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Saturday, September 17, 2011

mostly a hope for love

Friday morning found me at the airport. My job sent me to San Diego, CA. Whoo-hoo! The drawback to that is everything-- working out everything to plan for this trip is horrible! But it's done, kind of.

Before arriving at the airport, I went to meet love interest #2. She's not out, so I'll call her “Memphis”. She talks a really good game and has a nice, wet kiss to make ya wonder. We met at Subway, our first time meeting in person, and left with the possibility of her coming up next weekend. I should follow up on that 'cause if she's not coming I should call love interest #1. One & two are based on when I first made contact with them; it does nothing to denote priority. Yep. 1 & 2. Choice. Double Love. Who would have thought from little ol' me? And I didn't hit on either of them!

Love interest 1, Tilley, is kind, smart, thoughtful (in the thinking kind of way), handsome, pretty, employed, into advocacy, readind, and is really young. 21. She lives with her parents, about 45 minutes from me, but works in South Jackson. I'm really, really comfortable with her. In the long-run, she could break my heart but I trust her in the present not to play games with me or my heart and not to do anything to blatantly hurt me. We met through the social group I created, Small Town Progressives. Tilley joined and I liked her meetup profile so I sent her a friend request on facebook. A few days into that, she sent me her number and the texts began. She asked me if I wanted to meet and of course I did; that's what meetup is all about. We ate at TGIFriday's and got along quite well and didn't want to wrap up the night. Books-a-Million is behind Friday's so we walked there. She invited me to coffee next but being the sleepy head I am, I went home. I felt the physical attraction then and think I could have gotten away with a goodnight kiss that first night, but we were meeting to be friends. And she is really young. I wanted to be “just friends”.

Tilley and I talked about hanging out again-- perhaps Mexican on Sunday. Somehow, that become a bar on Saturday and that turned into Sunday morning. We were supposed to meet at Miss Ollie's but I couldn't find my glasses to drive at night. Because I felt SO comfortable with her, I called and asked for a ride. She decided to come early so she could build my futon before we went out (yea!), but we never felt compelled to leave the house... until the chicken nugget/coffee run. Again, there didn't seem to be a great need for the night to end so we held on to it for a while. Oddly enough, we talked about just being friends before and after the cuddle. It's just not the most logical match. Shave away a few years and perhaps, but now I risk falling in love with someone who wants to move and finish academic pursuits

Interest building but lines drawn, Tilley and I continued to talk. Then through texts, we decided to date because the truth is, we both like the other. A lot. We talked about the issues and concerns about dating one another and discovered that none of them are boulders. Yea for the Tilley Till. She wants to get her B.A. in Nashville and we know Nashville's not that far from Jackson, closer to Jackson than Memphis for sure. I can envision reading lots of books, having thoughtful discussions, and forking through many types of adventures with her.

Now for Memphis- she found me on It was a little weird 'cause she sent me a “hello” from a profile that said she's straight. THEN, she avoided the question when I was checking on her sexual orientation. I didn't ask directly, so she didn't answer. Lol. Memphis seems like a vocal, strong, black woman. She's been employed at the same place for 5 years, not something I'd think of as a passion-driven job but it is a job that she sincerely enjoys. (It's also the company Tilley works for, just in a different location) And, she has plans of being in management there, if the pay is right (they offered her one mgmt spot that would have involved a pay cut. Let's be real.). She also has her dream job and plans to go back to college with a major that will allow her to qualify for mgmt where she is and to open the business she wants. I like me a focused woman. I like that Memphis and Tilley both have plans; the question is will both of them actively work towards achieving them?

Black women sometimes have this thing about them that can be off-putting. In S (back-in the day) it had a dismissive quality to it. With Tammy, it had a sting. With Memphis, I'm not sure how to qualify it. Honest and direct for sure. This thing exists in the area of “attitude” but it's not the same as one with an attitude. It relates to how they see and express their site of certain aspects of the world. It's rawer than I am, which is probably why I find it a bit frightening and/or off-putting. It's an acceptable thing from them and part of why they draw my respect, but I still shutter. Weird, huh?

Memphis says she's falling fast and hard for me. That strikes me as odd, as she was saying this before we ever met. But she could explain. She sent me an e-mail that listed concrete things that really do describe me that stated why she likes me so. So I respect that; it leads me to believe she could doing more than lip service. She knows what kind of woman she's looking for in life. Tammy fell fast and hard and promised me for ever. Obviously, that didn't happen. I don't want that kind of drama, love, and let down again, especially not back to back. Memphis is laying her game thick; have I mentioned that? I just hope it isn't game.

With her outness, I don't think she's going to be insanely closeted. She called me Bookie and let me rub her arm at Subway. She told me she just wants to make it a year with a woman before she comes out to her family. We'll see.

Maybe. I don't like the idea of having to choose between the two. I am simply dating them (not a girlfriend) but to stop dating one of them is like issuing rejection. I'm about 1-2 weeks in with both of them. I have no intentions of cutting any strings before I've known them both for at least a month. Insides can't be trusted those first 3 weeks ya know :). My emotions might lie to me if I let them give me a decision that fast.

So like I said, I'm in San Diego. My “resort” is really a motel that planted some trees and roses. I saw some people outside looking for a Starbucks because they said their coffee pot looks like it's about 30 years old and hasn't been washed in 10. Woo. I'm gonna nap now and then go out for a harbor tour. I intended to go to a class on motivational interviewing this morning but in all the mix up's of getting me here, signing me up for the pre-conference class apparently didn't occur. I hope to post pictures from today soon. My internet expires at 7pm so it probably won't be today :/

Blessed be.

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