I've had an issue with jealousy lately. At first, there was basically obsession. Stuff kept running through my mind whether I wanted to think about it or not. Thinking about it did nothing to alter the situation and probably only made life worse for me. After I mentioned that in my blog, I was able to look at the situation and see the root of the repeated thinking. It was stupid. It was an experience, an enjoyment, time to move on. Once I saw, I was finally able to move on. Sleep was peaceful, then I awoke to find jealously comfortably seated in my living room. Okay. We said we'd be jealous of each other's partners as long as one of us was with someone else. Now I'm on the feeling jealousy end of that agreement.
Sometimes, jealousy sits in my living room; other times, I sit in its. Pacing uncomfortably in jealousy's living room, I question why. Jealousy benefits me not. Before we broke up, I suggested things including breaking up so that she could find someone that thrills her as she thrilled me. I think maybe she has. I should rejoice. I don't want to rejoice, because they've been together so briefly that it might be wasted energy but I at least want to be waiting to rejoice, not hanging out with J. Early in our relationship, I told the universe I was thankful for her. Later, I prayed for her happiness. Then, I prayed to keep her. The new situation goes directly against that intention. How do I undue my wish unto the world? How do I give full gratitude for her happiness and pray protection from the lowest low of heartbreak?
Aside from all of that, I ask how this jealousy benefits me and why is it here? I'm not thrilled by the idea of being her girlfriend again, not right now, so why do I care that she's dating someone else? Does this jealously mean that I love her and want to be with her unbeknowst to me? Am I trying to suppress desire and my subconscious is calling my bluff? Do I feel that if I can't have her, no one can? Come on! How is that directed at her good will or praying for her happiness? Is this my punishment for being selfish in years past and asking for something that wasn't mine to request? I knew that even as I asked it but I wanted it so much nonetheless. Have I practiced black magic with my words and jealously my consequence come?
I had hoped that blogging this would enlighten me as blogging sometimes does. It seems, however, that I am leaving this entry with as much understanding as I had at its beginning. I dance with this unwanted emotion and seem to be under a spell such that I can stop neither the movement nor the music driving us on. So here will lie private words and thoughts beyond what I "should" be posting to a public blog.
UPDATE: While laying down after honoring the magical blog, it came to me that I am concerned about maintaining our friendship now that the situation has changed. It's a jealously of time and attn, like children. We had gotten to the point where our friendship was natural. I was no longer following any rules that I had made to help the situation achieve normalcy; it just was. Now, I am concerned about her girl's reaction to me and even her reaction to me-- will I call too much? do i have bad timing?Her giving more to her naturally changes the mathematical equation of time for me, right? Ahhh. Situation understood, but not resolved. And, it's possible that this is only part of the jealously. Life will continue; we shall see.
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