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Thursday, February 16, 2012

God's love reigned down

Monday morning, I was talking to God about how Christianity doesn't want me and I'm ready to walk away. Before, I was listening to a Joyce Meyers podcast. I don't quite remember what she was talking about, but I do remember thinking that when God is preparing to take you to another level, things get worse (the idea of Satan trying to interrupt). I told God, as I often do, that I could not be Job as I can barely handle what I have. I told him that pursuing any type of lgbt-affirming ministry would be like me taking on the 500,000 (as I'm not the only one vocalizing such beliefs). I told him that I am not that little boy with a sling shot. I told God that if the people are wrong and He doesn't hate me, then He'll have to loudly say such because the others are VERY LOUD AND VOCAL. I finished washing my face and saw I missed a text message from my sister:

"My quiet time this morning has consistently been about false witness. If you are dealing with this today, remember that God is your salvation and will avenge you."

I checked with her for a definition. False witness=liars. Did God really use my sister to tell me that the this group of people, of whom she is a part, is a group of liars?! How ironic! But God is capable of all things. I acknowledged this "sign" or whatnot but told him the hate is so strong, he'll have to send so much more to convince me to stay the course. I cried. I realized I was crying because of the young one that I know that is/will walk the same road. If I could only protect her from all the hate.... Oh to keep her from the criticism and masses trying to convince her that God does not love her for ALL that she is....

Today, I ended up in a conversation with a colleague of sorts on the same topic. She said "God loves you" and all kinds of things that need to be heard. She suggested the separation of religion and God 'cause it's not God that has failed, harmed, or insulted me. Speaking to her, the truth came out: "I miss community". She does too. Leaving Christianity won't protect my young one. Even if I was inclined to pull her from it too, what could would that do. Do we not have the right to practice and experience God of our understanding too?

So, I admit it. Either God is doing its part to make sure I know I'm loved or I want that to be true bad enough that I interpret life as such. Nonetheless, I'm still not gung-ho about my faith as it is. It would be so much easier to believe in something else or nothing at all. How sad for one to even form that thought....

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