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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

forced to choose, thoughts I

I've been thinking about Tilley and Memphis more than I'd like in terms of making a choice. I find myself thinking about how much I like them and why. I ponder things done/characteristics of which I'm not so fond. And then I compare. I want to date Tilley and let that relationship be. I want to do the same with Memphis. Being asked to choose leads my brain to compare but I'm not consciously sure that there is a reason to compare, if not being forced to choose. So then I drift back to tunnel vision-- Tilley tunnel, Memphis tunnel. From there, my mind drifts to my must have's/can't stand list that I made in livejournal. Previously, I kept telling myself not to look until I made the 30 day mark with both. Tonight, I look anyway as I question whether the drama is worth the gym. The list (1/2):

Must have's

Christian is a perk, though I admittedly have a warm spot in my heart for pagans & earthy people (take care of the earth & of each other). Being connected to some spiritual body is a plus; I want to know that the person is spiritual without them having to ask them, "Are you spiritual and/or religious?" and waiting for their answer. I want the person to be able to support me in my spirituality, even if our paths don't merge.

Social justice oriented
As of the writing of this, my myspace profile says something like, "I like people who give a shit about something beyond their own nose." Yeah. What I especially can't stand are people that don't understand why I have an issue with something like shopping at Wal-Mart and are disrespectful, snobby, and mocking with my choice to avoid shopping there. Of course, I don't want to be with someone who (figuratively) beats me up when I do shop at Wal-Mart. Progress, not perfection. 2011 edit: Social justice oriented doesn't seem like an appropriate title for this. I'm pretty lazy these days but I do think about things like buying fair trade coffee. I don't want to fall into total laziness and don't give a f_ckness so I want to be with someone that helps me not fall into the abyss.

Family friendly
I adore my nieces and nephews. I am close to most all of my relatives (well, family in the general sense). I need someone who's into that. It would be nice if they have a family that they get along with, people to extend my network of relatives in the long range, people for them to talk about. Short-term, I need them to not be annoyed when I talk about my peeps b/c they are my peeps. I need them to not be bothered by how close my family and I are. I am independent, but I am connected.


Willing to let me know them
A relationship cannot last on fluff alone. I want to feel connected to their soul, feel like it has somehow been shared/shown to me. I want to know what they like to do, something besides make me happy, and I want to know why they're troubled when they reach that point. I want someone who will let me in without me begging to be there.

Honesty & Trust
Doesn't this go without saying? I must be able to trust my partner.
I also need them to trust me.

Physical Touch
I have this thing, "If you don't want to touch me, then why do you want to date me?" I'm not talking about sex; I'm just a touch-feely person when it gets down to it. Withholding touch is a good way to make me feel not loved.

Disease Talk

Do you ask your dates to get a HIV test? When's the last time you got one? It amazes me how opposed some people are to getting tested. I'm not gonna marry you without a test. I'm sure as hell not going to have sex with you.

I'm not into, "We went on a date on Friday. We are monogamous, committed lovers on Monday." However, I can't see forever spending my life with someone who always wants the freedom to date (and fuck) other people. Eventually, it has to be decided that we will be together or we can move on.

More flexible/spontaneous than I
Too much so and we wouldn't work but there's that other kind that is perfect for keeping me from getting too bogged down into a funk of having to do so and so and always having a plan. My "J" has weakened over the years and I like that.

Able to view things from various perspectives, not stuck on just their view

Not sure if this is a must have or a would be really nice if

Set goals and actively work to progress toward the goal(s)

Have decent credit or at least be working towards repairing his or her credit.

I want to see a credit report before marriage. How I Met Your Mother Inspired that extra. lol.

Financial Stability, Financial Vision

I want to be with someone that can agree to some common financial goals and work with me to accomplish those goals. I need to be with someone that can and does save. I need them to think about their spending but not be so anal that they don't spend and don't want me to spend. I want to save enough to cover 4-6 months (preferably 6) of our expenses should we both lose our income. I want to have a money market account someday, assuming it pays more in interest than the standard savings account. I want to be with someone that can get a credit card but does not aim to rack up debt, someone that can get that item on credit but can suck it up and save to buy it with cash when 0% interest is not an option. I want to be with someone that can flow here with me. I need to be with someone that can calm my money anxious center that needs a storehouse to feel secure.

Umm. What an interesting list to read. Funny how much what I want hasn't changed much over the past 5 years or so. Some items are more important at times and less important at others, but the above are definitely good traits for my match even if not a "must". Reading this and thinking about my current dates makes me nervous, nervous, nervous. Almost 100% but not quite there. What does that mean???

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