crash

Last night, I sat upright in the floor choking on mucus. I wrapped myself in my heated blanket because it was from her. I sobbed and heard myself crying out things like, "noooo," and "whyyyy". I awoke this morning with swollen eyes and big lips. They say that people that make you cry aren't worth crying over, but Eleanor Roosevelt said no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Doesn't that suggest that perhaps I allowed her to "make" me cry. Isn't it true that no one can make me do much of anything; I had a choice about how I would respond to her dumping me. Did I have a choice about being dumped? She texted, "We are too different for the both of us. I don't understand you and you don't understand me. I'm tired of arguing....We will never understand each other." I have to wonder, at what points could I have done a better job listening? Maybe I should have done reflective listening so she would have known that I listen. At what points could I have put forth more effort not to sound like a N? I spoke as I processed like a N trying to figure it out when she dumped me. If I hadn't tried to understand, maybe she wouldn't have dumped me then. But then there would be other tensions.... At the same time, I feel like if I was worth more to her she would work with me to better understand me and have me better understand her. I got her to take a myers-briggs test because I suspected we were having a sensor-intuitive problem. Since then, I have realized that was the problem in the midst of conversations. I got her to see the very superficial with the test, but she's not interested in reading more in depth material. I don't know what else I could have offered as a tool to help us communicate. She is right. We do speak two different languages, a dialect of the same.

I feel like I have been kicked in the heart with steel-toe boots. I don't know what to do with my relationship with her from here. I said I would not answer if she called or texted today but found myself hoping it was her when the phone rang and noticing how the phone did not ring when she would usually call me on break or on my way to work. When she called, I answered and grieved when she had to hang up. We did not talk about this thing that has happened.

I cannot go back. This is the third time she's dumped me and the umpteenth time we've fought. If we got back together this week or next, it would just be more of the same pain. Pain either way it goes.