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Friday, January 20, 2012

today's pain

Today is not a day that I am proud of. An ever-present challenge/goal of mine is to not allow fibromyalgia interfere with my commitments to my clients. Well, that's a hard thing to keep when one can't walk. I hate when this happens! I feel so cripple and limited. I was supposed to take someone to the Dollar General at 9:30am. I promise I got up to honor that commitment but I can't get there. If it doesn't happen today, we can't do it next week because of his schedule. I don't know how to accelerate my healing. I did an epson salt and baking soda soak last night. Tramaddol really does nothing for me. I can add tylenol, muscle relaxers, trauma oil or bengay but the risk of being too sleepy or drugged to drive comes into play the more of that stuff I take.

Last night, I cried in bed because of the pain. One lady in my Mphs chronic support pain group used music to soothe her when things were especially bad. I tried to groove to Goddess and She but that did nothing for the pain. Eventually, I focused on my belly and gratitude for it not hurting. I expressed gratitude for fat as every muscle some joints from ankle to shoulder seemed to be in pain. And I had already taken trammadol before bed. I consented to taking tylenol because I knew the pain wasn't going anywhere with the way it was. Then I woke up every 2 hours throughout the night.

This morning, I questioned if I would be able to walk for the 3rd time in a week due to the pain I felt when I first got out of bed. This time, unlike the others, I couldn't walk to the living room to get to the trammadol. It took me 45-60 to get from my bedroom to my living room, with a detour to the kitchen for water and food. It hurts to stand but I can do it. Walking elevates the pain and I can't take it. Does that make me a punk? I feel like such a quitter when I have to throw in the towel and admit defeat. I'll probably spend much of the day in bed or on the coach doing things I can do from one location but the _UCKING PAIN. I can't get rid of it and it keeps bringing me to tears. When I called in to work (3 ppl), everyone thought I sounded sick. That's the effing pain, maine. i'm not coughing. My nose has been bleeding for 2 weeks but I don't have the sick leave to see a doctor. blah. I tried going to the Little Clinic (Kroger) in Mphs but they wouldn't see me bc of my symptoms. darn. There's an after hours clinic here too. I need to get info on how to be seen there. Today's illness symptoms is cutting into the vacation time I'm trying to save for CA. If I only had a wheelchair....

I'm so sleepy.........................

EDIT I regained the ability to walk short distances around 4 o'clock. Now the disordered day is being topped with a migraine. Again, computer light is especially troubling. My screen is dimmed as low as it can go. However, the nausea is increasing again so goodbye.

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