must have's, can't stands, and wouldn't it be nice-- the 2015 update

I haven't yet mustered the whatever all is required in order to reflect on 2014. It was a hard year and I'm not sure I want to look back. But, I did allow the calendar's turning and related prompting from Lady B to give me the push needed to update the must have/can't stand list I created back in 2009 or 11. Since the original inception, I've also heard people talk about there being things that would be nice but aren't absolutes; I incorporated that idea. Steve Harvey talks about the list almost like a system of pluses and minuses- you want the person to have these 10 characteristics and they have 7 of them. You don't want them to have the following 9 characteristics but they have 3 of them. How do those undesirable characteristics affect the things you want out of a mate? If the bad prevents the good from being, then you might want to move on. I like how he broke it down. So, perhaps more comprehensive, perhaps less rigid, here's my updated list to look back on as I open myself to love:

 Must Have's:
1. Get the credit check before kicking up the relationship in any way. That print out may tell you a few things about how the person really operates, at least financially. How I met your mother showed me a credit check is needed before marriage J.
2. Honesty & Trust
      ~ Doesn't this go without saying? I must be able to trust my partner. I also need for them to trust          me.
      ~ Reading back over back entries, I found this: "'people who lie to you can be trusted to lie to             you. They have a vested interest in the way they tell their stories and if you want someone who is       invested in the truth ( as you might see it) run from the liars.' thanks to a dear friend for that one."
   
3. Spirituality
     - Christianity is a perk but not mandatory. Being connected to some spiritual body is a plus; I want to know that the person is spiritual without them having to ask them, "Are you spiritual and/or religious?" and waiting for their answer.
4. Respectful
5. Willing to let me know them

A relationship cannot last on fluff alone. I want to feel connected to their soul, feel like it has somehow been shared/shown to me. I want to know what they like to do, something besides make me happy, and I want to know why they're troubled when they reach that point. I want someone who will let me in without me begging to be there. Compatible partners words it as, "Verbal Intimacy... I must know that my partner is sharing their deepest emotional thoughts and desires."

6. Physical Touch
I have this thing, "If you don't want to touch me, then why do you want to date me?" I'm not talking about sex; I'm just a touch-feely person when it gets down to it. Withholding touch is a good way to make me feel not loved.
7. Monogamous
I'm not into, "We went on a date on Friday. We are monogamous, committed lovers on Monday." However, I can't see forever spending my life with someone who always wants the freedom to date (and fuck) other people. Eventually, it has to be decided that we will be together or we can move on.

8. Good communication 

I've dated enough to know that an earnest attempt to communicate with me is important. We might not get it right but I want to be with someone that's not holding back and continues to work with me to clearly understand each other. Of course, we also need to get to a good place with this. 

Wants:

1. Fiscal responsibility. On some level, this is a "must" but thinking of Dave Ramsey's belief that we pair we our opposite in this regard, I'm still not sure where I draw the line. Well, good credit is a must. Anyhow, fiscal responsibility.
          * If I hear someone trying to borrow money from someone on our first date, run.Implement the           same rule for dates 2 & 3. Use this rule if I hear them borrowing money often, regardless             of when they begin to do so within my earshot.
       * I want to be with someone that can agree to some common financial goals and work with me to accomplish those goals. I need to be with someone that can and does save. I need them to think about their spending but not be so anal that they don't spend and don't want me to spend. I want to save enough to cover 6 months or more of our expenses should we both lose our income. I want to have a money market account someday, assuming it pays more in interest than the standard savings account. I want to be with someone that can get a credit card but does not aim to rack up debt, someone that can get that item on credit but can suck it up and save to buy it with cash when 0% interest is not an option. I want to be with someone that can flow here with me. I need to be with someone that can calm my money anxious center that needs a storehouse to feel secure.
2. Shared values. We don't have to agree about everything but there should be some commonality. If it seems appropriate to say, "we have different values," it probably means that we disagree on too many things to be a good forever match. Being politically conservative is probably a deal breaker.
3. Has goals they are working towards accomplishing
4. Someone who gives a shit about something beyond their own nose. Being social justice focused is a plus. I'd like to be with someone that might attend a vigil with me. 
5. Family friendly
I adore my nieces and nephews. I am close to most all of my relatives (well, family in the general sense). I need someone who's into that. It would be nice if they have a family that they get along with, people to extend my network of relatives in the long range, people for them to talk about. Short-term, I need them to not be annoyed when I talk about my peeps b/c they are my peeps. I need them to not be bothered by how close my family and I are. I am independent, but I am connected. 

      ~ Again, not sure if this is a need or want. I haven't been in a relationship where this was a problem area. 

6. More flexible/spontaneous than I
Too much so and we wouldn't work but there's that other kind that is perfect for keeping me from getting too bogged down into a funk of having to do so and so and always having a plan. My "J" has weakened over the years and I like that.

7. Able to view things from various perspectives, not stuck on just their view

8. Willing to address issues as they develop instead of constantly running from potential disagreements

9. "Industriousness... I must have someone who is willing to work hard at whatever they do." That one is from compatible partners. I suspect it's a must have but I'll keep it here for now. You know, it makes me think of my desire to have someone that will help me with task, a worker bee. #10.

10. Worker bee-- someone that will help me with projects and tasks

11. Someone that believes in my ability and knowledge

Can't Stand:

1. Gender-typed expectations

I will cook for you if you cook for me. I will not cook for you if you won't cook for me. Well, I might b/c I have to eat but I will not be expected to cook because I'm a woman. If we have children, (1) It's probably your fault and (2) I'm not the sole caretaker. I will not habitually deliver your meals to you and I refuse to fix your lunch. Get the picture? I'm not feminazi, really, whatever that is. I just refuse to play that womanly, mothering (W.I.F.E.)* role.
*W.I.F.E.- wash, iron, fuck, etc.
2. Racist
I want someone who can be kool with all of my friends. Besides, I don't like hate-based things in general.

3. Homophobic
Again, "I want someone who can be kool with all of my friends. Besides, I don't like hate-based things in general." And, I'm kind of gay; you hate me? rly?

4. Negativity

I complain, often, but deep down, I'm an optimist. Some people are always complaining and talking about what they can't do. Those people bother me. 

5. Neat Freak
I am neither a neat freak or super dirty. I want to be with someone who cleans-- you know bleach, Comet, etc.-- but not someone who freaks out over a few dirty dishes or believes that the bathroom has to be scrubbed 4 times a week. ha! It's a roommate requirement.

6. Insist on their way all the time

7. A cheater

8. Anger-- someone that cannot manage their anger

Don't Want:
1. Someone that constantly criticizes or condemns others or is condescending
2. Inactivity
I think this will change long-term, but right now, I like to move. Let me rephrase that-- I think how important this is to me will change 10 years from now, in a sense. I don't want to be with someone who simply works and says, "Hey baby, How's it going?" I guess I need for them to have their own interests and own life. Overlapping interests are good. TV doesn't count. It'd be cute to have a show that we watch or that we watch with friends, but I don't want to be with someone who only likes to sit around the house. I'll feel like I'm neglecting them if I constantly going places without them and like I'm babysitting and harassing them if I nudge them out the door to do something. Be vibrant. I like lively people.

church listing

I'm not quite sure what I did with my kindle in the move... of course, I also can't say I've looked. Anyhow, this situation has inspired me to post info on churches to visit here so that I can access it from any online device. I realize that one issue I have with going to church on Sundays-- in addition to plain lack of motivation-- is lack of a plan. If I had a church home, it would be understood that I would wake up and go there. For me, it's more like tackle that question on Saturday and then wonder details like what time they start. I *think* I started collecting start times in my kindle but until we are reconnected, here I go again:

1. Gay Pentecostal Church meets in the afternoon. Will have to acquire details again.

2. Open Heart Spiritual Center. Now meeting at: Leadership Memphis Gallery, 363 S. Main- Memphis, TN 38103. Meditation at 9:30am, Celebration Service 10am.

3. Old Salem Baptist Church, 368 Buntyn Street, 323-9041, Rev. Jack Carpenter on Bunton near Orange Mound, near Central Ave

4. Mt. Moriah Baptist Church, 2634 Carnes Ave, (901) 324-6771

5. One Faith Christian Center (default), 5141 Easley, 11am

6. New Direction Christian Church (default): 10:30am, 6120 Winchester Rd

7. Holy Trinity UCC, 685 S. Highland Street, 11am

8. First Congregational UCC, 10:30am, 1000 S. Cooper

9. Shady Grove Presbyterian

10. Jacob's Well

11. Hope Presbyterian 8, 930, 1115, 530 sun. On sat 530.

12. Life Church cordova sun 830 10am 11:30am sun 6pm Sat. Highland: 10am and 11:30am. 

13. My dad's old church- have to find my notes of where that is. 

14. Freedom's Chapel Christian Church, 961 Getwell Rd, 901-244-7661

15. MS Blvd Christian Church

16. Gifts of Life Ministries, 8am, 3381 Raleigh-Millington Road

17. Binghampton UMC (formally Everett UMC)

18. Lindenwood Christian Church

19. Cathedral of Praise, 561 S. Prescott, www.cathedralmemphis.org , 12:30pm.

20. Unity Church of Christianity, 3345 McCorkle Road, 11am

21. First Presbyterian Church, 166 Poplar Avenue, 11am

22. Living Word Chrisian Church, 1015 S. Cooper Street, 10am

23. Christ City Church

24. Unity Church of Practical Christianity, 9228 Walnut Grove, 10:30am

 http://www.unitychurchofpracticalchristianity.org/
25. Salem Gilfield Baptist Church, 3176 Kimball Avenue, 11am. Because Pastor (?) Stanford Hunt invited me at an event for the homeless and I was glad to see him there. 

Also, it's occurred to me that I can have some default churches to attend when no other plan is in place. Lady B would love for me to join her at her church. My current commitment is First Sundays but yes, it can help me reach my 2-3 visits per month quota. New Direction Christian Church is a place that I'm fond of in many ways and used to listen to faithfully online. In fact, I think I'll listen to them this morning. And One Faith Christian Center is pastored by a relative and has quite an enjoyable and inspiring service. Look at that-- my default churches can fill my 3 visits per month by themselves. 

Wow. That list is bit, or lot, longer than I anticipated. I guess I have some places to go!

October plans

July brought storms with my dad's death and a burglary and the break down of my relationship with what was close paternal family.

August is a bit of a blur. I suspect I spent a lot of time taking care of dad's affairs. I also contacted my landlord and stated intent to vacate at the end of September.

September, I moved out of my apartment and in with Lady B. The move is to be temporary while I clean out/unpack/set up my house. September, her mom died.

October, my intention is/was to wind down a bit, to sit and enjoy a bit of life. It started with a funeral but there are many days left to see what comes. Some things that I do want to experience this month are:
1. Have ice cream with my youngest nephew, Kashe
2. Have my car detailed, shampoo included
3. Tea, spanakopita, and chat with James and possibly Tre (and Lady B) at the place on Germantown Parkway
4. LezBiFriends Event
5. Mini-vacation with Lady B. Currently talking about Hot Springs.
6. Pedicure
7. Dye my hair (semi-permanent)
8. Take the family to Jasmine's Thai
9. Take Lady B on a date
10. Double date with niece +1
11. Schedule a meal with my paternal cousins :)

notifying credit bureaus of loved one's death

The South Carolina Department of Consumer Affairs

Wrapping up the loose ends of deceased family member can be a daunting task. Notifying the credit bureaus can often be an after thought or even over looked all together. But the South Carolina Department of Consumer Affairs (SCDCA) wants consumers to be aware that deceased loved ones can be victims of identity theft, too. Follow these instructions in order to minimize the chance of identity theft of your deceased loved ones.

Notifying the Credit Bureaus of a Death
Follow these steps for notifying the credit bureaus of a family member’s death:
1. Request copies of the death certificate. You will send these to the credit bureaus (as well as any
creditors that the deceased may have, that are still unaware of the death).
2. Draft a notification letter. Utilize SCDCA’s sample letter for notifying the credit bureaus of
the death or draft a letter containing the following information:
a. Your name and contact information.
b. The deceased’s name, social security number, prior three addresses in
the past five years, date of birth, location of birth and date of death.
c. Specify your relationship to the deceased and provide supporting
documents, as required.
d. Ask that the credit bureau post on the decedent’s credit report:
“Deceased, Do Not Issue Credit.”
e. Request a current copy of the decedent’s credit report.
3. Send the notification letter and death certificate copy to the bureaus. Keep copies of your
originals and send the letters certified mail, return receipt requested to:
Equifax, Office of Consumer Affairs, PO Box 105139, Atlanta, GA 30348
Experian, PO Box 2002, Allen, TX 75013-9595
TransUnion, PO Box 2000 Chester, PA 19022
4. Review the credit report and ensure that all the accounts are marked as deceased. If they are
not, the process for notifying a creditor is similar to the process listed above. However, verify
what documentation may be required with individual creditors.

This site also has a form one can use.

Source: http://www.consumer.sc.gov/consumer/IdentityTheft/Documents/DeceasedLtrIns072613.pdf

Legacy Drawer

Legacy Drawer: Keep Your Family Prepared

Don't overlook this essential part of your financial plan

from daveramsey.com on 07 Oct 2010

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If you've listened to Dave for any amount of time, you've heard him talk about the Legacy Drawer. So what is it? Basically, it's a drawer that houses all of the important information your family needs in case something happens to you. Preparing for when you are no longer here is not a fun task, but it's crucial to do this for your family.

Every household needs a Legacy Drawer. It doesn't matter if you're single with no kids or 76 and have 12 grandkids—you need a Legacy Drawer. It's the last gift you will give your family, so make it a good one. If you truly care about your loved ones, you will take the time to create a Legacy Drawer.

The drawer should be somewhere in your home and contain everything your spouse or family needs to know if you aren't around—anything that has to do with your financial life should be in that drawer. You must organize it in a way that anyone can find a specific document in 30 seconds. All files should be clearly marked, in order, and easy for a grieving family member to find. There's no need to go into extreme detail when creating your Legacy Drawer. Simply include the appropriate documents in an easy-to-understand format, and you're good to go!

We recommend that your Legacy Drawer contain 11 things. Although it may seem daunting to gather all of this material together, you will be happy you did once the Legacy Drawer is created.

1. Cover Letter – This is simply a letter stating the purpose of the Legacy Drawer. Nothing fancy, just a way to introduce your loved ones to the contents of the drawer.
   
2. Will and Estate Plans – All information pertaining to your will and estate, including names of the executor and Power of Attorney should be located in one file.
   
3. Financial Account – Anything that has money in it and your name on it should be listed in the Legacy Drawer. This includes account names, amount and account numbers.
   
4. Funeral Instructions – All details and specifications for funeral plans should be listed so the family can fulfill your wishes. If you are married, you need one for you and one for your spouse.
   
   
5. Insurance Policies – All insurance information, including health, car, disability, term life, etc., should be combined into one single document for easy reference. List the type of insurance, who the policy is for, contact information and policy numbers.
   
6. Important Documents – Any legal or other important documents you have should be noted in the file. This includes deeds, birth certificates, Social Security cards and titles.
   
7. Legacy Letters – Since the intention behind the Legacy Drawer is to keep your legacy going after you've passed away, it's a great idea to include letters to your loved ones.
   
8. Monthly Budget – Add a copy of your written budget, so your spouse or loved ones know how to operate your household once you're gone. This will help your family keep track of bills and focus on more important things.
   
9. Tax Returns – Keeping tax returns in your Legacy Drawer is like an insurance policy for yourself in the event that you get audited from the IRS. Hopefully you never have to pull them out, but if you do, at least you are prepared.
   
10. Safe Deposit Box – Keep copies of all your Legacy Drawer papers in a safe deposit box—you can never be too careful. Include information in your Legacy Drawer on where your safe deposit box is and who has access to it.
    
11. Passwords – Write down all passwords, combinations, usernames and PIN numbers. This information allows your loved ones access to any documents, money or information that is left when you are gone.

If you put your mind to it, you can create your Legacy Drawer in 30 days! It's tedious to gather all of the documents and paperwork that goes into the drawer, but it's a necessary task in order to protect you and your family.

From http://www.daveramsey.com/article/legacy-drawer-keep-your-family-prepared/lifeandmoney_relationshipsandmoney/

1st day back at work

Today was hard. My girl, Lady B, called me at 7am. 7am phone ringing generally means a call from dad. Today, I knew it wasn't him.

Went to work just sad.

Spoke to a former client this afternoon. He reminds me of my dad in ways-- always talking about the Bible, served in Germany, takes on his daughter's worries as his own. It was a bittersweet call. I'm glad that he and his daughter are able to be close. I listened to him and grieved my own.

I blasted Nirvana's Nevermind on my way towards the house.

Now, it is time for bed. Good night.

life unfolding

I don't have time to really bring you up to speed so here's me jumping into the whirlwind of life recently.

Last week, my dad died. Found his body on Tuesday; think he died on Monday. Last saw him that Sunday night. :(

Tuesday- dad's funeral.

Wednesday- woke up feeling better than I did. Perhaps the burial is the beginning of healing? But then....

Wednesday- family drama began. Dad's side. I'll call them FM & JW. They lured me to my dad's house after I told them I was handling something else at the time. Falsely reported that I was being robbed so of course, police were called.

Thursday- JM tried to rob me. A car. I called the police. They let him go.

Today (Friday)- I'm taking out a restraining order. Living in a state where close family inspires high blood pressure, high blood sugar, higher levels of pain, shaking (body), racing heart, nausea, and just sadness and disappointment is not okay.