starting again

I'm at a point of change and again beginnings in my life.

Today is day 1 of being back in the control stage of my anti-pain diet. It hasn't been horrific. I've been busy so I haven't had great timing for meals which eliminates options. Less choice, less thinking, just doing. I had tuna and corn chips for dinner, popcorn for a snack, and pop tarts (remove the temptation!) for breakfast. Today is also day 1 of me actually counting points like the Weight Watchers gods want me to do. My goal is 31 per day. I'm probably at around 20 as of dinner. I slumped into WW today after 2 weeks MIA. I knew I had gained weight. I'm +6 since joining 6 weeks ago. Something someone at the meeting said reminded me of why I agreed to try 3 months of Weight Watchers in the first place. I want to feel better. There's a chance that weight loss will increase my energy and decrease my pain. I'm trying the diet from WebMD; why not try this too? I had goals for about 4 of my 6 weeks. Now I'm jumping in with both feet.

Gradually but continuously, I'm feeling that it's about time to move on employment wise. This month, I hope to apply to work at VA Nashville, VA Murpheesboro, and VA Memphis seeking basically the same job at all three locations. I'll be doing what my mom is doing, a job I've wanted since she got it. I'll still be in homeless services, just at a different location. This provides the opportunity for (1) better pay and (2) to finally get out of Memphis. My lease is up in 2 months. With more prior planning, I would probably be working my tail off to leave town instead of applying for such a limited number of positions. Still, I should make arrangements to visit Citizen K because I like her and because I really do want to check out Little Rock. A guy on okcupid told me not to move there but gave me his phone number if I want to know why he says that. I'll probably just stay in a state of mystery.

I'm a photographer. I photographed a wedding over a month ago and have gotten a party gig because of that. The money won't be great but it'll be a paid photography job. I'm siked. I also entered my name to be in an art show. I'm kind of on the waiting list right now but it could happen. I have no idea what I'm going to show. Figuring that out is on the back of my to do list.

Religion has been heavily on my mind since the 4th of July. My parents were having a conversation of the homo bashing kind. I listened to them talk and thought, what if they're right? What if my sexual orientation is a sin and God is displeased? It sent me into an incredibly isolating existence that hasn't completely lifted. It sent me to my on again, semi-off again interest in paganism, something that hits high on my beliefnet religion test and is a religion that fully accepts me. But I don't think I desire conversion. Even if I "become" a pagan, I'll still hold Christian beliefs dear and well, be a Christian. What I really desire is community. The Stone is semi-defunked. It might resurface in the next week or three but I've emotionally disconnected from that group, though not the people. I've attended nearly every open and affirming church in this city but not felt grabbed at any of them. I'm just sitting.... Maybe I'll attend the lgbt christian group at the gay and lesbian community center this week. I'm barely hanging on to....

So here's to new beginnings, a restarting of the old. Here's to higher and farther, onward, upward, excelling. Here's to me. Whole, full, wonderful me.

nashville trip

Nashville was good. It would have been better if we had gone up the day before but we ended up with about 3 hours at the museum. Cindi called us for dinner so we all ate at a Chinese buffet at her house. 7:30pm we headed home. We got home safely. Thank God. Saturday, I slept 15 hours to kind of recover. Good night, ya'll.

abandoned

Right now, I'm sad. Many months ago, Cindi and I went to the Adventure Science Center in Nashville. I had a BLAST. My instant reaction was, "I have to bring the kids". I sent an e-mail to my mom and sister listing the activities I wanted to do with the kids (i.e., my sister's children) while they were in town. My sister grabbed hold of this science museum and wanted to go too. Fine. Instead of going up on a Thursday and staying with Cindi like planned, I'd drive up on a Friday and make it all a one day trip. They're be 2-3 drivers so it'd be fine. Then my cousin wanted to go so it'd be a second car but 3-5 drivers so okay. My cousin dropped out a week ago. Okay, fine, plans continued with my sister. She signed up for a class that means she'll get to Memphis a day later than originally planned. Therefore, she'll meet us in Nashville. That makes me the only driver but okay, we'll be in it together (actually, there'd be 3 drivers between 2 cars). A wrench was thrown into it all due to a family activity locally. I gave my sister control over how that was handled because she had so far to drive already. I didn't think she'd be up for driving from NC, stopping at a science museum, then coming to Memphis for an event. She agreed (without me sharing my opinion). Tonight (Wednesday), she tells me she's not going to meet us in Nashville at the science museum after all. Great. I've rearranged my schedule and plan for the kids based on her desire to go to this museum and now she's backing out AND going to the family event making me look like the selfish one for not working it all out in my schedule. Thanks, Sis. The cherry on top? Cindi backed out too. As of a few days ago even, she was going to meet us at the museum and play. Now, she's only coming if they have a new exhibit she wants to see. I'm all alone. Me and the kids. Me and fibromyalgia. Me and my car that keeps cutting off. Me.

I'm frustrated with my life at large; this is just one more piece interplaying with all of the other bullshit, tiring, frustrating pieces.

is it me?

Friday, I became quite self-reflective. Maybe it's me. That's something I've been saying for years as I work with people and end up with a result other than what I expected. Usually, observers and people that hear my tale say, "no, it's not you". This week, there were 3 events that again made me ask, "Maybe it's me. Maybe my perspective is warped and I make excuses for my short-comings and more is my fault than I acknowledge."

Event 1- The big boss met with me and told me she's giving the program directors a raise but was thinking of giving me a 90 day trail period before giving me a raise to see if she'll see improvement in 2 areas. Issue 1- my knowledge of the budget. Issue 2- I've told her I need to check with my house manager too many times. Issue 1- I don't think that's my fault, or is it me? My previous boss did not give me access to my budget. I would ask; it was never granted. Both bosses have promised that I will get quarterly reports of what's going on with my budget. They have yet to deliver on that promise in the last 2 years of making it-- but it's my fault that I don't know what's going on with my budget? I request information directly from accounting. I may or may not get it. I have never been trained in regards to the budget despite requesting it in writing on my previous 2 evaluations-- but it's my fault? If Carolyn had decided not to give me a raise on this basis, I would have been hurt and irate and protested. I'm requesting information from everyone relevant and not getting it but I need to be more aggressive in obtaining information regarding my budget? What do you want me to do? Threaten to bomb the administrative building? I've asked in e-mail, I've asked in person, I've e-mailed and called to follow up on requests-- WTF? I think my superiors need to step up and support me in these efforts and I told my big boss that in a nicer way. I ask; what's she going to do to make sure they deliver? How about holding up her part and her word?

Issue 2- I asked for an example but she couldn't give me one. I can't speak to that observation without knowing what's she talking about. Since the House Manager is in charge of the building, I would guess that I've said I would check with her when asked about building repairs. I can stop responding that way. Basically, I'll just be providing less than updated information. I don't have a problem with that if that'll make her think I'm doing a better job of managing my program. I follow up on maintenance issues; I just know that the answer I give her 3 days after I last checked is not the most up to date information. Plus, I view this as me doing my job and letting Sherry do hers. I view myself as an overseer. I check in, I move on. I prefer that people go to Sherry on things in her domain and don't fully understand why that's wrong. To me, it's pretense. Sherry is in charge of the building; ask her, not me. But I will comply. Also, I think this complaint feeds into other people not doing their jobs. There are a number of repairs that I've been trying to get done since April. Some things, we can book. Other things are to booked through the maintenance office. They keep giving me the run away but what are my supervisors doing to help me with that? I've reported to them what's going on. I call maintenance. I e-mail them. I copy the e-mails to my boss. I send additional e-mails to my boss and have verbal conversations with her about what's going on. I've pointed out when they have given me false information. What else am I to do? I don't have administrative support on my issues but I get a bunch of shit about things not going right. Well, yeah... but maybe it's me. Maybe I really am falling short and not doing enough but I need more than "do better" to have that change. I am doing everything that I can see to do to get things done but I don't have the power to move people more powerful than i am.

It's funny how having my old boss recently would have been helpful. As intrusive, overbearing, and short-sighted I sometimes found her, she would have had my back on many of these things and made sure things happened.

Event 2- My car stopped at a busy intersection Friday afternoon. A cop pulled up behind my car shortly after I left to walk to AutoZone to get something that I thought would help my car start. I had this issue 3 weeks before and Lucas fuel injection (or something) + gas got me moving again. I saw the cop and tried to signal to him that I was the one with the broken car and was headed to autozone to address the issue. I couldn't secure eye contact with him in his vehicle and he never got out. I continued with my plan. When I returned from AutoZone, I poured some Lucas in my tank and gave a thank you hand motion to the cop when I returned. I tried to crank my car and true to the AutoZone workers' prediction, it didn't work without the gas. The cop came up to my window to ask what was going on. I explained. He told me I didn't need to get any gas because I had just gotten gas on Wednesday, that I had to call a tow truck or he would. I again explained that this had happened before and Lucas + gas made it work and that the AutoZone worker told me it wouldn't be effective unless I added gas. I pointed to a Circle K and said I just needed to get down there to get some gas and my car should work. He refused to let me get some gas. In the end, we waited about 90 minutes for a tow truck. The tow truck took me to the gas station, I added gas and my car worked fine. As$hole. If he had listened, we wouldn't have had to sit in traffic all that time with my broken car. But was I in the wrong there? The cop assumed that because I saw him, I should have walked over to his car instead of continuing to AutoZone. I saw him and assumed he was there to help, sitting behind me with his lights to better ensure that no one hit me and also making it easier for people to know to go around from afar. We were working under 2 different assumptions. I can acknowledge that and understand the confusion that can cause. Still, I think I could have listened to my explanation of what I thought was going on without writing me off as a disrespectful jerk for not mosing back through traffic to talk to him once I saw that he pulled up. A cop had just driven by me and I wondered if s/he would turn around and help since they saw I was stuck in traffic. I didn't ask Officer Watts if he was that cop but that officer sits at the beginning of my assumption that a police officer was there to help and not to tell me I was inconveniencing traffic by breaking down there. My bad. Let me pick a better place to stop next time. WTF?

Event 3- My mom and I were at the playhouse debating if we wanted to get season tickets that night. She told me she had to make a phone call and walked out. I thought she was coming back. She didn't. I questioned my interpretation of the situation. Talking to her later,she did intend to come back when she left but got caught up in other people leaving and just went on. I don't think my interpretation was off in that because I correctly inputed her intention; she just changed her mind.

So what do you think? Is it me? Do I just make excuses to make myself the innocent in situations or have I repeatedly been handed a bad deal? If my view of the world is this far off from everyone else's, I need to change my viewing lens or else I'll have a tough, confused life.

on break

There are many thoughts in my head to blog. However, I have tendinitis and should refrain from typing things, esp with my right hand. Ciao. Just feeling the thrill of being here again.

King and Me

Bookclub's latest book is Confessions of a Failed Southern Woman by Florence King. I enjoyed it. Parts are quite funny, much is reflective, part reminds me of Cindi. King wrote:
I did not understand how a woman so detached and blasé could be so
electrifying in bed. When we made love, she turned into a taunt, quivering
wire of sensation, but the rest of the time she was like a evanescent lamp
of antiquity flicking somewhere beyond my reach. She eluded all my efforts
to analyze her and remained an enigma, but I was too blinded by love and
need to consider the possibility that there might have been something wrong
with her. My only thought was to arrange things so that we could be together
always.

The first time I knew that Cindi didn't love me, I wondered how she could be so sweet with her caresses and passionate with her kisses but not be in love. From then on, there were times when I looked in those compelling eyes and felt like I was staring at a lie. One time, she wanted to get frisky and I felt like I was in a stupid situation. She won. I did my best not to connect with her. I didn't want to make eye contact; I didn't want our bodies to connect. She wanted to be frisky; I could fuck. But she saw it. I don't know how deeply she saw it but she made me come close; she made me do those intimate things I didn't want to do like make eye contact. But she did them all of the time. Effortlessly. “Electrifying in bed...but... a evanescent lamp of antiquity flickering somewhere beyond my reach.”

A few days ago, I realized that I will be 28 in less than a month. Suddenly, the thought came to me, “I need to find a fiance”. Then I thought about what a waste of time my last relationship was: 2 years when it's time to get serious. I'm not sure where the fiance thought came from. I think it was a subconscious stuffing from childhood. Age 18: finish high school. Start college. It's okay to date some if I want. Age 21: Finish college. Go to grad school. I can date the person I'll marry if I want, except location might be an issue because I probably won't go to school the same place I'll want to live and that person might be from somewhere else and want to live there. Age 23: Finish grad school. Age 25: Be in a serious relationship. Get engaged somewhere ages 28-30. Be engaged for about 2 years (so by 28!). It's about fucking marrying time, ya'll. I hadn't thought about that timeline in years then all of a sudden it hit me. Where's my life partner? The person I fell in love with and was willing to marry could not emotionally commit to me. Now I have to start from scratch. Where do I even find that date? * sigh * Then I think about those 26 months of blind commitment and wonder (1) why I stayed so long and (2) when should I have gotten out (i.e., was it a waste of time)?

Why I stayed so long:
1.She gave me hope that it would work.
2.I thought I was dealing with the aftermath of her last relationship, that it would take time.
3.She wanted to take it slower. She had a plan about how we'd spend more time together to see how that went. She wanted to spend more time together to make sure she felt that way deeply about me.
4.She said she loved me more than she used to. It gave me hope that we could work.
5.I thought family was part of the issue
6.I realized she was being asked to give up a lot by being with me, particularly in Memphis
7.I loved her.

In sum, I kept believing her. I ended it once I realized it was all bull. I stopped believing in that hope.

Was it a waste of time?

I'm not sure. Part of me feels like it should have ended when I was willing to move to Nashville but she told me she wasn't ready for that move. SHE CHANGED BACK TO ENCOURAGING ME TO MOVE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER TELLING ME NOT TO. Wtf? But it made me feel loved and needed again and fueled the illusion of us being in love.

1. I experienced really good sex. That in itself makes me say it wasn't a complete waste, but I'm not convinced I shouldn't have given that up sooner.

2. The relationship took me out of my comfort box in a lot of ways. If I hadn't fallen in love, some of those experiences wouldn't have been had. But 2 years?

3. She encouraged my creativity. I was a writer when I was a kid. I miss being a writer. I really, really miss it, like I should have given it a funeral one day because it used to mean so much. Cindi makes me think about what I can do with the photograph. It's good to look at parts of life with a creative brain. I credit her for that.

4. Karma. I was J. and she was me. I cannot be upset with her for this experience because I understand wanting to love someone because they are good but simply not loving them. Plus, if karma exists then I deserved this even though I meant no harm. I had the sense and compassion to cut off J after 6 months. Too bad she never saw where this was going and stopped it before so much time elapsed and feelings grew even deeper. If they're deeper. I really think I fell fast and hard. What was just was.

5. I met kool people through her. I don't know that I'll be friends with any of them 5 years from now as we're connected through her but I did have good nights with people I otherwise would not have met.

6. I would not have been as confident in the decision if I had made it anytime other than when I had. I guess some part of me just needed that amount of time before it could say, “okay. Enough.” Now that I have been there, I hope that I never have to go through it again. If this is my one broken heart, then yes, I can say it was worth it. If lessons were learned from this than can shield me from distractions later, fine. In that sense, I guess I've always been looking for my life partner. Here's to hoping I find him or her in the next 25 months.

The end of my reading effects me much like the end of my relationship. I liked King's writing so much that I thought I'd look her up and find something else to read. Uncommon for me, I turned to facebook and found a fan page that references a wikipedia article that describes her as a “traditionalist conservative”. That broke my heart. I cannot put feminist, lesbian/bisexual, and Republican in the same sentence. I feel betrayed. I related to King in so many ways. I found her funny and grabbing. A fucking conservative? Really!? Ugh. This is what I want to discuss at Monday's book club meeting. This is what is most interesting. How can you be a lesbian from the 50s upholding tradition? * sigh * Tradition, I feel, is part of my problem.

Breathing, I can agree that conservatives and I disagree on many things beyond women's rights and gay rights. I guess King and I can diverge in those areas too. I'm still disappointed that this woman can experience discrimination on one hand and be republican on the other. * sigh *

red bug diagnosis continued

I've got the same problem as you...found out they're called Potato Aphids...and can be pretty destructive in high numbers.

Apparently Thyme oil and Pyrethrins are the most effective organic treatments.

Response 2: Nicole,

You need lady bugs. The lady bug larvae will devour the aphids. I don't know exactly where you would find lady bugs in Norman, but here in southern Oklahoma, as well as in the Dallas-Fort Worth area where I lived before moving here, most nurseries have them in the spring and summer, and some of the large home improvement stores have them as well. You also can order them on line.

Lady bugs will take a few weeks to eat up the aphids, but once you have an established lady bug population, they will take care of the aphids for you forever.

After you release the adult lady bugs (which also eat the aphids), they will reproduce and the larvae will look like little alligator-type critters. The larvae will eat aphids till there are no aphids left. Lady bugs are the least toxic aphid solution.

Good luck,

Dawn

from http://forums.gardenweb.com/forums/load/tompests/msg0612274418951.html


Okay, more information will help confirm this. Do you see really small white things on the plant? If you do they should be immature aphids and will confirm this diagnosis. Best bet is to take one and get a microscope on it to see what it looks like or a high powered magnifying glass.

There are so many different types of aphids it is boggling really. Some I saw with really long legs and distinct colors where others look like little green globs that have no distinct legs at all even when rather large.

from http://www.gardenstew.com/about18976.html

sorry! i have to collect this information somewhere and here seems like a good place not to lose it.