the jesus i never knew

I am disappointed in this book. I only read 3 chapters but they were hard to push through. The language was simple, conversational, which I like. The content was blah. The one positive I can say is his chapter on miracles reminded me of Anne Lamott's writings on small miracles. I like to be reminded of such things. Perhaps it is a small miracle that I woke up, naturally, by 8am this morning. New Love is coming and I haven't prepared. It was uncertain if she would come here for the day or if I would go to Memphis. I don't feel like driving to Memphis; I'm tired. I will be sadden by allowing India Arie to come and go but I'm tired. Fatigue accepted. Gabapentin ease up or be gone soon. Anyhow, a small miracle. Another book off the list. I need to call Panera and the library to select a location, then I can post a date. I have one "member" on meetup. I'm creating cards to leave in coffee shops & such to help spread the word. 5 would be a wonderful number, don't you think? Blessed be.

2013 goal tracking

New text in purple.

(1) This year, I will unpack. Completely, fully, with organization. I  at my last house and there are things I missed. Some have already been freed in my new location. My landlord sucks, which can inspire back peddling, but I hope to make peace with one another and be able to stay here for at least 3 years.
Discontinued. I can't wait for my opportunity to leave this house. I have no positive words to say about my landlord. I think I'll begin to pack.


(2) Use, use, use my Mexican food cookbook. Make at least 10 new recipes :).
October: Ex didn't like Mexican food, minus tacos. That was a huge barrier to accomplishing this goal. 3 months after her move, I've been thinking about this. I suppose there's time as long as I eat a lot of Mexican food. Another barrier has been my health. In association with migraines, I haven't been able to eat much. In association with a new girlfriend, I think, this has improved. I did finally try Mexican this week. Some discomfort but tolerable. 

 (3) Pay off my student loan. I owe 1405.88. After interest, that might be $1465.88. A range is fairer to me than an absolute elimination. Thus, I'll say that by December 2013, I will owe no more than $310. That means I would have eliminated about 75% of that debt. I explored this topic at 43things
My payoff amount is now $599-- that's a big difference from $1086 in February. This debt will be gone by December 2013. Apparently, I'll exceed the goal I wrote concerning this at the beginning of the year.
October: Mission accomplished :) :). I cannot express how happy I am about this. I paid off my balance this week.

(4) Own less stuff. I'm not really sure how this looks but moving (again) showed me that I have a bunch of stuff. Most ppl don't have this much; why do I? Often, packing helps me see what things to shed. This time, it did not. Before the move, I mentally established the modest goal of getting rid of 60 things in 2013 onward-- 5 things per month on average. That's a minimum. I need less. I need to get rid of more. 365 items seems like an intimidatingly large commitment but maybe not. Somewhere between 100 & 365 for 2013?
October: I'm not good at focusing on this goal. I'm even worse at tracking it. I hope to have a yard sale in March or April. 43things logs me at 73 items "gone"

I'm only at 32 on http://www.43things.com/person/rainbowphoenix compared to 23 in Feb.  Still not great at tracking what I've gotten rid of. Feeling a bit more motivated about this as I realize the amount that I own is a major reason I was resistant to moving. Having a landlord that flat foot refuses to make repairs inspires me more than having a bunch of stuff stifles me.

  (5) Get my health in better shape. There's fibromyalgia, fibromyalgia, fibromyalgia. Then there's fitness. These past 6 months have been much worse than many 6 month periods. I'm trying a new medication (Savella), been referred to aquatherapies, and am reapproaching yoga (stopping is probably one of my worse mistakes thus far). I once said that I refuse to allow fibromyalgia to steal my life. It's been gaining more ground than I prefer so this year I am changing that.'
October 2013: Not sure what to say here. Fibromyalgia symptoms are probably better than in January. Health is fragile. I had a migraine daily for 6 weeks. Then the headache faded and came intermittedly but the nausea and sensitivity to food smells stayed. Now it all comes and goes. I saw a neurologist and did a MRI; they don't know what's going on with me. Follow up in about 3 weeks. He wants me to avoid all caffeine, pain pills, headache/migraine medications, and herbal treatments of any kind. I haven't had pain/headache pills since my last appointment with him. I have caffeine 2-3 days per week but less than was my norm on those days. I use my herbals as I need them. I have to survive this mess somehow and although he trusts the FDA more than herbal companies, my faith is the opposite. Still no yoga but still thinking about it. I exercise some when with girlfriend but need to get back on a schedule on my own. I want to try Monday line dancing and Tuesday yoga at the Y. The newest med the neurologist has me trying has me in bed by 8pm and without energy by 6pm. It's such a barrier to my life at large. I've been on it less than 2 weeks at this point and am really trying to move forward with it and let my body adjust. It just happens to hinder the rest of my life trying to be medically compliant.

June 2013: Still not doing great with this goal. Actually just got put on 2 new daily meds. Went to yoga this past Wednesday and tried water aerobics on Thursday. I want to continue with both but the tattoo will delay my water activities. Got my bicycles repaired; need to spend more time riding them.

Feb 2013: Insurance won't pay for aquatherapies.
I take Savella as prescribed but doubt that it does much good. The timing is bad because allergen elimination decreases my pain. I have no way of knowing to what extent Savella helps.
Yoga hit a snag due to me having surgery on my hand; then I forgot to go to class.  I also acknowledge the need to increase home practice but struggle for a location. It is challenging to find the TV in the living room not in use, the space is insufficient in my bedroom, and the art room has a bunch of clean laundry and boxes in it right now that prevent that space for being used for anything. Hallway yoga? Maybe I'll do a few minutes of that. Also, I start photoshop classes this week, which will prevent me from attending the supportive yoga classes I was trying to commit to attending. 
Overall, I feel no healthier than when I started the year. I'm trying to make a health/fitness change per week. I give myself a C.

(6) Learn to eat in a way respectful to my body, particularly as it relates to delayed food sensitives
October: The inability to eat at large has hindered my efforts to respect what I know about my body. Just before getting sick, I decided not to bring gluten-containing sandwich bread, gluten-containing regular crackers, or gluten containing pasta (excemption to Ramen)  into my house. I've upheld that. I haven't eatten away much of what was already here so I don't have a gluten-free cracker, pasta pantry yet. I did eat up the regular bread prior to my sick binge. I tried eating a new gluten free bread but got sick and am therefore afraid to try that brand again. But it's in my freezer. This goal isn't far from my thoughts; I guess a little progress has been made. Very little.
Working on starting over. Beginning at fast food instead of a specific food group.

(7) Do not increase the number of medications I take. Decrease my total of pills by at least one at year's end. This goal sounds mild but note that my doctor has me on 3 additional pills per day compared to what I was taking a month ago and has another on standby  Really, I think I'm trying to get off a blood pressure med, not be put back on cholesterol med, and not have Prilosec become a daily norm. More than get off of meds, I want to not increase despite being on the verge of that.
October:  I'm now on gabapentin to control my migraines. It has me exhausted. Not sure what kind of effect it has on the migraines yet. Not moving in the right direction, I guess.
2 daily meds & 1 prn added last week of May. grrr. I'm kind of glad about one of them though because it's for something I've noticed as being high norm but never had a doctor express concern over before.

(8) Be a photographer/craftster for the year. Learn photoshop, Build my website (http://photosbyamy.weebly.com/). Build a kickstarter account to raise funds for a good and functional camera. Participate in 6 art fairs. Participate in photo club. Build some skills. Lets see what happens. I can put out another $700 with no or little return or I can see products move (though probably not enough to earn everything I put out in year 1 of seriousness).
October: June's update was the last of the crafty business for the year. Maybe with my next move?
 June 2013: I completed 2 photoshop classes. Classes ended maybe 2 weeks ago. Haven't touched art since; I needed a break. It's all work. Not going to pursue all listed above. I need to pack, not unpack; I need to move.

Feb 2013: I signed back in to my website and reviewed how it operates. I signed up for a photoshop class. It starts this week.

(9) Be a better steward of my money. Actually balance my checking account regularly-- track weekly/biweekly. Balance quarterly. It's enough for me.
October: Not on track.

 June: I changed my budgeting/tracking system to something less complicated. I decided on the change a few months ago then didn't address financial matters :o. Today, I looked back at it and began to balance.

Feb: The balancing has begun for the year. I have not updated for this week. Thus, I am behind.

(10) Lose some weight. My mom's pain increases when she gains weight. Dr. Steven Murphree once stated I would hurt less if I weighed less. Without mom's testimony it sounds silly but why not give it a try? I'll set a modest 12lb goal by my 31st (6-30-13). Shockingly (to me), I just opened my journal and learned that I've gained 25 lbs since Jan. 2010. For those of you that actually see me, do you see that 25lbs gained? Wow! SMH.
October: I was minus 10 the last I checked, a week ago. I suspect it's due to that period of only being able to eat noodles and bread/sandwiches. Let's see how long it holds.
 June 2013: I'm back at Jan's weight. That especially bites since my goal deadline is about 3 weeks away.

Feb: I've lost about 10lbs this year due to the elimination diet. I say "due to" but I've never lost weight on this diet before (which surprises even me). I resume regular eating in about 2 weeks so Feb/March will be the real tellers of how my weight loss goal is going. 

(11) Recycled from Jan 2012: "Put forth more effort to find a spiritual home. 24 attempts minimal." Okay, 20. Slight change from last year.
October: I haven't been counting but City Fellowship is 'bout the only place I've been this year. I did start a community group of my own, except we haven't met. I'm hoping for a Nov12th or 19th first meeting.
 Feb 2013: I've gone to City Fellowship at least 5 times this year, I went to the church at the Health Food store once too many times :). Still needing to get to New St. Luke and might check out the UMC and non-denominational churches I visited last year. 

Last week, I went to City Fellowship. Today, I planned to go to New St. Luke Missionary Baptist but my hair was still wait when I woke up. If I can get it dry in 30 minutes, I'll go back to City Fellowship. 

(15) Keep A1C at or below 6.5. It's a constant goal of mine though my new doc wants it at a 6.0. I guess I can aim for 6.3  October: pretty sure I was below goal at last appointment but can't remember my actual number.
 May's # didn't nail it. Thankfully, I'm still not at a place to be called "bad"

(16) Get my first tattoo. I wrote that for 2011 but here it is 2 years later. It's time to get some of these reoccurring items off the list.

 

Done, June 2013

I've actually sought out 5 artists this year for my yoga design. Tattoo artists seem to be flakes from my experience but I finally got an appointment scheduled for today. 15 minutes before we were to start, I got a text that something came up but I'll get a discount once we connect. We'll see. Mostly I'm being quoted something like $500 so I'm not sure that I'll proceed if it doesn't work out with the discount artist.

(18) Do some training in reading others. A microexpression online training? Read Bodytalk? Something.
October: nada
 June: no new updates. Feb: I purchased Bodytalk and Body Language. I haven't read much of either but at least I have some tools to get crackin'.

(20) Evaluate these goals and my progress regularly, no less than once a quarter.  
October: Review done. Lots of goals not yet accomplished. Ummm. Gun glasses aren't on here but I'm sure that was a goal for this year. Needing to refocus and select some things to accomplish in the next 2 months.
 Here is another  conscious review....  I am glad to report that every item on this list is in my regular stream of consciousness. I may not be progressing in them all but I'm trying to work out a plan and get to action at least.

Finding Our Way Again: the Return of the Ancient Practices

Finding Our Way Again by Brian Mclaren is the book I browsed last week for consideration  as a Beloved Community Group read. The first chapter, "Searching for an Everyday Sacredness" had me saying "yes, yes, yes!" He recounts interviewing Dr. Peter Senge and having him share his belief that people are gravitating towards Buddhism because it presents itself as a way of life, whereas Christianity presents itself as a system of belief. Dr. Senge says that people need a way of life. I crave a way of life. Spirituality. A spiritual way of life. Each chapter in this book ends with "spiritual exercises," a list of questions to help readers reflect on and/or apply the material read in the preceding chapter. Of the chapters I've read, I'd put some of the printed questions on the floor in the group setting and leave others for people to ponder in their own time.

The book is divided into 3 parts: way, practices, and ancient. I tried to read a chapter from each in my review/scan. In "Practicing the Way of Jesus," he touches on what so many of those to which I flock understand. Literally, it is written, "whenever I hear the name Jesus, I cringe." Like the "I hate church" billboard, it's a statement that makes me want to read more.
                   
The divide between the different "branches" of Christians is interesting. I'm not talking denominations. I can kick it with Episcopals, Methodists, & Disciples alike. It's those darn conservative, Bible thumping, "I've got all the answers" variety that leave the taste of vomit in my mouth. And mine in theirs, to be fair.

A line from the book that I like: "I am convinced that Jesus didn't come to start a new religion; he came to proclaim a new kingdom." Kingdom. Lifestyle. Not this malarkey of my side, your side, my way, your way, my people, your people. The Kingdom. One Love. A new kingdom. Not the way of old, convenience, tradition, & just because. Maybe I should start telling people I'm down with the new kingdom instead of telling them I'm a Christian; I wonder what kind of crazy they'd think I am. lol.
                                                                                  
Under practices, I opted to read the chapter on contemplative practices. Some that appealed to me are:

• Spiritual Reading & Study (long been hard for me to practice with regularity but oh how I believe in it & its importance)
• Practicing God's Presence: Learning to be aware of God as constant companion, staying in constant contact with God, living with one's spiritual windows and doors open to God (I call this a good day)                          
• Contemplative Prayer: Practicing a kind of prayer that culminates in silent attentiveness to God, a prayer that is about listening and receiving rather than speaking & expressing (admittely, I don't usually want to hear what God is ready to say.)
• Holy Days & Seasons: Observing special days and seasons that interupt the normalcy and regularity of daily life with intensity. These special days or seasons stimulate the remembering of special events or meanings and provide members of a faith community with a special encouragement to engage in specified practices. 
• Meditation & Memorization: Holding a truth in the mind through nonanxious concentration so that it can be savored and rooted deeply and accessible to memory in the stress and struggle of daily life

The final chapter I read was also profoundly meaningful for me. "Katharsis (Via Purgativa)"  Pride (a preoccupation with oneself and one's power), Lust (pleasure in general, as well as sexual pleasure), & Greed (money & possessions) obstruct light from entering the soul. I started thinking about how much of my life can fall under pride, lust, or greed-- buying a house, finding "that" relationship, building sufficient savings, being successful, et cetera. Not "bad" stuff but prideful, lustful, greedy stuff. When you strip away things of pride, lust, and greed what's left? Seeking and squinting, I saw things that were beautiful. Relationship (non-sexual, obviously, like family), spirituality. It's amazing how beautiful life and the world is when you strip it away of pride, greed, and lust, as in trying to be bigger, "better," faster, more. Clarity. God. Goddess. Peace.

The glimmers of light, joy, & peace I got when skimming the book are the reasons I will present it as a possibility when the time comes. The notable drawback was obvious in chapter 1 when the author references writing like 3 other books to actually talk about the ancient practices. At that point, I was afraid he wasn't actually going to talk about the practices in the sense of "how to". It is true he doesn't go in depth but I got glimmers of more life and that's a start. Namaste & Blessed be.

book selection/review

This morning, I used amazon to read excerpts from Becoming a Thinking Christian.... by John B. Cobb Jr. Seems to be a very discussion rich book but lacks purpose beyond getting one to think about his or her own beliefs. Reviewing it with "Beloved Community" (name not final) in mind, I feel that I could just generate a list of topics and say "tell me your thoughts" and be about as effective. I suspect a great benefit in this book is that most people do not sit around and discuss those topics. It can spearhead a conversation and has historical tid bits to help explain how we got to where we are with various thoughts on a given subject. But no, this is not a book that I will suggest at any upcoming book selection discussion. Also, it did help me realize how long it may take this group to get through any one book. I can imagine quite a lengthy conversation from any one chapter I read in Cobb's book. No way to get through 3 chapters in one sitting. The process will emerge.

At home, I scanned a couple of books on hand:
1. Secrets to Exceptional Living by Joyce Meyer-- I read this book during my high school or undergraduate days. I enjoyed it. Stills seems to be something worth reading. Nurturing the fruits of the spirit is good, Christian or not.
2. Knowing God Intimately: Being as Close to Him as You Want to Be by Joyce Meyer  Never read this but willing to. I tend to like J Meyer; it's one of my biases
3. The Last Week: What the Gospels Really Teach About Jesus's Final Days in Jerusalem by Marcus J. Borg and John Dominic Crossan: I'd love to read and discuss this book in the spring-- Easter season. Not recommending it for a winter book. In part, my interest is the author Marcus Borg. In part, the person that originally gave and recommended the book. 
4. The Bible Jesus Read by Philip Yancey-- not a book I will recommend using in its entirety. Each chapter focuses on a given chapter of the Bible. It could be of use if we ever choose to read one of the book reviewed. 

Next, I think I'll check to see which books my local library owns. Having these books in hand may be easier for thorough search and review. Sometimes, I think God lets me view/hear things online that I shouldn't have access to. This morning, I was amazed by how much of Cobb's books I could read on amazon. It asked me to consider buying the book but never ended how many pages I could review. Blessed be.

Beloved Community

Beloved Community of Faith seeks to be a diverse, spiritual community composed of people of various races, genders, sexual orientations, educational levels, financial statuses, and physical abilities. We seek to grow together through spiritually enriching activities such as book readings, Bible studies, devotionals, conversations about social and economic justice, examining how everyday choices are a reflection of our faith decisions, and through service opportunities. Beloved Community of Faith is a group of loving individuals that welcomes everyone to show up where they are, recognizing that the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39).

Beloved Community of Faith questions, "where does faith intersect with real life responsibility?" Conversation pieces may question:
To what extent, as a person of faith, am I responsible for "giving back to my community"?
Does faith imply that we are to be politically active or politically absent?
To Spotify or not? Purchase or pirate? Download or go to the store?
Do I have a responsibility to buy or drink fair trade coffee?
Am I responsible for taking care of the environment?
Should my faith influence where I shop or what products I buy?
What does God really ask of me & when is enough finally enough?!


Some changes have occurred to the above statement over the past week but have since been discarded apparently... and then reimplemented. For example, differing educational levels-- it occurs to me that one must have a certain level of intelligence to appropriately interact with this group. But, intelligence does not equal educational level; the stmt stays. I thought about the financial status coming across as weird but eh, why not. And it's true. Plus, the statement of diversity comes out fairly weak if it just says we want ppl of various races, genders, & sexual orientations. I did eliminate a statement I felt focused on the individual more than the group since the rest of the statements were about the group's identity.

My resolve hasn't really weakened since my original post but there are glimmers of fear. Shaking up the status quo is never well-received. I do believe my Memphis predominately black open & affirming faith group stopped meeting due to fear... but I don't know that active threats were made. We have Phoenix Christian Church in Wildersville--it's an actual church whereas this is not. And there's a good chance that no one will come. But there's that inkling. I think it is why I did not work on this group's development over the weekend and the reason I am hesitating even tonight.

I keep forgetting to call places to inquire about meeting space. Also, I am incredibly busy and a bit behind at work. But breaks are needed, business can be done. We'll see about tomorrow.

Namaste.

migraine tracking

When I went to the doctor's on Thursday, I had a migraine. I didn't go there because of my migraine; my appointment and the blasted migraine just happened to occur on the same day. My doctor asked when I last had a migraine and the honest answer was I don't know. I tend to track it in my blog and hadn't looked to see. We concluded that I went at least 2 months without a migraine, a vast improvement from when I had a headache at least 5 out of 7 days for about a month. My doctor informed me that those headaches may have also been migraines, just smaller ones. She said there are actually 3 types of migraines but most people only refer to the worse/biggest ones as migraines. This migraine started Wednesday evening. I blew it off, took Execedrin migraine and went swimming. Did okay at the pool. Didn't get worse, just didn't get better. There was one spot with too much light but other than standing there, it went okay. Wednesday night, vomiting. Thursday, felt horrible but did my norm of pushing myself to go into work with the agreement to work a half-day or stay depending on how it went once I got there. Extremely busy. Stayed all day. Friday morning, couldn't get out of the bed to go to my morning training that I sincerely wanted to attend. Slept about 18 hours on Friday. Today, I finally feel better, though not healed. Today, finally, my symptoms are relatively controlled as long as I take imitrix every 5 hours and don't sit too much under overhead light. Not eating seems like a great way to keep the food down so that's mostly been my strategy these past few days. Bread works well. Noodles. Tried rice tonight but didn't get very far. Popsiclea okay; yea. Ice cream is horrible. I canceled my trip to Memphis for the weekend due to not feeling well. What's the point of driving there just to lay around? It's possible that my food allergy triggered this one. I dined in at a Chinese place ad felt some reactions kicking up. Benadryll kept it from getting bad. So, here's my migraine tracking and a prayer to have it all end rly soon. Tomorrow?

fictious group planning

The name? Beloved Community Faith Group & Beloved Community of Faith are the current top contenders in my head right now. Other ideas have been Community of Hope-- the day after being inspired with "beloved" I noticed we have a Communities of Hope Church in Jackson; don't rly want to be confused for them. Community of Faith-- okay... Hesitant to be "of faith" 'cause I want so many ppl to feel welcomed in this group and some people may not be "in faith" yet. Also, sounds very generic. At the same time, I want the type of grp to be somewhat obvious in the name. Beloved Community Spirit Group? Beloved Community Spiritual Group? I think of it as a spiritual journey, a faith walk. Beloved because all are welcomed, all are loved. God does not choose and exclude, only mankind. I've also thought about something along the lines of Spirit Quest to honor the idea of the journey and coming from a place of spiritual thirst for me.

Of bigger issue, imo, is the description. I don't know what phrase to use to tell people what this group is. "Bible Study" is not fitting. But jotting down key words while at the doctor's last week, an appropriate statement to put on the meetup page's description began to form. Working with that idea:

[Group name] seeks to be a diverse, spiritual community composed of people of various races, genders, sexual orientations, educational levels, financial statuses, and physical abilities. Our desire is to support one another in our individual spiritual journeys. We seek to grow together through spiritually enriching activities such as book readings, Bible studies, devotionals, conversations about social and economic justice, discussions examining how everyday choices are a reflection of our faith decisions, and through service opportunities. [Group name] is a group of loving individuals that welcomes everyone to show up where they are, recognizing that the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39).


[Group name] questions, "where does faith intersect with real life responsibility?" Conversation pieces may question:
To what extent, as a person of faith, am I responsible for "giving back to my community"?
Does faith imply that we are to be politically active or politically absent?
To Spotify or not?
Purchase or pirate? Download or go to the store?
Do I have a responsibility to buy or drink fair trade coffee?
Am I responsible for taking care of the environment?
Should my faith influence where I shop or what products I buy?
What does God really ask of me & when is enough finally enough?!

I'd especially like some feedback on the first paragraph.  Feel free to share your thoughts on the description thus far-- positive, negative, what stands out to you?
                

Location, location, location? Where shall this group meet? I think frequency should be determined by the group-- weekly or biweekly? One concern I have on location is cost. I don't think it'd be outrageous to collect money to help with room fees or meetup fees as meetup.com is where this group will begin. I also don't want to pay $50 per meeting to sit somewhere. There are free locations-- coffee shops, restaurants-- but those places lack privacy and I want everyone to be comfortable to share and discuss. I wonder what community centers Jackson has... An Internet search suggests that Westwood Rec, Northside Lions Community Center, and T.R. White Sportsplex are the only ones with meeting space. Some places to call and inquire about availability include:
1. Westwood Rec Center   Their website says meeting space is free to non-profits. Lord knows I'm not trying to make money from this group but I'm also not trying to file for a 501c3. I'll call to see what they'll charge for this.
2. University of Memphis, Lambuth surely has meeting space. Might cost more than the Rec Center though.
        * Wow! I think I just discovered they have a free planetarium: http://www.memphis.edu/lambuth/life.php
3. The Lift is our new, fancy gym. I suspect their meeting space reservation is pricy. Or maybe I was thinking of the Jackson Walk in general instead of the Lift Center specifically. Either way, looking at their website I don't think it'd be a good fit.
4. Northside Lions Community Center. "spaces for rent" (731) 425-8386
5. Library (free! :))

Last night at the Jackson Social Meetup, I met a lady that is very interested in helping to get this group going... maybe. I told her I planned to write out some ideas today and would e-mail them to her. We'll see how that goes. She is my inspiration for adding "Service opportunities" to the statement.