another break up

* Full entry posted in livejournal. Sometimes, I just feel weird about all public content. Also feel weird about going to LJ as a primary posting spot. *

My heart aches, even as I know I asked her to leave.  I knew that change would be difficult, be sad, but I didn’t expect it to be so numbing. Words from loved ones have been reassuring but also a little embarrassing. I gave her a lot of time and patience because she asked me to. She said things would get better. She would change. She never had anyone to teach her before and she wanted to learn.  Now I question if it was largely a game to see how advantageous I could be for how long. 

I’ve come to a point where I think over relationships and question what things I can learn. I think I’m getting old, like my next serious relationship has to be the one or it’s over. Hahahahahahaha, right? Anyhow, lessons learned include:

11.       If you hear someone trying to borrow money from someone on your first date, run. Avoiding overhearing this early in the relationship is probably best.

22.      If you finding yourself saying, “our values are different” early on, walk away. Striving to find common ground or reasoning that the differences aren’t really that important isn’t worth it. One thing said to me (by a human) during the period when God was reassuring me left & right that she wasn’t the one is that you can stay with someone whose values are different for a year, but not for 5 years. We almost hit a year when I knew beyond doubt that we weren’t going to work. 

44.       I may need to be tougher on the financial requirements. Not sure how that would look. My current stance is I’m looking for a mate that can pay his or her bills, take care of his/her needs, and have $30 left each month to take me on a date. I think it’s pretty simple but multiple suitors have struck out on this requirement. So maybe I just need to do a better job of checking this requirement.

55.       There are some people with whom I instantly click. Our first conversation can easily be two, engaging hours. If this doesn’t happen with my date, two dates max should be allowed. I suspect the one I can spend forever with will be such a person. I don’t think it’ll be someone I have to get used to and get to know. I think they’ll intrigue me from the start. Maybe I’m intrigued because they’re a Gemini and not because we’re meant to be together but intrigue is a good start.

76.       People aren’t logical and methodical. Trying to end a relationship but be friendly is a challenge that usually isn’t accomplished in my experience. I do wonder if this is more problematic with black women than white women but even my friendship with Cindi ended over time.  I need to move forward with awareness that most people are going to act on emotion instead of logic so me trying to be reasonable, kind, and patient may not really be the best method since it’s not a solo project or experience. 

I don’t really regret letting her move in. I can see why some ppl might think I would or should but I don’t. I don’t know if it’s because I felt sincerely loved or because of some experience we had together. Maybe I just loved the frustrations—lol- but I doubt that. It could be because of the extent to which I opened myself up for this relationship. Maybe I needed to do that. I don’t regret August 2012 (move in). May 2012 (first date) maybe because using my “lessons learned” back then wouldn’t have allowed us to advance to this level. June & July 2013 maybe because I’d allowed some things to go on longer than kindness requires at that point. In retrospect, I realize that I didn’t help her by allowing her not to own up to some of her responsibilities. I question how much damage I did to myself by allowing it but know that no long term damage was sustained (I don’t think). I was more generous than I had to be and I’m grateful to myself for being that loving. Love in vein but loving nonetheless. 

I’m beginning to forgive. When I think about the essence of lying and the potential abyss of things I don’t know, disease grows. But when looking only at what is seen, I am okay. She packed and left without informing me she was going to move at that time. But she didn’t steal my stuff. She didn’t destroy anything. Thus far, to my knowledge, she hasn’t done anything strange online. All of these things can change but for now, nothing unforgiveable has occurred. Love, Peace.

the beginning of the study exercises

Tonight was my first night preparing for the LCSW exam... or my 2nd. You saw those posts. To get started, I thought I'd take a practice test to get a feel for what kind of questions I may see. Not too bad for someone that feels totally ill-prepared for what I am embarking upon. I took almost no clinical classes but soon I will be licensed as such. My prep wasn't formal or timed but I did make it through 33 practice questions. I decided to stop there so I could read the answers while the questions and my reasonings were fresh in my mind. 22/33 correct (66.7%). Of those missed:
6 were diagnostic/definitions-- not surprising as I know I don't know that stuff. That's why I've selected the DSM as my main study text. I'm debating on rather or not I want to reread my abnormal psychology book. Plus: it'll be simpler to read than the DSM. Con: it will have the same basic information as the DSM; perhaps I should spend my time elsewhere to get more varied information. Maybe I should read both but not read about the same topic in both books. For example, study personality disorders in the DSM but psychotic disorders in the abnormal psych book.
2 were general questions about the DSM, such as how it is organized.
1 was a question about medication. The question looked at the class of medication. When I read the explanation and saw what was listed as examples, I knew the right answer.
1 was an example of me being tricked by the wording. Part of what I hope to learn from practice tests is to be a careful reader and not get tricked out of correctly answering things I know. One missed. I focused on the wrong part of the question and probably answered a different question correctly (i.e., the one I was answering when marking my response). 
1 I classify as other/unknown. I still don't know what it's talking about.

The practice test has 150 questions. Seems like I'll be doing a cold practice for a while before really getting into the studying. Current status: assessing where I am and gleaning what type of materials need to be studied. Note to self: Read the NASW ethics book before taking this test. 

Any ideas of how I can exercise while sitting and studying? lol

Namaste.    

getting my game head on

more tips....

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Tips for Passing

I passed the exam on 4/16/08 on my first try. I have never studied so hard for an exam in my entire life. Luckily, it paid off! Following are the best tips I can offer to help you pass...

[1] Know yourself and how you study best.
I am a procrastinator by nature, and never wrote a college or graduate school paper until two days before it was due, no matter how far in advance I knew about the assignment. I purposefully scheduled my licensure exam to take place one week after I scheduled it. I scheduled the exam on a Friday for the following week. I knew that if I had done it any other way I would not have taken the time to study until the last minute. Be honest with yourself about your study habits. I've been out of school for several years, but remember well typing papers well into the morning.

[2] Use study guides.
I did not take the licensure exam prep class, but I know several people who did, and who were very nice in sharing the workbook that came with the class. This workbook is the veritable bible of the licensure exam. It has everything you need to know for the exam, plus practice tests. I know several people who have found the prep course helpful. Use case study books, the DSM, NASW Code of Ethics, CBT manuals, etc. These are your study guides. The exam will measure your knowledge of this material and your ability to apply it to brief case studies.

[3] Take several practice exams.
This was helpful to me for many reasons. First, it familiarized me with the type and format of questions that could appear on the actual exam. I have severe test anxiety, and knowing what to expect was very helpful.
Another purpose it served was to help me see in which areas I needed to focus more.

[4] Make flash cards.
I have never in my life done this before, but it helped!!! I made the cards while taking the practice exams. Whenever I would get an answer wrong, I would make a flash card out of it. These were a great review the morning of the exam.

[5] Know what to do FIRST/NEXT.
Knowing what to do FIRST or NEXT will make the difference in passing the exam.

[6] Read the question.
Slowly and carefully. Know what the question is asking. Pay attention to the first and last sentences in the case study; often the answer is within those two sentences. Look at the answers carefully. The answer is most likely within the question or case study. Look for similar wording. This could also be the difference in passing the exam.

[7] BREATHE.
As you will hear countless people tell you, this exam does not measure how good of a social worker you are. It also does not measure what you might actually do in practice.

starting to think about what i need to know

From http://lcsw.blogspot.com/2008/03/5-tips-for-passing-exam.html

5 tips for passing the exam

Reaching the point of taking the LCSW exam is a mixed blessing at best. It means that you have met the requisite hours of practice and supervision, which is a testament to your tenacity and clinical abilities. It also means that a new chapter of studying and anxiety is opened as you prepare to add four new letters behind your name and take a timed test that covers a broad range of topics.
From time to time I will receive emails from people who are preparing to take the exam or who have taken it and not passed. Inevitably, these emails include some request for advice about how to study or prepare for the exam. So, I thought I would cull the advice I have given over the past year or two into one post.
I am not doing this so that you will no longer email me. I do the best I can to respond to each one that I receive. I also know that I will not cover every anxiety or frustration with one post, but for those who like lists and things in a neat little package here are my tips for passing the exam.

1. Think about the way you study best and do that more often. There are a myriad of materials out there to help you prepare for the exams. These range from practice exams to study guides to study guides with practice exams, etc. Most, if not all, of these guides are dry as a bone and merely regurgitate the material you need to know to pass the exam. They have their formulas for getting the material across to you. However, they do not know you best, you do. So, take the materials you choose to study and adapt them to the ways in which you learn. For me, this blog is the result of the way I learn. I needed to re-write the material I was studying in my own words in order to really get a grasp on it. Instead of a pen and paper I took to my laptop and wrote a series of notes that became my study guide. All of the posts on this blog concerning the theories and methods were the result of my homemade study guide. So, think about the ways you learn: flashcards, quizzes, study groups, putting things in your own words, etc. and adapt the study guides to your taste not vice versa.
2. The exam doesn't care how you practice social work. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn and it took me a while to really grasp its meaning. My impression of the exam is that it does not measure real world application of Social Work principles and guidelines; instead, it measures "ideal" (read textbook) applications of these principles. One of the helpful things I took into the exam was a sense that I needed to reframe the questions so that my answers reflected not what I would do first but what "the book" would do first. Therefore, when I encountered a "what would you do first" question I could usually eliminate two of the responses right off the bat. Then I would generally choose the more conservative response from the remaining choices. This may not work for all of these questions but it helped me get into a frame of mind that had me answering questions as the book would want me to answer them rather than the way I think the questions should be answered.
3. The exam measures your ability to remember data. This is not an exam that measures the efficacy of your practice or your ability to help people in a way that empowers them. This exam measures your skills at memorization. Now, I realize this is a fairly cynical view of a standardized test. However, I cannot think of another way to put it. The national exam was created as a method to take the subjectivity of licensure committees out of the process and have an "objective" tool that measures knowledge of social work practice and principles. If you don't pass the first time around, it says absolutely nothing about how good a social worker you are. The only thing a failing score reveals is that you might need more time memorizing the material and putting it to use the way the test wants you to.
   
4. The exam is not always "right." The earlier you give up fighting the questions and their "right" answers, the earlier you can get on with studying the material as needed. I remember studying for the exam and talking with my supervisor about some of the questions and answers. He and I would read some of the questions and talk about how we would answer them given the choices on the test. In each one of these Q&A sessions there would be one or two questions that we would agree on that the test would count as wrong. He had his doctorate in social work and was a successful private practitioner for many years and he still couldn't always get the right answers according to the test. You have to remember that the correct answer for the test may not be your way of answering the question, but it is still the correct answer. Unfortunately, you will not get very far by arguing with the computer over which "answer" you should perform first in a particular situation. Instead, study for the purpose of the exam and remember that the real world is a lot messier than answer A, B, C, or D.
   
5. You have already passed. Remember that the exam is merely the culmination of a long road of clinical practice and supervision. To get to this point in your career you have most likely been through 100 hours of supervision and thousands of hours of clinical practice. Your supervisor has signed off on your capabilities as a social work practitioner. People have come to you for therapeutic help and returned again and again because they believe you can help them. All in all, to get to the point where you can even take the test requires the implicit and explicit approval of a number of people in your life. They know you are a good social worker, regardless of the outcome of your exam. The LCSW exam does not prove that you are a good social worker, that you care about the self-determination of others, or that you stand for justice and provide a voice for the voiceless. Clients wouldn't return if you were a bad social worker, supervisors wouldn't sign the necessary forms if you weren't a good clinician. The fact of the matter is that you have a crowd of people who know that you are ready to take the exam and approve of your doing so. In essence, you have already passed the difficult part; the exam is more a formality than a gate-keeper.

So, there you have it. These five tips helped me put the exam in what I felt was the proper perspective. To be sure, I studied hard and often. However, I was not about to let the exam dictate how I felt about my abilities to practice as a clinical social worker. I merely thought of it as one more step on an already long and most completed journey, a step that affirmed what I already knew from experience. Namely, that I was a good social worker and that I could practice effectively, ethically and compassionately.

Peace

small accomplishment

My to do list for Thur-Sun had 35 items on it. I completed 19 items and made headway on another 3. For me, 22 tasks + a trip to Memphis + a night out=hella impressive & productive for me. With lots of sleep to boot. Not sure how it all happened but glad to have gotten so much done. Sadly, blogging is not one of the things accomplished. Nonetheless, know you are in my thoughts.

fibro cue in the hands?

The sample for this study was tiny but it doesn't stop the discovery from being fascinating. I hope someone works fast to attempt replication with a larger sample size. 

Fibromyalgia Mystery Finally Solved!

Researchers Find Main Source of Pain in Blood Vessels

Added by Rebecca Savastio on June 20, 2013.
Saved under Health, Rebecca Savastio, U.S.
Tags: top

Researchers have found the main source of pain in Fibromyalgia patients, and contrary to what many believe, it does not stem from the brain. The findings mark the end of a decades-old mystery about the disease, which many doctors believed was conjured in patients’ imaginations. The mystery of Fibromyalgia has left millions of sufferers searching for hope in pain medications. Up until recently, many physicians thought that the disease was “imaginary” or psychological, but scientists have now revealed that the main source of pain stems from a most unlikely place- excess blood vessels in the hand.
The discovery may lead to new treatments and perhaps even a total cure in the future, bringing relief to as many as 5 million Americans thought to have the disease. To solve the Fibromyalgia mystery, researchers zeroed in on the skin from the hand of one patient who had a lack of the sensory nerve fibers, causing a reduced reaction to pain. They then took skin samples from the hands of Fibromyalgia patients and were surprised to find an extremely excessive amount of a particular type of nerve fiber called arteriole-venule (AV) shunts.
Up until this point scientists had thought that these fibers were only responsible for regulating blood flow, and did not play any role in pain sensation, but now they’ve discovered that there is a direct link between these nerves and the widespread body pain that Fibromyalgia sufferers feel.
The breakthrough also could solve the lingering question of why many sufferers have extremely painful hands as well as other “tender points” throughout the body, and why cold weather seems to aggravate the symptoms. In addition to feeling widespread deep tissue pain, many Fibromyalgia patients also suffer from debilitating fatigue.
Neuroscientist Dr. Frank L. Rice explained: “We previously thought that these nerve endings were only involved in regulating blood flow at a subconscious level, yet here we had evidences that the blood vessel endings could also contribute to our conscious sense of touch… and also pain,” Rice said. “This mismanaged blood flow could be the source of muscular pain and achiness, and the sense of fatigue which are thought to be due to a build-up of lactic acid and low levels of inflammation fibromyalgia patients. This, in turn, could contribute to the hyperactivity in the brain.”
Current treatments for the disease have not brought complete relief to the millions of sufferers. Therapies include narcotic pain medicines; anti-seizure drugs, anti-depressants and even simple advice such as “get more sleep and exercise regularly.” Now that the cause of Fibromyalgia has been pinpointed, patients are looking forward to an eventual cure. Other expressed frustration about how much they had suffered already:
“When are they ever going to figure out that things are never “all in your head?” said one commenter. “Whenever something doesn’t fit in their tiny little understanding, they belittle the patient and tell them they are crazy. People have suffered through this since they were invented. Prescribing SSRIs for everything is not the answer any more than a lobotomy or hysterectomy was.”
The announcement has the potential to unlock better future treatments and undoubtedly has patients all over the world rejoicing that the mystery of Fibromyalgia has finally been solved.
By: Rebecca Savastio
http://guardianlv.com/2013/06/fibromyalgia-mystery-finally-solved/

You can read more at http://www.prohealth.com/library/showarticle.cfm?libid=18169&B1=ARTSHARE if you so desire. 
 

goal check-in

2013 goals- progress

(1) This year, I will unpack. Completely, fully, with organization. I  at my last house and there are things I missed. Some have already been freed in my new location. My landlord sucks, which can inspire back peddling, but I hope to make peace with one another and be able to stay here for at least 3 years.
Discontinued. I can't wait for my opportunity to leave this house. I have no positive words to say about my landlord. I think I'll begin to pack.

(3) Pay off my student loan. I owe 1405.88. After interest, that might be $1465.88. A range is fairer to me than an absolute elimination. Thus, I'll say that by December 2013, I will owe no more than $310. That means I would have eliminated about 75% of that debt. I explored this topic at 43things
My payoff amount is now $599-- that's a big difference from $1086 in February. This debt will be gone by December 2013. Apparently, I'll exceed the goal I wrote concerning this at the beginning of the year.

(4) Own less stuff. I'm not really sure how this looks but moving (again) showed me that I have a bunch of stuff. Most ppl don't have this much; why do I? Often, packing helps me see what things to shed. This time, it did not. Before the move, I mentally established the modest goal of getting rid of 60 things in 2013 onward-- 5 things per month on average. That's a minimum. I need less. I need to get rid of more. 365 items seems like an intimidatingly large commitment but maybe not. Somewhere between 100 & 365 for 2013?
I'm only at 32 on http://www.43things.com/person/rainbowphoenix compared to 23 in Feb.  Still not great at tracking what I've gotten rid of. Feeling a bit more motivated about this as I realize the amount that I own is a major reason I was resistant to moving. Having a landlord that flat foot refuses to make repairs inspires me more than having a bunch of stuff stifles me.

(5) Get my health in better shape. There's fibromyalgia, fibromyalgia, fibromyalgia. Then there's fitness. These past 6 months have been much worse than many 6 month periods. I'm trying a new medication (Savella), been referred to aquatherapies, and am reapproaching yoga (stopping is probably one of my worse mistakes thus far). I once said that I refuse to allow fibromyalgia to steal my life. It's been gaining more ground than I prefer so this year I am changing that.'
June 2013: Still not doing great with this goal. Actually just got put on 2 new daily meds. Went to yoga this past Wednesday and tried water aerobics on Thursday. I want to continue with both but the tattoo will delay my water activities. Got my bicycles repaired; need to spend more time riding them.

Feb 2013: Insurance won't pay for aquatherapies.
I take Savella as prescribed but doubt that it does much good. The timing is bad because allergen elimination decreases my pain. I have no way of knowing to what extent Savella helps.
Yoga hit a snag due to me having surgery on my hand; then I forgot to go to class.  I also acknowledge the need to increase home practice but struggle for a location. It is challenging to find the TV in the living room not in use, the space is insufficient in my bedroom, and the art room has a bunch of clean laundry and boxes in it right now that prevent that space for being used for anything. Hallway yoga? Maybe I'll do a few minutes of that. Also, I start photoshop classes this week, which will prevent me from attending the supportive yoga classes I was trying to commit to attending. 
Overall, I feel no healthier than when I started the year. I'm trying to make a health/fitness change per week. I give myself a C.

(6) Learn to eat in a way respectful to my body, particularly as it relates to delayed food sensitives
Working on starting over. Beginning at fast food instead of a specific food group.

(7) Do not increase the number of medications I take. Decrease my total of pills by at least one at year's end. This goal sounds mild but note that my doctor has me on 3 additional pills per day compared to what I was taking a month ago and has another on standby  Really, I think I'm trying to get off a blood pressure med, not be put back on cholesterol med, and not have Prilosec become a daily norm. More than get off of meds, I want to not increase despite being on the verge of that.
2 daily meds & 1 prn added last week of May. grrr. I'm kind of glad about one of them though because it's for something I've noticed as being high norm but never had a doctor express concern over before.

(8) Be a photographer/craftster for the year. Learn photoshop, Build my website (http://photosbyamy.weebly.com/). Build a kickstarter account to raise funds for a good and functional camera. Participate in 6 art fairs. Participate in photo club. Build some skills. Lets see what happens. I can put out another $700 with no or little return or I can see products move (though probably not enough to earn everything I put out in year 1 of seriousness).
June 2013: I completed 2 photoshop classes. Classes ended maybe 2 weeks ago. Haven't touched art since; I needed a break. It's all work. Not going to pursue all listed above. I need to pack, not unpack; I need to move.

Feb 2013: I signed back in to my website and reviewed how it operates. I signed up for a photoshop class. It starts this week.

(9) Be a better steward of my money. Actually balance my checking account regularly-- track weekly/biweekly. Balance quarterly. It's enough for me.
June: I changed my budgeting/tracking system to something less complicated. I decided on the change a few months ago then didn't address financial matters :o. Today, I looked back at it and began to balance.

Feb: The balancing has begun for the year. I have not updated for this week. Thus, I am behind.

(10) Lose some weight. My mom's pain increases when she gains weight. Dr. Steven Murphree once stated I would hurt less if I weighed less. Without mom's testimony it sounds silly but why not give it a try? I'll set a modest 12lb goal by my 31st (6-30-13). Shockingly (to me), I just opened my journal and learned that I've gained 25 lbs since Jan. 2010. For those of you that actually see me, do you see that 25lbs gained? Wow! SMH.
June 2013: I'm back at Jan's weight. That especially bites since my goal deadline is about 3 weeks away.

Feb: I've lost about 10lbs this year due to the elimination diet. I say "due to" but I've never lost weight on this diet before (which surprises even me). I resume regular eating in about 2 weeks so Feb/March will be the real tellers of how my weight loss goal is going. 

(11) Recycled from Jan 2012: "Put forth more effort to find a spiritual home. 24 attempts minimal." Okay, 20. Slight change from last year.
Feb 2013: I've gone to City Fellowship at least 5 times this year, I went to the church at the Health Food store once too many times :). Still needing to get to New St. Luke and might check out the UMC and non-denominational churches I visited last year. 

Last week, I went to City Fellowship. Today, I planned to go to New St. Luke Missionary Baptist but my hair was still wait when I woke up. If I can get it dry in 30 minutes, I'll go back to City Fellowship. 

(15) Keep A1C at or below 6.5. It's a constant goal of mine though my new doc wants it at a 6.0. I guess I can aim for 6.3  May's # didn't nail it. Thankfully, I'm still not at a place to be called "bad"

(16) Get my first tattoo. I wrote that for 2011 but here it is 2 years later. It's time to get some of these reoccurring items off the list.
I've actually sought out 5 artists this year for my yoga design. Tattoo artists seem to be flakes from my experience but I finally got an appointment scheduled for today. 15 minutes before we were to start, I got a text that something came up but I'll get a discount once we connect. We'll see. Mostly I'm being quoted something like $500 so I'm not sure that I'll proceed if it doesn't work out with the discount artist.

(18) Do some training in reading others. A microexpression online training? Read Bodytalk? Something.
June: no new updates. Feb: I purchased Bodytalk and Body Language. I haven't read much of either but at least I have some tools to get crackin'.

(20) Evaluate these goals and my progress regularly, no less than once a quarter. Here is another  conscious review....  I am glad to report that every item on this list is in my regular stream of consciousness. I may not be progressing in them all but I'm trying to work out a plan and get to action at least.