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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

repost: progress?

Sunday, March 07, 2010

I've gone round and round the mountain of sanity, faith, and hope on this fibromyalgia diet. About every 3 days, I want to throw in the tile. Thursday, for the first time, I thought, “maybe this is working”. I noticed that my pain level was remarkably low; Friday followed the same pattern, which holds. Pain-- tight spots-- appear in the early morning and later in the evening, things like tight shoulders or ankles. But I'm not having bad or constant pain. I've been marking 1s and 2s every day on the fmwellness survey. Sadly, my fatigue hasn't gotten any better and I find myself missing back when.... I went to a workshop on creative leadership on Thursday and found myself slightly envious of the presenter's energy. He would sporadically jump at various times; I'm scared of the price I'd pay for jumping throughout the day.

Whole Foods is like a God-send in my mind right now. I was having one of my break downs when I entered there last? week. Granted, that might change as my checking account balance grows lean, but it was absolutely there when I needed something to help me keep going. Right now, the hope of “it working” is helping me hold on. “Ice cream; I want ice cream-- but ice cream in exchange for pain? Nah.” At Whole Foods, I found acceptable fish sticks, bacon, soy (ice) cream. A few days later, I discovered new to me fruit at the Schnucks out near the fibro support group. I made a fruit salad with it and have been munching on that all week.

The support group- the first try was alright. Everyone else was white and all but one had children, grown or young. It's a bit of a faith-based group, which wasn't advertised on their website. I'm glad it wasn't. I would not have shown up to see how it went if it's headline was “Christian moms seek to help other Christian moms with chronic pain”. I'm the red-headed stepchild, at best, in Christianity. More accurately, I'm the red-headed lesbian that no one really talks about. *sigh * The group's founder said some things about her relationship with God that make me more comfortable approaching her with where my relationship is. It hasn't been without struggle; I can't say there's no trust lost. But I don't know the group members' flavor of Christianity. Are they all fundamentalist? Are there some progressives there too? Will they “love me” but disapprove of “my lifestyle” and how okay with that am I? It's sad to be understood in one way that has become integral to who one is, but alienated on account of another integral aspect. I was ashamed when I realized and am ashamed to admit that I could have began testing the waters on that at the first meeting but I didn't. There's some fellowship time after the official meeting. We were looking at magazines and talking about some things we've read about fibromyalgia, plus a little bit of small talk. Twice, I referred to Cindi as “my friend” instead of my girlfriend. Maybe it's because it was at the end of the meeting and by then a larger piece of me wanted them to accept me? Would I have acknowledged her for who she is to me had the opportunity come up earlier during that day? Maybe it's because I really did want to watch them for a session to see who they are in general and not focus on their stance on one cluster of issues. Maybe it's because I don't think that Cindi and I are going to be girlfriends past this year so fighting society to acknowledge her seems less important than it once did. But if it's not her, it could be someone else. And when talking sexual orientation and human rights, I'm still the one being debated at the end of the conversation regardless of my relationship status. Whatever the reason I worded things as I did, a decision was made and now I'll have to face that dragon again when I see them at the end of the month. The decision will always have to be made until I finally choose truth, and then I'll have to choose truth time and time again. I meant to go to the Nashville fibro support group this morning but I plum forgot. I woke up at 10:20am and realized the group met at 11am right about 11am. I would have been a hour late by the time I found them so I have to mark that off as maybe next time. I am hoping for more diversity and a greater level of comfort with that group. But maybe not. Comfort is up to me in the end and I'm not sure that a situation itself can give me that confidence.

Anyhow, I am ending my weekend of visiting Cindi now; it's time for bed. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up and get on I-40 once again. Blessed be.

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