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Saturday, October 30, 2010

joys and concerns

I am really angry this morning. I am here and listening to Christian worship music trying to shrug it off. I have been trying to work the anti-inflammatory diet for about 6 weeks now but have not received the relief I crave. I have not been great about working the plan. In the beginning, I'd give myself a B- on success. Lately, I've been better but I still haven't overcame the damage I did to my body during the east coast trip. It physically hurts me to walk from my apartment to the dumpster now. Every day, I wake up stiff and achy. I'm bent over from it all but straighten up as I walk. To top off the fibromyalgia, I'm having issues with my wrists and shoulders that my doctor thinks is due to carpel tunnel syndrome. Thank God I get to have a nerve conduction study done Monday to test that theory and move forward with the treatment piece. Since my work trip/vacation, Tammy has been complaining that I moan in my sleep throughout the night. Pain? I effin hurt and I'm tired of it. I'm not gonna lie and say I've been living with a level 8 pain these past 6 weeks but fucking with my ability to live my life (e.g., go to the dumpster) is what pisses me off the most about pain. My pelvis hurts. My legs just scream of pain from time to time, like when I lay in bed to go to sleep. Fuck you fibromyalgia. Fuck you capel tunnel syndrome. Fuck you body for working counter to science and not really caring about my changed diet or resumed slow and easy exercising, trying to build you back up. Oh how I want ability back..........

blah. I put it out there but don't feel much better for it. I took trammadol at 6:30am hoping to feel better when I really got up (9:30am)-- didn't work. Hold on-- going to add Tylenol to that formula.

A former roommate taught me how to know which oils are good for me and my issues according to someone she knows. Close your eyes and hold the bottle. If you sway forward, it's for you. If you fall backwards, it's not. Cool, huh? Well, I bought eucalyptus oil based on that premise and she won't mail it to me. That urks me too. Yes I left it but I offered to pay for her to send it to me; what else can I do? It's approaching 2 months of my gluten free cooking magazine (which would be quite helpful), my oil that I hope will relief some pain and is also said to help with sinus issues, my incense that I think smells divine, relaxing, Trammadol which is/was quite important to me, and clothing somehow missed have been trapped at her house. I know she's sick too but it's been long enough that I think it's etching past the patience thing. Plus, she ignored my first voicemail, e-mail, and text inquiring about the status of my things being mailed to me. urg. I was hopeful for them when I purchased those things. Now they are becoming a distant memory, something I won't have to help me in my journey. I do know of an overpriced coffee house that sells the incense and can probably get the oil at Whole Foods. I guess I can rebuild those hopes. * sigh * And yes, I know it's my fault for leaving them and yes, I'm grateful that she contacted me to let me know they were there as I had been searching my place for them.

The good in life? I interviewed for 2 different positions at VA hospital this past week and a half. I especially think the first one went well. My answers were strong at the second one but I wrote down the wrong interview time on my calendar and arrived 15 minutes later than really scheduled (15 min. earlier than what I thought). By this time next month I'm hoping to know whether or not I'm finally in. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. The committe for the home-based care was really warm; they seem like a good team to work with. I'm not as sure about the HUD VASH Social Workers. I like them; I'm just getting nervous. When I thought about accepting the home care position if offered both, my spirit told me that's not my passion. Yes, I can do it but it's not my passion. The HUD position will challenge me as my load will be people that are chronically homeless. That's a special load there, especially since they're looking at those that have been continuously homeless for 1 year or more. The other definition of chronically homeless is 5 or more episodes in 3 years. Okay. That's jacked up but they're showing some resilicency by being housed sometimes. lol. They're gonna set me up with addicts and unmedicated mentally ill people. I really don't know how I'll fare there. But I don't think I can back down. I entered my field dedicted to working with people that are homeless. I started with homeless singles, non-addicted, moved to homeless families, am working with homeless addicts; VASH will just take me up one notch. I have long said I need experience working with the various sub-populations within homelessness. Well here I go. In their homes once they get them. It'll be a cool position. I'll get to give Section 8 (HUD VASH) vouchers to veterans, help them get moved in, and follow them for case management. I'll be working in permanent housing, ya'll. Yea! We'll see.

Pictures from my work trip/vacation:

I got to be in the store for about 2 minutes but it was quite exciting. I bought a window cling. My co-workers waited outside.

Patti Labelle concert the last night of the Catholic Charities conference. Awesome. Wished she was on stage longer but she was great.

Yea for seeing Ingrid, a LaGrange College friend.

And yea for meeting newer family members. This is my cousin Rodesha's daughter. She's one awesome chick.


  1. I am sorry that I failed you. I am not surprised or hurt that I did so, as the first person I failed was me. Then I accepted that failing was a part of my life at this point. Since I feel that I have made that as clear as possible to those around me over the past year, I encourage you to communicate with my SO when you fail to get a response from me. I mean, he lives in this "trap" too, and is so much more ABLE than I am. I am sorry that you can't rely on me, I am surprised that you were surprised and hurt, but not surprised that it is frustrating when that happens.

    In the mean time, I continue to be amazed and in awe of your strength and perseverance, your ability to cope and look for solutions to problems, when all I feel is frozen and scared. You are so strong and beautiful. You continue to be an inspiration because I know your journey isn't easy and still you do it. You still live your life, and that is so far away from where I am right now.

    I love you!

    (The person I know is a LCSW, Licensed Rohan Therapist, Licensed Heart-Centered Hypnotherapist, and a Licensed Aroma therapist.

  2. I love you too, M. I wasn't surprised that the items weren't mailed immediately; I was surprised by how long it took for them to get to mail, that I knew that you were doing other more active things, and especially that you wouldn't communicate with me about what was going on. But that's water under the bridge now. I'm glad that my post didn't hurt you. It was soul cleaning for me, a grieving.