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Monday, July 12, 2010

starting again

I'm at a point of change and again beginnings in my life.

Today is day 1 of being back in the control stage of my anti-pain diet. It hasn't been horrific. I've been busy so I haven't had great timing for meals which eliminates options. Less choice, less thinking, just doing. I had tuna and corn chips for dinner, popcorn for a snack, and pop tarts (remove the temptation!) for breakfast. Today is also day 1 of me actually counting points like the Weight Watchers gods want me to do. My goal is 31 per day. I'm probably at around 20 as of dinner. I slumped into WW today after 2 weeks MIA. I knew I had gained weight. I'm +6 since joining 6 weeks ago. Something someone at the meeting said reminded me of why I agreed to try 3 months of Weight Watchers in the first place. I want to feel better. There's a chance that weight loss will increase my energy and decrease my pain. I'm trying the diet from WebMD; why not try this too? I had goals for about 4 of my 6 weeks. Now I'm jumping in with both feet.

Gradually but continuously, I'm feeling that it's about time to move on employment wise. This month, I hope to apply to work at VA Nashville, VA Murpheesboro, and VA Memphis seeking basically the same job at all three locations. I'll be doing what my mom is doing, a job I've wanted since she got it. I'll still be in homeless services, just at a different location. This provides the opportunity for (1) better pay and (2) to finally get out of Memphis. My lease is up in 2 months. With more prior planning, I would probably be working my tail off to leave town instead of applying for such a limited number of positions. Still, I should make arrangements to visit Citizen K because I like her and because I really do want to check out Little Rock. A guy on okcupid told me not to move there but gave me his phone number if I want to know why he says that. I'll probably just stay in a state of mystery.

I'm a photographer. I photographed a wedding over a month ago and have gotten a party gig because of that. The money won't be great but it'll be a paid photography job. I'm siked. I also entered my name to be in an art show. I'm kind of on the waiting list right now but it could happen. I have no idea what I'm going to show. Figuring that out is on the back of my to do list.

Religion has been heavily on my mind since the 4th of July. My parents were having a conversation of the homo bashing kind. I listened to them talk and thought, what if they're right? What if my sexual orientation is a sin and God is displeased? It sent me into an incredibly isolating existence that hasn't completely lifted. It sent me to my on again, semi-off again interest in paganism, something that hits high on my beliefnet religion test and is a religion that fully accepts me. But I don't think I desire conversion. Even if I "become" a pagan, I'll still hold Christian beliefs dear and well, be a Christian. What I really desire is community. The Stone is semi-defunked. It might resurface in the next week or three but I've emotionally disconnected from that group, though not the people. I've attended nearly every open and affirming church in this city but not felt grabbed at any of them. I'm just sitting.... Maybe I'll attend the lgbt christian group at the gay and lesbian community center this week. I'm barely hanging on to....

So here's to new beginnings, a restarting of the old. Here's to higher and farther, onward, upward, excelling. Here's to me. Whole, full, wonderful me.

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