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Monday, January 31, 2011

accepting the new in life

Feb. 18- my last day in my current position :).

Feb 28th- my first day with VA.

Jan 31st- day 1 of packing, the day pictures were taken of my apartment.

I turned in my resignation today. Now, I should probably be packing instead of blogging, but here I am. Let's see how long it takes for my apartment to actually look like I'm planning to move.

They rented the house I love, love in Jackson so I'm going to skip out on Believe out Loud to go back to Jackson to view new houses. My mom is coming with. I need to call the property company to reserve a time.

Health: Ouch! But I've been quite productive this weekend despite the pain. I woke up every 2-3 hours as I slept Friday night so I got up around 7 or 8 on Saturday. I washed 4 loads, spent 2.5 hours cleaning, folded all of my waiting laundry, and ate breakfast by noon. Swoosh! I'm preparing myself to get back into yoga. I can tell several differences now that I'm "off", i.e., taken a multi-month break. (1) My breathing is more shallow and my doctor fuses at me when I go to see him due to inadequate breathing. (2) It takes more effort and concentration to breath deeply, do equal breathing, and also unequal breathing. Those exercises are no longer natural. (3) My mind won't shut up. Lately, it thinks too much about a certain someone which makes it even more difficult for me to get good rest. Before, I may have slept poorly but it wasn't because I couldn't get someone or even something off of my mind. Plus, I don't even know WHY those thoughts are there. With the yoga, my goal is to do 3 at home sessions, 30 minutes each, before I go back to class. I've done it twice for 30 minutes and lasted 20 today. I think someone going by my apartment would have thought I was receiving undesired anal sex. ouch! I don't know why it hurt so bad but eventually I gave up. In yoga, you stick your toe in the pool of pain; you don't jump in. I thought that maybe I pulled something.... In terms of my 2011 health goals, I'm doing a horrible job of working towards accomplishing them. My intention is to count my carbs and gradually drop them to a level appropriate for a diabetic. My reality is that I eat lots of high carbs food and generally forget to keep count.

I was lonely quite a bit last week. That sadness will probably come back but at this moment, I'm good. I have a new friend. We've been talking for a while on okcupid. I asked her what kind of success she's had on the site. She said she's made one friend and stupid me didn't realize she was talking about me! I followed up by asking questions about this friend. lol. Her message was a real pick me up. I'm tentatively scheduled to meet someone from there on Wednesday. I'm iffy on if I'm going to go. I think he's more about a relationship and/or sex than I am. My page clearly says I'm only recently single and don't want to get into anything now. (2) I'm leaving town in 6 weeks. What's the point? On the flip side, there's the curiosity. Cindi thinks he'll be hot because he's a body builder. I think he's a little skinny and young (25).

I've been going to church a bit this year. It feels good. Saturday, I went to Jacob's Well. It was nice. I respect what the minister is trying to do there. A few weeks before, I went to my cousin's church. Wow. Power. Also, I've been reading from a guidepost devotional several times each week. It's been a good start to the year.

Enough for now. I'm sure you're ready to stop reading if you didn't stop 100s of words ago.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I feel alone and like I used to have something to say but forgot after I didn't get around to blogging.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

the break up ends

We're not friends anymore. She hurt me as my girlfriend; she hurt me as my friend. There was too much anger and aggression. There were probably too many emotions. It was too soon for us, or perhaps it can never be. Maybe I can say hello in 6 months and everything will be okay; perhaps we'll see. What I know is that as I was crying out loud at 3am because of a conversation with a friend, knowing that I had to get up in a few hours for work, I realized she isn't worth all of this. I realized that I am worth more than repeatedly being there. I texted, "let's not be friends. We do that about as well as being gfriends." So here I am sad at 8:30am, eyes swollen, getting ready for work. I sometimes take shyt I shouldn't, but my hope is that I'm growing stronger, smarter, and more loving of self through these experiences. Cutting off someone that I love so deeply is me demonstrating that strength, sense, and love. Blessed be.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Sunday, January 9, 2011

speech & debate

Today, mom and I went to see Speech & Debate. It was totally not what I thought it'd be. The description for the play reads:

An aspiring teen journalist, an awkward wannabe popstar, and the openly gay new kid in town all have secrets. But when their squeaky clean small-town high school refuses to acknowledge the messy parts of being a teenager, this ragtag bunch of misfits starts an after school Speech and Debate team to expose a possible scandal – and sparks more debate than their high school ever bargained for. “Bristling with vitality, wicked humor, terrific dialogue, and a direct pipeline into the zeitgeist of contemporary youth.” – Variety

* plot spoiler*

I watched a coming out story. There were 3 main characters: Howie, Soloman, and Diwata.Howie is an openly gay student new to town. Diwata is a neurotic, aspiring actress that can't get a gig. Soloman is an aspiring journalist whose proposed topics are considered too controversial for the school's newspaper. This play was funny, but what stood out to me was Soloman's struggle with his sexual orientation. I saw some of my pain in his character. I saw the need for a Gay Straight Alliance in Jackson in his character. Hell, I would help start one there if I was asked tomorrow. Soloman was Catholic so his family was starchly opposed to him being himself. They sent him to the Exodus camp once and was planning on sending him again. Damn if I didn't want to hug the conflicted boy then. I think that through getting to know Howie, and probably even the strange and friendless Diwata, he began to gather more self-acceptance and courage to be himself. At the end, they showed him in his first gay chat room. His last words, "Is there anybody out there?" How often it can feel like that if you're gay. How often it can feel like that if you're a gay teen, I'm sure. I'm about to move to a town where people really believe that it's okay to assault you if you're queer. I know, some deranged people think that everywhere but Jackson has definitely had its block of cases and it's not known for much else.

The play touched me. I recommend that you go and see it. If you can't watch it at TheaterWorks in Memphis, go and watch it somewhere else. And now for some reviews: memphisflyer

The New York Times review tells more about the plot.

And for visual stimulation, a youtube bit:

Saturday, January 8, 2011

for maria

Maria- I saw this picture at the art show at the memphis gay & lesbian community center back in august. Guess who she makes me think of?

Friday, January 7, 2011

organizing from the inside out 1

I have made a step towards accomplishing my 2011 goal of reading at least 5 books that I own by completing Organizing from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern. Now, I am working the steps and principles in her book. She encourages readers to answer 5 assessment questions before starting to organize and get rid of their clutter:

1. What's working?

2. What's not working?

3. What items are most essential to you?

4. Why do you want to get organized? and

5. What's causing the problems? (which I'm currently skipping due to disinterest)

I have altered some of my actions, habits, and environment as a result of reading this book prior to completing the book. Tonight, I noticed that I've changed a number of things. I'd get to a not working and go, "well actually, I've already fixed that." Answering questions 1-4 made me feel accomplished.

I'm choosing to work this book now in hopes of me setting up a neater shop when I move to Jackson. Having more space in Jackson will also help. Part of me wants to move in Mphs even if Jackson doesn't work out (except I LOVE my complex and can't afford much larger with my current pay rate).

You can see some of my other 2011 goals here.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

a resolution blog

My friend Maria created an open note on facebook that encourages folk to create 100 resolutions for 2011. One way to get there is to answer the questions, "What would you do if money were no object? How would you live if you had your way? What would it look like to live your life, your way, now? " I'm not trying to get to 100 but I think that's an interesting question. How would I live if money were no object?

  • I wouldn't go to work everyday. I would work 2-3 days per week, 20 hours max.
  • I would take in fresh air.
  • I would take walks outside.
  • I would play. Play with animals. Play with young children. Play using my body.
  • I would travel and visit friends. Right now, I'd like to visit Maria and others in MO and Andrea in Arizona. Can I do both this year?
  • I would travel to visit new locations.
  • I would eat really good food, often cooked by other people.
  • I would be more responsible through my spending, things like buying products made close to home, buying from people that don't pay crappy wages for their production.
That's all I can think of for now. What would you do?