone has adopted through Catholic Charities' Gifts for God's Children Christmas giving program. We got her a rocking 5x optical zoom camera that I want for myself, a SD card, and a Target gift card. I hope she likes her presents. She opted not to list any ideas on the form Catholic Charities has them feel out. Finally, we ate at Abuelos. Yum, yum. Tammy had her first Mojito there. 5 stars. You ever had that moment when your heart swells for your s.o.? I had that weekend.

Saturday, I started cleaning out my car (in the rain!) so I can have room to haul things to Jackson when the time comes. Mostly, I played games at my cousin's Cheree's that evening. Family Feud, Catch Phrase, Taboo. It was a good night.

Other foci include planning to visit Jackson on Saturday-- where to go while I'm there? I've been doing a lot of Christmas shopping and wrapping-- well, lot as in it was my focus. Mostly, I guess I've been into the same-o, same-o. Things are going well.

Oh. VA is moving slowly. I finally figured out that it took me forever to get my vetpro papers because they failed to put my apartment number on my mail. I was supposed to have 30 days to complete the package but instead I had 11. I didn't use the first 8 and now I'm freaking out because the package is due on Wednesday and I don't even know HOW to answer the things I haven't yet answered. I called the guy in HR today, the same one that screwed up my address, but didn't get an answer. I'll call again in the morning and then try some people in my department if I still don't get him. This job cannot fall through because of this package. I would be crushed.

personality & relationship

interesting article on personality and compatibility http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/do-opposites-attract-compatibility-and-your-myers-briggs-personality-type-263482.html

this week in review

I did art show #2 last week. Art for Hope is an annual fundraiser hosted by Hope House, a nonprofit that works with children with HIV/AIDS. The sells were slower than I anticipated, but that was true for everyone, so I'm pleased with my overall sells. I sold about 4 5x7s (turtles, dog, an uncle), 3 blank note cards (photo on cover), & 1 wallet (turtles). Cindi came to town to help me with this ordeal. Thank God for Cindi. She came down on Wednesday and we stayed up to 2am cutting pictures, signing pictures, etc. Here's a shot of me at the show:


Tammy dumped me again. Then we made up. Now we're exploring the Myers-Briggs together. I'm an INTJ; she's an ISFJ. I'm not sure what's gonna happen when I move to Jackson in January. I think she's considering a long-distance relationship but I can't say we're committed to it. At first, we said it wouldn't work because of her T-Sat work schedule vs my Mon-Fri schedule. Other people have helped me realize that it can.

Jackson-- did you notice that I said Jackson? VA Hospital is offering me a job in Jackson, TN as the HUD VASH Social Worker in that area. Yea for opportunities?

Saturday, I had a movie night at my place courtesy of James. It was fun. We watched Godfather, which isn't great imo, but I enjoyed having people over. It was only him, Tammy, & Cindi but it was me with a group of friends. yea! I don't look forward to loneliness in Jackson where I know no one :/.

enough for now. ciao!

joys and concerns

I am really angry this morning. I am here and listening to Christian worship music trying to shrug it off. I have been trying to work the anti-inflammatory diet for about 6 weeks now but have not received the relief I crave. I have not been great about working the plan. In the beginning, I'd give myself a B- on success. Lately, I've been better but I still haven't overcame the damage I did to my body during the east coast trip. It physically hurts me to walk from my apartment to the dumpster now. Every day, I wake up stiff and achy. I'm bent over from it all but straighten up as I walk. To top off the fibromyalgia, I'm having issues with my wrists and shoulders that my doctor thinks is due to carpel tunnel syndrome. Thank God I get to have a nerve conduction study done Monday to test that theory and move forward with the treatment piece. Since my work trip/vacation, Tammy has been complaining that I moan in my sleep throughout the night. Pain? I effin hurt and I'm tired of it. I'm not gonna lie and say I've been living with a level 8 pain these past 6 weeks but fucking with my ability to live my life (e.g., go to the dumpster) is what pisses me off the most about pain. My pelvis hurts. My legs just scream of pain from time to time, like when I lay in bed to go to sleep. Fuck you fibromyalgia. Fuck you capel tunnel syndrome. Fuck you body for working counter to science and not really caring about my changed diet or resumed slow and easy exercising, trying to build you back up. Oh how I want ability back..........

blah. I put it out there but don't feel much better for it. I took trammadol at 6:30am hoping to feel better when I really got up (9:30am)-- didn't work. Hold on-- going to add Tylenol to that formula.

A former roommate taught me how to know which oils are good for me and my issues according to someone she knows. Close your eyes and hold the bottle. If you sway forward, it's for you. If you fall backwards, it's not. Cool, huh? Well, I bought eucalyptus oil based on that premise and she won't mail it to me. That urks me too. Yes I left it but I offered to pay for her to send it to me; what else can I do? It's approaching 2 months of my gluten free cooking magazine (which would be quite helpful), my oil that I hope will relief some pain and is also said to help with sinus issues, my incense that I think smells divine, relaxing, Trammadol which is/was quite important to me, and clothing somehow missed have been trapped at her house. I know she's sick too but it's been long enough that I think it's etching past the patience thing. Plus, she ignored my first voicemail, e-mail, and text inquiring about the status of my things being mailed to me. urg. I was hopeful for them when I purchased those things. Now they are becoming a distant memory, something I won't have to help me in my journey. I do know of an overpriced coffee house that sells the incense and can probably get the oil at Whole Foods. I guess I can rebuild those hopes. * sigh * And yes, I know it's my fault for leaving them and yes, I'm grateful that she contacted me to let me know they were there as I had been searching my place for them.

The good in life? I interviewed for 2 different positions at VA hospital this past week and a half. I especially think the first one went well. My answers were strong at the second one but I wrote down the wrong interview time on my calendar and arrived 15 minutes later than really scheduled (15 min. earlier than what I thought). By this time next month I'm hoping to know whether or not I'm finally in. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. The committe for the home-based care was really warm; they seem like a good team to work with. I'm not as sure about the HUD VASH Social Workers. I like them; I'm just getting nervous. When I thought about accepting the home care position if offered both, my spirit told me that's not my passion. Yes, I can do it but it's not my passion. The HUD position will challenge me as my load will be people that are chronically homeless. That's a special load there, especially since they're looking at those that have been continuously homeless for 1 year or more. The other definition of chronically homeless is 5 or more episodes in 3 years. Okay. That's jacked up but they're showing some resilicency by being housed sometimes. lol. They're gonna set me up with addicts and unmedicated mentally ill people. I really don't know how I'll fare there. But I don't think I can back down. I entered my field dedicted to working with people that are homeless. I started with homeless singles, non-addicted, moved to homeless families, am working with homeless addicts; VASH will just take me up one notch. I have long said I need experience working with the various sub-populations within homelessness. Well here I go. In their homes once they get them. It'll be a cool position. I'll get to give Section 8 (HUD VASH) vouchers to veterans, help them get moved in, and follow them for case management. I'll be working in permanent housing, ya'll. Yea! We'll see.

Pictures from my work trip/vacation:

I got to be in the store for about 2 minutes but it was quite exciting. I bought a window cling. My co-workers waited outside.




Patti Labelle concert the last night of the Catholic Charities conference. Awesome. Wished she was on stage longer but she was great.

Yea for seeing Ingrid, a LaGrange College friend.

And yea for meeting newer family members. This is my cousin Rodesha's daughter. She's one awesome chick.

We fight every week. I've never fought this much with anyone I love. I don't have anyone to call for perspective or release. My best friend wants to hear the details of our relationship about as much as she wants to hear me talk about my best friend. I've had happier moments than this one.

viva la vida loca

Friday, I Went to DC On a business trip. Wed, i hopped on a bus to NY That I Booked Tue. In NY, I ASKED strangers for help in getting to where Tue'S BOOKED tour bus would pick me up. EXHAUSTED from carrying luggage, i got on the bus. That night, ingy from college picked me up and let me hang with her peeps for a min before crashing on her couch. Today, she is going to take me to greyhound where i will buy a ticket to maryland. i just confirmed a pick up from that bus station. Still to come, i need to get from MD to DC for my morning flight home. I've been living a day at a time, trying to stay 1 step ahead of my needs. I don't know about this new style of living where i just pick up my things and go.

NY planning

Dag blasted! I'm supposed to go to New York on Wednesday and ya know what I was planning to do? Go to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Guess what?! F_cking fibromyalgia! I can't. I'd have to walk up 354 steps. Even if I could physically do that over say, 5 hours, I don't have the humility and patience to see what the experience of taking hours to get somewhere would be like. Plus, I'd be in gops of pain the next day. fuck you fibromyalgia! This is one big F you to U. Grrr!

staff night out

About 3 weeks ago, I posted a flyer listing tonight as "Staff Night Out" at Chili's. I promised to pay $10 towards everyone's bill. I also announced this information, sans a date, at our staff meeting in August. How did this attempt at appreciation go? poor, por, PoOrLy! Why do you think people didn't show?

2 out of 3 members of my day staff came. That's a plus. Even if the idea is fundamentally flawed, the people I work with the most showed up. The missing person RSVPed but canceled today through someone else. She's on vacation (in town); I'm not that surprised. Two people are at work. Perhaps I should have made a special attempt to invite them and promise PRN coverage while they were away? That's what we did in the past. I shouldn't have assumed they knew we'd do it again. One person told me it's been busy for him, another had some family things to deal with on tonight. One person from my weekend shift came and someone that works with our clients w/o actually being my staff came. More than anything, I did this for my evening, overnight, and weekend workers. I see them the least and have the opportunity to do things for my day staff most anytime. Only one person from my targeted group came. Should I have recruited for this like a charitable event? Should I have begged to give away my money? Was it personal; do they dislike me? Was it because the event was half-ass as I only offered to pay about 50-75% of their bill, depending on what they ordered? Was it because it's not pay week and they are broke? Pay week is often considered in the planning but tonight was the only Friday I'm available this month. * sigh *

The five people that did come were very nice. They repeatedly thanked me and said things like "this was nice" and "great idea". They said they had fun. Maybe. Whatever. It was a token, right? I tried to offer a token of appreciation and I suppose it was seen even though few people took it. The perk for those that attended is that I bought shared appetizers for all since I didn't have to pay as much as anticipated based on the idea. Truthfully, I could have covered the whole table because less than half my staff showed.

Mood: Like a failure

What's next: More wine, facebook, and electronic gaming

Good Night, World.

road trip

Wednesday, September 8th I left town heading to Nashville so I wouldn't have to wake up super early the next day for a day long conference I was to attend in Brentwood, TN. As usual for such events, I stayed at Cindi's. It was a nice visit because I was scheduled to be there until Friday afternoon so we got to hang out for a bit.

I was a horrible house guest. First, I broke her shower rod and left it and the shower curtain in the floor after trying to wash out her forever backed up tub. That next day, I took my beloved Rooney to Red Box with me to return a video. It was one way of helping him achieve his previous goal of getting out of the house and also a way to overcome the fear that I induced by constantly trying to let him out. I lost Rooney. He meowed a bit as we went to Red Box but calmed down as we continued our trip. He sat on the dashboard and looked around some. I thought he was fascinated and enjoyed our trip. The issue, in my opinion, came upon our return. I drug Rooney out the car and put him down while trying to close my door without catching his tail. Apparently, he saw this as an appropriate signal to crawl into the woods. In retrospect, I responded slowly and stupidly. When he went for the woods, I called him thinking he'd not go in the woods. He went in more. I started moving, too slowly. I should have jumped on him like a baseball player sliding to base. Then I would have had to pay the vet's bill because I crushed his kitty bones. The bright side? Eliott got to eat some tuna as Cindi and I put some in a cat trap we're renting from the Humane Society as our latest ploy to catch Rooney. The other bonus? Eliott can't stand Rooney and is SO happy that he's gone. It's like an at home vacation for him.


Playing with Rooney, losing Rooney, hanging flyers asking other people to help Cindi find Rooney, and setting a trap for Rooney actually framed my entire road trip. I lost him on a Thursday and set the trap on Tuesday.

Thursday, I went to a state-wide alcohol and drug conference. It largely focused on prevention, though it tried to bring a wealth of information on prevention, treatment, and recovery support. It helped me realize the ways prevention influence what we do at the treatment center where I work. What I'm most excited about from the conference was the creation of a new group focused on improving the continuum of care in a&d in West TN. We set a meeting date for our new group. It was born out of the last session of the day where we met specifically with people from our region.

Friday, I drove to Decatur, GA to begin my reunion with my suite mates from college. That night, we talked.

Saturday, we drove to LaGrange to see our old college. They have 2 major expansions: a new library and a new bridge.



The library now has 3 floors; I think there were 2 when I was there. It has more open space and is generally more inviting for people to just hang out there as compared to the previous library.

The bridge, I think, was created after someone got hit trying to cross the street near the college.



Both additions are beautiful. The college was beautiful when I left in 2004; it's gorgeous now.

Sunday was a leisurely at home day. We started a strawberry jam making process. Apparently, it takes like 48 hours to make traditional jam. Damn! That morning, we cut strawberries and soaked them (for 8 hours) in sugar. The rest of the day was for play. One of us wanted tarot cards. New cards were welcomed into our circle. We played board and card games and generally enjoyed the last few hours we had together.



Monday, we continued to make jam. Sadly, it didn't turn out as hoped. I think that perhaps (1) we should have added more pectin and (2) the mixture wasn't boiling strongly enough when we began the 10 minute count down.


Oh well. It's not a science. We tried to do the straight method but ran out of time so we tried to cut corners. Hence, strawberry sauce instead of jam. But, there are ways to fix that and Mandy and I are both working on finding a method that will work.

Monday, I also got to meet new cousins. Sadly, I didn't get to see their dad who I haven't seen in at least a decade. But, his wife and kids were delightful. Below, my cousin and his grandkids.

After playing with kids and dining with my cousin, Larry, I got back on the road. I was going to stay with him except he was going bowling so I would have really just been at staying at his place. I think Nashville is 4 hours from ATL and Memphis 7 so I decided to get half-way home that night so I could be home before Tammy got off on Tuesday. Didn't work. Thank God, I made it safely to Nashville after a dark, traffic and construction heavy 5 hour drive but Cindi made Tuesday adventures that kept me in Nashville until 3:45pm. Finally, I went home to Tammy. Well, to my house where she met me. She's great.

Today is my last day of vacation. It was my day to regroup and do some laundry. I'm 2 loads down with no pictures remaining for upload. The best part, September 15, 2011 will be the one year anniversary for me and Tammy.

Good Night.

UPDATE: Tammy informed me that we are going to observe August 3 as our anniversary because that's when we first talked on the phone. awww.

where I've been lately

with her




still single, no worries (as if you were)

art/work

Here's a post that got stuck in draft. It's a little dated but true.

The MGLCC art show has given me a jump start into selling my photographs, my art. I'm still trying to work on thinking of myself as an "artist" and photographer. Artist comes easier of those two. Here's a picture of me at the show:




My next art project, I think, is Art for Hope, an event to benefit Hope House, a local nonprofit that works with kids infected with HIV or AIDS. My issue with that is it requires me to give them 40% of what I bring in. 40 percent! I signed up because what other experience do I have? It'll allow me to create a listing of people that want to be notified of my shows. Goal 1: 7 e-mail addresses. We'll see. Plus, I don't have to pay a register fee, booth fee, etc. Many festivals require that and I'm really not ready for that. I might be able to bring in more cash from that event that originally anticipated because Wal-mart offers some awesome photo packages that makes it cheap to print pictures. This won't work on the Untitled shot of my dad, my most popular shot thus far, because the machine associated with the deal alters the colors (automatically) when it prints. The concern outside of profit margin is the amount of money I'm going to have to put into this show in order to have things to sell while I'm there. I don't want to be negative $200 at the end of the day, ya know. I have about 2 months to prepare for this event, I think. They didn't confirm that I'm being accepted into the show, only that they have my application. There's no mentioning of it being a judged event but I'm not sure that it's first come, first serve either. I'll follow up next month to see how things are looking. Until that mid-Nov date, my art goals are:
1. Add 4 shots per month to my facebook album. That means I should have 25 photos posted by the end of November.
2. Print 100 pictures to sell, at least 15 different shots. This gives me a starting place, though I know that more diversity will be better for selling. I have to start somewhere. And, realistically, I'll probably print at least 2 of everything in the facebook album.
3. Include a variety of print sizes to sale: 11 x 14, 8 x 10, 5.5 x 7, framed 4 1/2 x 7 (I just bought 40 black or white frames from Target)

Last art update: My sold count is up to 4 prints, same person as before. My dad took 2 or 3 when I showed him what I prints while giving him the one he originally requested. My Valerie shot is the 2nd most popular; he got one of those.

Current Project: Get on with VA Memphis! I'm working on a job application as I type. I'm applying for 4 Social Work positions right now, including the one I really want with HUD VASH. It'll allow me to screen applicants for section 8 vouchers (vets only) My mom does that now which might be my biggest hindrance to getting the job. An opening in Jackson has formed as well as Memphis so I'm letting them I'm willing to move if need be. Apparently, I only have to sign a lease once every three years. Okay. Convenient for my job search, I tell ya. Maybe I'll put more effort into leaving Memphis early 2011, if not sooner, now that I know that.

artist!

I just sold $45 worth of photographs. Wow! This moment is now on my lists of best moments ever. Me? Little ol' me and my lazy work? My smile is humongous. And, I get to donate 15% of that to charity as part of the deal. Beautiful. My first sales:

I also got an order from my dad for a 8 x 10 of him. He's the only one from my family that came to my art opening. It was SO good to have him there. I was hoping that he'd take his inclusion as love. Maybe he did? Whatever the exact response, he's impressed. He liked his photograph and didn't look at it and instantly know that it was him. He wants a large copy of it so he can post it at home and people will come over without even knowing it's him. He plans to have a frame built for it.

We still didn't discuss the gay thing. He came.

And my friends are the best. Six of them came to support me. I feel loved.

Last night, it was great hearing how people discussed my pictures, the details they saw, the adjectives they used! It's amazing to see your work through someone else's eyes. I don't know that I've ever done that before. I usually get, "How'd you do that?" (stop motion), "Amy takes really great photos," "That's not a good picture of me," "That's a really good picture of him" et cetera. Last night was different. People talked about color, background details, light.... It was fantastic. Fantastic. Marvelous.

I wonder what my first arts & craft fair will be like :D.

Last night, I thanked Cindi on facebook for getting me here. I think she got me. Thanks again, (non-reading) C. And thank you Julia for putting this whole thing together and letting me participate. And thanks Will for your dedication to the Community Center and supporting such diverse programming. And thanks wonderful Audrey for having the book club and giving me a reason to regularly go to the Center and feel connected. Thank you reader for your photo vote. Untitled was the shot of choice at the art show as well.

Ah. This is becoming a long post. I'll stop now but do know that I would have thanked you too if I only I kept talking. Blessed Be.

vicarious living

My sister jogged 2 miles today!

 

asked her how. She does not know. But she did it. She kept going. Some walkers passed her, but she persevered. Yea for my sister's accomplishment!

I walked for 30 minutes on Tuesday and 15 minutes today. It was a much needed return to the treadmill after something like a 3 month hiatus. It was good for me. I felt it in my legs. My legs haven't been right since I couldn't walk 1.5 weeks ago so I'm hoping this return to the treadmill helps. Maybe I'll eventually jog 2 miles... except I was reflecting earlier on how I can't even jog around the block. * sigh *

It's 10:45pm and I am wide awake. This is abnormal for me. This is day 3 in the control stage for me. Is their a link so close to the start of this thing? I first felt the energy surge yesterday. I had one of those my mouth is moving much faster than anyone else is listening moments shortly after lunch. I had a healthy lunch: brown rice, tofu, and vegetables (Pei Wei). Energy comes and goes. I was ready to go to sleep during the first 2/3 of work today. haha. But, I do feel better. I might be able to deal with my diet of popcorn, soy cream, corn chips, and fruit if I can keep this energy level up. Now pain is a different story.... :(

Good night, ya'll!

glorious influence

I spoke to my sister today. She told me her youngest son, my fabulous Chris, has talked incessantly about being a nude model when he grows up since returning home after his TN trip.



She doesn't like the idea. I said at least he has goals. True to my reasoning, I suppose, I said it'd be a nice side income while he's college. THAT'S WHAT HE SAID! But he's never wanted to go to college when they talked about it in the past. I then said at least he's comfortable with his body now and will hopefully continue to be as he grows up. She thinks he's focused on getting to see other people naked. I think he has ambition.

It amuses me what my sweethearts will share with their mom :D.

I had a surge of energy this afternoon. I don't know what prompted it. I had brown rice, tofu, and veggies for dinner. Not a lunch to increase the sleepies, I suppose. Since then, energy comes and goes. "I am determined to get better." I'm on day 2 of the control phase of the diet.

Right now, I'm supposed to be giggling with old roommates in GA



but I'm not because there's too much going on at work. Given that shift in details, I should be in bed




but I'm not because I stayed at work until 11pm to create an organized binder with the things needed for Monday's audit.




I feel like I had an opportunity to show a more efficient me with this binder situation but I didn't. Instead, working on it has resulted in long days and a desk that looks like it's been hit with a hurricane and has easily a dozen items on it that I can't find right now, like certain books. Yes, entire books. Paperback.

Part of why I stayed so late today is because I wasted a bunch of time gathering documents that my boss told me I need but I don't really need. I found that out today after I had gathered all of those documents. I could have left at 11pm but been done, at least, if I had known that (haHa!). She told me to include a copy of our quarterly report. What she meant was, include the first 3 pages but don't worry about the subsequent 75 pages. Oh for that detail! But it's done now. Some things.

Today, I also found out that I have something like $3700 unspent last year.




I'm not even gonna go there.


Art show preparation is moving slowly but not at a stand still. I'm really looking forward to getting it all together next week after the audit is done.

I hope that goes well.

Today, I pulled something off the printer and thought it said, "god hates you". Do you think it means he hates me? Before, I saw "what are you waiting for" in something that didn't say that and thought perhaps it was God talking to me about coming out. Same communication principle, different things communicated-- maybe. Maybe it's just a sign of my spiritual insanity.

ah, well, i'll stop the rambling now and actually go to bed.

moving on

Today,I mailed in my application to work at VA Hospital somewhere in middle TN. I didn't see KSOs (essay questions) with this application so I e-mailed then called the HR person for the positions for direction. She never replied. I'm sending positive energy that way.

a positive

Thinking about the art show makes me feel better. Yea for little things.

Today, I uploaded some more shots to print. Hopefully, I'll get by Wolf Camera tomorrow to pick them up. I forgot I had 4 options for people/shots. I'll see what looks best in person.

Namaste.

thoughts between consciousness and sleep

I feel like I'm dying. I ache all over; it's bad enough that it wakes me up while I'm asleep. Until it's time to wake up. It took me 90 minutes to get up this morning (i.e., 90 minutes after my alarm first went off. I don't even remember those first 10 beeps or whatever). During the day, I mostly want to sleep. During that time just before waking when I have "deep" thoughts, it's occurred to me that I'd quit my job if I could afford to because I feel like shyt. More realistic, I'd take a week off if I wasn't supposed to go to GA this week. It'd look bad for me to take today and tomorrow off because I'm sick, then go to GA for 3 days. I'm thinking of asking my doctor to put me on short term medical leave if I don't feel better soon but there are several important things going on at work that I can't walk away from. This is one reason I want a simpler job. I'm treating myself like crap to get the work done but in the end, there's only me. This is the kind of shyt that got me sick in the first place. I wish I could do it all over. I wish I could have this job but not put it first so maybe then I wouldn't be so sick.

off to get dressed now....

Look at my basil.



I had basically given up on my garden. Nothing was growing, though nothing was dying. Today, I went out and a leaf on the cucumber plant had totally withered up, like overnight. wtf? And, it rained yesterday morning. I'm not a good gardner. It could be because my soil says not for container gardens but I didn't see that until long after my garden was underway. I went with what the professional gardner I was with thought was important; I didn't read the back of the bag while I was with her. * sigh * There could be so many causes as to why I do not have food, only seasonings that came to me ready to eat. But alas! There is new life on this one new basil plant. I didn't know basil grew flowers.

Item 2- I bought a frame to display "Memphis Music" in the art show. Below are some bad photos of it.





Namaste.

whining

Why are the fibro monsters attacking me? I don't understand. I was being good and following the anti-pain webmd diet when suddenly, my calf muscle went mad during my morning stretch and I spent the next 4 hours unable to stand on my right leg. For weeks now, I've been sleeping like 15 hours at a time 'cause my body thinks it's about time for it to pass out. Surely I am doing too much now but I have so many things to do; what else am I to do? SO MUCH to do at work, things piling up and adding themselves to my to do list including the pending audit. A leisurely 7 hour drive to GA on Wednesday to see my old college mates. Getting things together for next month's art show, applying for the same job at 3 different locations, and why not add being social to the top of this mountain? My fingers, wrists, thighs, back, feet, elbows, and calf muscles hurt and I'm SLEEPY. I'm not used to being here anymore. I don't have time for this ish. I feel close to incompetent and like the mean mama to myself. Let this all pass soon.I hate fibro most for the things it takes from me. You evil bitch, fibromyalgia.

fibro monster

I feel a little guilty. I didn't go to work this morning. My muscle did something wicked during my morning stretch today, causing one of those blinding pains where I literally don't know what to do because it hurts so bad. From there, I couldn't walk. Not much of an issue initially. I hopped from my bed to my computer chair, somehow took a muscle relaxer, and sat with my heating pad for a hour. It didn't solve the issue. I called in and did about 2 hours of work by phone. Then I preceded to sleep the day away.

I just don't know how it sounds when I call in for fibro stuff. I don't think it makes sense to people. My boss strongly encouraged me to go the doctor if it hurt so bad I couldn't walk. My sentiment is why; doctors can't do much for fibromyalgia patients anyway. I just need to wait it out. Do my fibro sisters feel the same way-- why bother going to the doctor when they don't really know how to make you better?

I'm better now though not great. I'm sensitive all over. I soaked in epson salt but wasn't sure I would be able to deal with the sensations the water caused. I did. I'm not sure it helped. I had pain all over when I got out but took Trammadol and a muscle relaxer to make me feel better. It worked. I'm sleepy again. I plan to go in tomorrow limping or not, assuming I can stand. I can currently stand but feel increased pain within 5 minutes of standing so prefer to stay off of my legs as much as possible. The worse thing about today is I missed a really important meeting. If I hadn't slept though my lunch time alarm, I could have gotten ready in time to be at that 30 minute meeting. I guess I just worry about my image at work in general. I think my House Manager might understand a little more because her son has sickle cell but still fibromyalgia makes sense to so few.

Good night.

more options

One of my ideas for the art show is to display 3 pictures of local musicians and call it memphis music. A variation of that same idea is just to frame a photo or 3 of sj tucker and let her represent my performance work. Below are potential shots of valerie june that I can use:


valerie june 1



valerie june 2


memphis music, valerie june option 3

olga 1



olga 2


olga 3



here's one of my beloved SJ Tucker. It's the only one I can find electronically and I actually swiped this one from facebook.




below is one I took many years ago that was well-liked at that time. I honestly don't know that it'd be the best choice for a lgbt & ally art show though.



uncle

uh, since i don't know how to fix this crazy alignment whatnot, here's my uncle and sj tucker again:






and last, my scream, my handsome chris



I'm gonna post a poll so you can tell me which 3 YOU think I should for the show. Thanks in advance. And still feel free to leave comments elaborating on your thoughts or whatnot.

I'm an artist now!

Holy shit! Look at the e-mail I just got!

Great news - we will have room in the art show! I'm pleased that we will be able to show your work. If you could send me the dimensions and pictures of 2 - 3 pieces (depending on the size) that you would like to show that would be great. Try to get back to me by the end of the week as I hope to have all artists finalized by then and send out more info regarding the opening.


Ummm, some more options to show:





above: option 5. title undecided.

perspective

option 6 (above)- blurred vision




option 7 (above)- stairs I

Location: An overgrown baseball field in Nashville