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Sunday, January 4, 2015

must have's, can't stands, and wouldn't it be nice-- the 2015 update

I haven't yet mustered the whatever all is required in order to reflect on 2014. It was a hard year and I'm not sure I want to look back. But, I did allow the calendar's turning and related prompting from Lady B to give me the push needed to update the must have/can't stand list I created back in 2009 or 11. Since the original inception, I've also heard people talk about there being things that would be nice but aren't absolutes; I incorporated that idea. Steve Harvey talks about the list almost like a system of pluses and minuses- you want the person to have these 10 characteristics and they have 7 of them. You don't want them to have the following 9 characteristics but they have 3 of them. How do those undesirable characteristics affect the things you want out of a mate? If the bad prevents the good from being, then you might want to move on. I like how he broke it down. So, perhaps more comprehensive, perhaps less rigid, here's my updated list to look back on as I open myself to love:

 Must Have's:
1. Get the credit check before kicking up the relationship in any way. That print out may tell you a few things about how the person really operates, at least financially. How I met your mother showed me a credit check is needed before marriage J.
2. Honesty & Trust
      ~ Doesn't this go without saying? I must be able to trust my partner. I also need for them to trust          me.
      ~ Reading back over back entries, I found this: "'people who lie to you can be trusted to lie to             you. They have a vested interest in the way they tell their stories and if you want someone who is       invested in the truth ( as you might see it) run from the liars.' thanks to a dear friend for that one."
3. Spirituality
     - Christianity is a perk but not mandatory. Being connected to some spiritual body is a plus; I want to know that the person is spiritual without them having to ask them, "Are you spiritual and/or religious?" and waiting for their answer.
4. Respectful
5. Willing to let me know them
A relationship cannot last on fluff alone. I want to feel connected to their soul, feel like it has somehow been shared/shown to me. I want to know what they like to do, something besides make me happy, and I want to know why they're troubled when they reach that point. I want someone who will let me in without me begging to be there. Compatible partners words it as, "Verbal Intimacy... I must know that my partner is sharing their deepest emotional thoughts and desires."
6. Physical Touch
I have this thing, "If you don't want to touch me, then why do you want to date me?" I'm not talking about sex; I'm just a touch-feely person when it gets down to it. Withholding touch is a good way to make me feel not loved.
I'm not into, "We went on a date on Friday. We are monogamous, committed lovers on Monday." However, I can't see forever spending my life with someone who always wants the freedom to date (and fuck) other people. Eventually, it has to be decided that we will be together or we can move on.
8. Good communication 
I've dated enough to know that an earnest attempt to communicate with me is important. We might not get it right but I want to be with someone that's not holding back and continues to work with me to clearly understand each other. Of course, we also need to get to a good place with this. 

1. Fiscal responsibility. On some level, this is a "must" but thinking of Dave Ramsey's belief that we pair we our opposite in this regard, I'm still not sure where I draw the line. Well, good credit is a must. Anyhow, fiscal responsibility.
          * If I hear someone trying to borrow money from someone on our first date, run.Implement the           same rule for dates 2 & 3. Use this rule if I hear them borrowing money often, regardless             of when they begin to do so within my earshot.
       * I want to be with someone that can agree to some common financial goals and work with me to accomplish those goals. I need to be with someone that can and does save. I need them to think about their spending but not be so anal that they don't spend and don't want me to spend. I want to save enough to cover 6 months or more of our expenses should we both lose our income. I want to have a money market account someday, assuming it pays more in interest than the standard savings account. I want to be with someone that can get a credit card but does not aim to rack up debt, someone that can get that item on credit but can suck it up and save to buy it with cash when 0% interest is not an option. I want to be with someone that can flow here with me. I need to be with someone that can calm my money anxious center that needs a storehouse to feel secure.
2. Shared values. We don't have to agree about everything but there should be some commonality. If it seems appropriate to say, "we have different values," it probably means that we disagree on too many things to be a good forever match. Being politically conservative is probably a deal breaker.
3. Has goals they are working towards accomplishing
4. Someone who gives a shit about something beyond their own nose. Being social justice focused is a plus. I'd like to be with someone that might attend a vigil with me. 
5. Family friendly
I adore my nieces and nephews. I am close to most all of my relatives (well, family in the general sense). I need someone who's into that. It would be nice if they have a family that they get along with, people to extend my network of relatives in the long range, people for them to talk about. Short-term, I need them to not be annoyed when I talk about my peeps b/c they are my peeps. I need them to not be bothered by how close my family and I are. I am independent, but I am connected. 
      ~ Again, not sure if this is a need or want. I haven't been in a relationship where this was a problem area. 
6. More flexible/spontaneous than I
Too much so and we wouldn't work but there's that other kind that is perfect for keeping me from getting too bogged down into a funk of having to do so and so and always having a plan. My "J" has weakened over the years and I like that.
7. Able to view things from various perspectives, not stuck on just their view
8. Willing to address issues as they develop instead of constantly running from potential disagreements
9. "Industriousness... I must have someone who is willing to work hard at whatever they do." That one is from compatible partners. I suspect it's a must have but I'll keep it here for now. You know, it makes me think of my desire to have someone that will help me with task, a worker bee. #10.
10. Worker bee-- someone that will help me with projects and tasks
11. Someone that believes in my ability and knowledge

Can't Stand:
1. Gender-typed expectations
I will cook for you if you cook for me. I will not cook for you if you won't cook for me. Well, I might b/c I have to eat but I will not be expected to cook because I'm a woman. If we have children, (1) It's probably your fault and (2) I'm not the sole caretaker. I will not habitually deliver your meals to you and I refuse to fix your lunch. Get the picture? I'm not feminazi, really, whatever that is. I just refuse to play that womanly, mothering (W.I.F.E.)* role.
*W.I.F.E.- wash, iron, fuck, etc.

2. Racist
I want someone who can be kool with all of my friends. Besides, I don't like hate-based things in general.
3. Homophobic
Again, "I want someone who can be kool with all of my friends. Besides, I don't like hate-based things in general." And, I'm kind of gay; you hate me? rly?
4. Negativity
I complain, often, but deep down, I'm an optimist. Some people are always complaining and talking about what they can't do. Those people bother me. 
5. Neat Freak
I am neither a neat freak or super dirty. I want to be with someone who cleans-- you know bleach, Comet, etc.-- but not someone who freaks out over a few dirty dishes or believes that the bathroom has to be scrubbed 4 times a week. ha! It's a roommate requirement.
6. Insist on their way all the time
7. A cheater
8. Anger-- someone that cannot manage their anger

Don't Want:
1. Someone that constantly criticizes or condemns others or is condescending
2. Inactivity
I think this will change long-term, but right now, I like to move. Let me rephrase that-- I think how important this is to me will change 10 years from now, in a sense. I don't want to be with someone who simply works and says, "Hey baby, How's it going?" I guess I need for them to have their own interests and own life. Overlapping interests are good. TV doesn't count. It'd be cute to have a show that we watch or that we watch with friends, but I don't want to be with someone who only likes to sit around the house. I'll feel like I'm neglecting them if I constantly going places without them and like I'm babysitting and harassing them if I nudge them out the door to do something. Be vibrant. I like lively people.

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