a lesson not learned

I came across this on my external hard drive tonight. Funny how I'm in this very spot again.

sick in a busy world

Sometimes, I miss the olden days, the time before I was born. I miss the countries in which I have never lived. And, I miss the life that I hope to come.

Right now, I’m sick. I’m nauseous, been vomiting sporadically, have a great deal of tension in the back of my neck and shoulders, pain, a headache, and a cough that comes and goes. You know what I’m thinking about? Work. I’m thinking about how my boss expects me to be there bright and early in the morning to assist her with a project even though she saw me barely able to stand as I told her that I was leaving early. I’m thinking about the number of tasks that I need to get accomplished this week and how many things better yet would have been done two weeks ago. I’m thinking about the intern that started today and was let down by my health, greeted by my staff instead of I who will supervise her and direct her tasks. You know what I want to be thinking about? Fresh fish, and coffee in the morning. My racing mind has led me to reflect on the living model of most of us that work and breathe. We work, work, work and do, do, do but what happens when our body cries out for rest? I tend to work shorter days, 6 hours instead of 8 or 9. As such, my body tends to heal slower than it would had it been allowed to rest as needed and frequently be replenished with refreshing water and other hydrating fluids. I get a little more rest with my shorter day, but I do so thinking about the many tasks that I need to accomplish around the house and how I wish that I had been more strength to productively use some of my newly acquired time. Right now, I crave the days that I have not known where I am allowed to sit still and heal, live. Our model of living works against us. It was constructed as something to benefit something greater than us, someone richer that we are, someone with more power. It was not created to respect our differences and our needs or to encourage our talents or many of out strengths. It was created to teach us conformity and complacency and gratefulness for something that it not great.  At least it pays the bills. Some of them. More than we could pay if we did not work 40-80 hours per week for someone else doing something that does not provide soul celebrating pleasure and peace. 

I call out for rest. I call out for relaxation. I call out for something that heals my soul, soul celebrating work that reaches out to someone else.

I’m a social worker. I reach out to others. Under stress. And a schedule. And four bosses.

I seek something different and today I create the challenge to find something more. When I grow up, I want to be independently wealthy so that I do not have to go to work everyday and do what someone else wants me to do. I strive for the life where I am not required to wake up before 8am and I get to set my agenda for the day. My soul has given me the outline of how my life should look. Now I question the details. What step shall I take next to get the life that I seek to lead?

                                                                                                               

Original: June 2, 2008