preliminary decisions, preliminary actions (part 1)

Today, I've had 4 Tylenol, 1 Trammadol, 1 BC Powder, used Watkin's linament and still I have pain. Things leaving my diet: dairy, gluten, yeast, wheat, sugar, & aspartame. Dairy because I've talked to a couple of people with theories on why it would exasperate pain. I never reintroduced it when doing my experiment last year so I have no clue how it affects me. Maybe I'll find out this time around. It was hard to conceptualize removing dairy in this heat until I remembered soy cream. Cool and refreshing.

Sugar- well, I can't say anything more than I plan to limit this category. That should have been obvious when I mentioned soy (ice) cream. lol. Sugar raises yeast levels and yeast was part of the block of things that raised my pain last year.

Gluten, yeast, and wheat were the block of items that increased my pain last year. Once I dropped the diet, they didn't seem to elevate the pain the way I thought they would but in the artificial setting, yes. Perhaps removing them again will help my pain levels drop and become more controllable.

Aspartame- eh. It's said to be bad for us in so many ways. It was also one of the first things I heard was linked to pain. I tried removing it without removing other things once and it didn't make a difference so I don't know how much of a trigger it is. But, as with all things, if other pain triggers were in my diet while this pain trigger was removed, I'd still feel pain and not recognize aspartame as a trigger.

These guidelines were in my head as I went grocery shopping this afternoon. Nitrates allow the possibility of frozen meals. No dairy or gluten seemed to remove that possibility. I have to remember how to eat again. I remember fruit (and corn chips) being my save so I made a large fruit salad today: mango, pineapple, apples, oranges, and grapes. I hope not to consume so many chips this time. Chips are one of my major diet weaknesses. I thought my allowances would allow for a variety in chip type since chips are made from potatoes and I'm okay with nightshades this time around. Nope. Dairy is oh so prominent. If I keep looking, I might find some options but it didn't work out for me today. Plain is an option. Plain is not my favorite. I paid too much for a brown rice chip for work. We'll see how that tastes.

Despite mentally trying to (plan to) live under these new guidelines, I've already screwed up. I bought ingredients so I can make spaghetti forgetting my spaghetti is "good" in that it is whole wheat but not appropriate in that it is not gluten free. * sigh* There's 3 days of gluten and wheat for me but it also gave me the realization that I need to prepare a Whole Foods list for when I'm in Memphis next weekend. Except I also need to curb my spending. We'll see what happens. I'm doing a little more meal preparation now that I'm teaching myself to eat vegetables. Oh. I hadn't told you that. I made potato and leek soup two weeks ago as part of my try a new vegetable initiative. I bought the Food Lovers Weight Lost System but failed because it wants me to eat vegetables (green, purple, orange) twice a day. Proior to receiving the material, I thought I could get away with using fruit as my slow carb. Strawberries are about the only slow carb fruit I eat apparently. New goal: Eat at least 4 servings of slow carb veggies each week. If I can build up a tolerance for those foods, perhaps I can give Robert Ferguson's system another try one day. I do like the concept and seem to lose 2lbs a week using his week 1 guidelines (minus slow carbs) so I'm giving up my right to a refund and looking at what good I can get out of the info. Next up to make myself: yams. I've had them. I mostly don't like them. I like how a local restaurant, Royal Reeds, makes them. Maybe I can make something tasty too?

Some joys of having nitrates, nightshade plants, and caffeine in my diet this time around:
1. I can eat Nathan's hot dogs. They are SO good on the grill. And I bought some pecan roasted beef sausages that look divine. I can't wait to try them.
2. I can drink wine. It tends to contain nitrates so I had to abstain the first time around.
3. I can eat french fries.
4. I can have salsa with my tortilla chips.
5. Oh Lord, I hope there are more....

Here's my new beginning on controlling my food intake to control my pain level. I'm looking for someone to experience this with me. Are you down?

if the diet resumes...

Let's say I'm tired of the pain and ready to stop eating again. Maybe I won't eliminate ALL of the foods I eliminated the first time around. Perhaps I can eat something besides what I prepare myself. The webmd suggested categories to remove are (1) aspartame, (2)nitrates, MSG, and other additives, (3) sugar, fructose, and simple carbs, (4) caffeine, (5) yeast and gluten, (6) dairy, and (7) nightshade plants (tomatoes, potatoes, egg plant, & peppers). Fibro sisters & other folks with chronic pain, which of these things have you noticed contributing to your pain? What do you recommend that I ditch? Let's say that I remove 3-4 of these categories-- the winners would be ______? Yeast & gluten are a definite as I remember them spiking the pain when I was doing the experimental and control groups last year. What else? Feedback appreciated.

Lord's Prayer

The Lord's Prayer
(from the New Zealand Prayer Book
Rev ed.: He Karakia Mihinare O Aotearoa)

Eternal Spirit, Earth-maker, Pain-bearer, Life-giver,
Source of all that is and that shall be,
Father and Mother of us all,
Loving God, in whom is heaven:
The hallowing of your name echo through the universe!
The way of your justice be followed by the peoples of the world!
Your heavenly will be done by all created beings!
Your commonwealth of peace and freedom sustain our hope and come on earth.
With the bread we need for today, feed us.
In the hurts we absorb from one another, forgive us.
In times of temptation and test, strengthen us.
From trials too great to endure, spare us.
From the grip of all that is evil, free us.
For you reign in the glory of the power that is love, now and for ever. Amen

from James- another description of my fatigue

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

chronic fatigue

This is affirming (I don't think that's the right word, but I've been battling brain fog for 3 weeks now): http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201105/the-stigma-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-ii-readers-respond

The experiences with the doctors remind me of the experiences I have with people. This week (last week?), I barely made it through my work days. I came home and went to bed by 6pm. I slept until the phone rang or American Idol came on. I showered. I went back to bed. Wednesday, I reached a low in spirit; Thursday, I got a break and started to feel better. Friday, I was still on the up swing so I stayed up until 11pm or so cleaning in hopes of getting to Memphis before Sunday to appease my girl. Saturday, I paid for it. My body reminded me that I am not healthy and I am not in control. I had somewhere to be by 10:30am Sat so I drug myself out of bed around 9. I made my two errands, I went back to bed. I slept for 2.5 hours, again woken by the phone, then I went to the laundromat. That 90 minutes of activity wiped me out but because of the late hour, I decided to stay up until 8 and then sleep for the rest of the day. My evening consisted of things I could do while sitting, as I didn't have the energy to much more. This morning, I slept longer than able if I planned to go to church. I wanted to go visit a church; I didn't go visit a church. And here I am sleepy post breakfast, needing to get ready to hop on the road. I'm starting to fear I-40 more and more as it really isn't safe to let me drive like this.

Explaining this experience to the normals doesn't go so well. They tell me they get tired too. Like this? Where you are too tired to eat and sleep for 12+ hours each day? Where you can't remember anything especially once you "wake up" from the cloud and realize you have no idea what's happened the previous 5 days? Do the normals struggle with the shame of calling in sick and then explaining that the sickness is fatigue? Do the normals stay at work knowing they are "sick as a dog" but refusing to look like less by going home? I can't imagine their experience being like mine but since I can't remember being normal, what do I know? All I know is that I am viewed as weak for giving in to the fatigue. I know that people like to tell me to exercise and I'll get over the fatigue. Really? I can't stand and clean my kitchen for 10 minutes but you want me to start an exercise program? Nevermind that I exercised 3 times the week before this fatigue period took control. I just need to push through, exercise some more. The lady in the article is right. People tend to view us as just lazy. People assume that I never exercise and that's why exercise will make me well. I exercise more than most of the ppl that say that shyt but look, it hasn't helped.

And then there's the relationship piece. Where are the posts and articles about how chronic fatigue and chronic pain f_ck up one's love life? Tammy has been so great to me concerning the pain but I don't know if she can understand the fatigue. Sometimes, I seem to just sleep all the time. Now, I disappoint because I didn't push through the things I need to do and hop on the road sooner than I planned. She hung up on me last night. Disappointment. Shame. I wish I was stronger. I think my strength made me sick. Life is showing me that I don't control shit. Here I am, less than 90 minutes up from a 12 hour sleep, ready to crawl into bed again. Good luck to you on seizing the day.

EDIT: Tammy didn't literally hang up on me (i.e., in the way typically thought of as hanging up). I called her. She didn't like what she heard. She said, "okay. I'm gonna let you get back to what you were doing". Click. The conversation lasted less than 10 minutes and I called her. Why would I need to get back to what I was doing? Hence, my "hung up" expression.

This week has been one of those periods where I feel like a failure and disgrace in so many ways. I've been so tired that I've lived in a constant brain fog the past few days. I've been so sleepy that I haven't cleaned or exercised all week. But I did watch American Idol. How funny is that? Yesterday, I came home and napped. I set the alarm for 6:50 so I could watch American Idol. I've become quite the avid viewer these past fews week but surprisingly have little preference concerning who wins. I think I reached my limit last night when the pain started to seep away from my body as I lay and sought sleep. Maybe it's true that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I still think I was a poor choice for fibromyalgia but at least I get breaks being the weak kid. Today, things were better. I'm not 100% but I'm so much better than I was. I still don't trust my body. A co-worker told me about a $10 walking wine tour but I fear what trying something like that would do to me right now. I cleaned for 30 minutes but felt my energy wane so I found other ways to be productive and satisfied. I've gotten rid of 3 items since my last stuff reduction note.

Upcoming plans:
- Spend way too much in Memphis over the next 6 weeks. I go this week for a doctor's appointment. I have a training there the second weekend in June, Father's Day is the week after that, and then comes my birthday. I love my Tammy. I love my family. I don't love the drive. I've been so f* up that 5 hour energy isn't even upping me for the 80 min ride.

Umm, that's it for tonight. So much in my heart but so little to actually say.

counting down from 50

One of my friends accepted a challenge to get rid of 50 things a day. There's no way that I can do that, but the boldness of her challenge nonetheless inspired me. I'm downing it a whole lot and working to get rid of 50 items per month or 400 items for the year. Tonight, I start.

Right now, I see that I own 12 + 9+11+ 18+ 17= 67 t-shirts (if you only count the ones that are clean right now and that I consider to be my daytime t-shirts). First round, I put 10 t-shirts and another shirt in a bag for give away (n=11). Two shirts were thrown away (n=13). Twenty t-shirts were pulled and stored in the special spot designated for contributors to my t-shirt quilt. T-shirt quilt here I come! (I've wanted one since before I knew they really existed, since I was in elementary school. I bought the container shortly before I moved to Jackson. It hangs in my closet.) Anywho, that's 20 out of circulation but not -20 on items owned. Eventually, it'll be -19 but that'll be a while from now. That leaves 35 in circulation-- not bad. My initial thought was maybe I will go through my t-shirts, see how many I have and reduce the collection to 30. Why would I need more than a t-shirt a day for a month when I don't even get to wear a t-shirt most days of the week? Yes, I know that most of you call that "excess", "greed", "hoarding". I call it progress. Thirty-two less t-shirts for me to consider wearing. Yeah. Think like that. Wow. Plus, my drawers open and close easier than before. Yes!

Still, it comes back to 13 items gone, 37 to go. damn! This might prove to be more of a challenge than I anticipated. But, it's not my first time arriving at such a place: http://www.43things.com/people/progress/rainbowphoenix/2997623