today's experiencing of living with fibromyalgia

Today, I realized that I hate when people ask me something like, "what's wrong?" as in I know you are in pain but I don't understand why you feel so bad. Earlier today, the question I thought was, "How do you answer when someone asks you what's wrong" when what is wrong is a result of your fibromyalgia? I've tried, "well, you know, I have fibromyalgia" and the one word reply "pain," but those answers don't seem to be what they seek. Later, I realized that I don't too much care to come up with a satisfactory answer because they know I have fibromyalgia and they know I'm in pain when they ask. What do you want me to say? Is the question really just an acknowledgement that you know I'm having a bad day? Probably not for those that keep their eyes on me waiting for an understandable answer. Oh. It just occurred to me that maybe I should name everything that hurts when they ask; will that deter future occurrences of that conversation? This morning, it could have gone:
Staff: Look, there's that Amy coming in to work over 1 hour late and look! She's using a cane. Does she really need that cane?
Me: Good Morning. Click, step, step. Click, step, step. Click-- darn, it's hard to open doors when using a cane.
Staff: I hear you don't feel good. What's wrong?
Me: Snarling- My thighs, calves, back, and biceps hurt. I'm a level 10 on a scale of 1-10 but only because 10 is where the scale ends. It's really much worse. How are you?

That mock answer doesn't even seem to begin to express what today was like for me. And did you notice that I had my cane? It was its first public appearance. It was more embarrassing that humbling; I'll still have to work on "humility". I noticed that I looked down a lot as I walked and suspect that was because of embarrassment and not wanting to see others looking at me or wondering why, not because looking down when walking makes the process easier. Although I love when cars stop so I can cross under normal circumstances, I don't like it with the cane. I move much slower and feel the need to rush. Imagine crazy (young) granny flying across the street, stick in hand. But, those people were kind. I fully acknowledge that. I'd prefer to be invisible and left alone when having a day such as today. Except Susan can see me. She's angel-like. She doesn't give me those looks; she knows.

I went to work because one of my 3 people that have to move in 30 days or less, against their will, had an appointment with Town and Country property management this morning. My plan was to transport him, be back in my office by noon, then go to the doctor. Damn, people always catch me. So, I left for Physcian Quality Care at 1:45 pm and ended up missing my 4pm dental appointment (rescheduled for tomorrow). My hope was PQC 1-3:30, dentist at 4. PQC rocked! They offer you beverages, laptops, movies, and cable TV in the exam rooms. But, it took me over 2 hours to check in and be seen. But then the doc gave me muscle relaxers (thank God! It's been a tough few weeks) and loratab. My pain went from more than a 10 to a 9 today so the level of pain did diminish significantly. But who wants to spend a day at a 9?

I'm satisfied with my actions today. I pushed, pushed, pushed to get in the office for someone else because I told him I'd be there. I sought medical care because it was time. I'm headed to bed because rest is what I've really wanted most of the day. I realize that being out of it today jeopardizes so much of my plans for the rest of the week. I must remember that when things go undone, it is because of good reason. Ciao.

P.S.- I tried that thing where I breath in the pain and suffering of others and breathed out something good. I suck at that.

today's pain

Today is not a day that I am proud of. An ever-present challenge/goal of mine is to not allow fibromyalgia interfere with my commitments to my clients. Well, that's a hard thing to keep when one can't walk. I hate when this happens! I feel so cripple and limited. I was supposed to take someone to the Dollar General at 9:30am. I promise I got up to honor that commitment but I can't get there. If it doesn't happen today, we can't do it next week because of his schedule. I don't know how to accelerate my healing. I did an epson salt and baking soda soak last night. Tramaddol really does nothing for me. I can add tylenol, muscle relaxers, trauma oil or bengay but the risk of being too sleepy or drugged to drive comes into play the more of that stuff I take.

Last night, I cried in bed because of the pain. One lady in my Mphs chronic support pain group used music to soothe her when things were especially bad. I tried to groove to Goddess and She but that did nothing for the pain. Eventually, I focused on my belly and gratitude for it not hurting. I expressed gratitude for fat as every muscle some joints from ankle to shoulder seemed to be in pain. And I had already taken trammadol before bed. I consented to taking tylenol because I knew the pain wasn't going anywhere with the way it was. Then I woke up every 2 hours throughout the night.

This morning, I questioned if I would be able to walk for the 3rd time in a week due to the pain I felt when I first got out of bed. This time, unlike the others, I couldn't walk to the living room to get to the trammadol. It took me 45-60 to get from my bedroom to my living room, with a detour to the kitchen for water and food. It hurts to stand but I can do it. Walking elevates the pain and I can't take it. Does that make me a punk? I feel like such a quitter when I have to throw in the towel and admit defeat. I'll probably spend much of the day in bed or on the coach doing things I can do from one location but the _UCKING PAIN. I can't get rid of it and it keeps bringing me to tears. When I called in to work (3 ppl), everyone thought I sounded sick. That's the effing pain, maine. i'm not coughing. My nose has been bleeding for 2 weeks but I don't have the sick leave to see a doctor. blah. I tried going to the Little Clinic (Kroger) in Mphs but they wouldn't see me bc of my symptoms. darn. There's an after hours clinic here too. I need to get info on how to be seen there. Today's illness symptoms is cutting into the vacation time I'm trying to save for CA. If I only had a wheelchair....

I'm so sleepy.........................



EDIT I regained the ability to walk short distances around 4 o'clock. Now the disordered day is being topped with a migraine. Again, computer light is especially troubling. My screen is dimmed as low as it can go. However, the nausea is increasing again so goodbye.