today's experiencing of living with fibromyalgia

Today, I realized that I hate when people ask me something like, "what's wrong?" as in I know you are in pain but I don't understand why you feel so bad. Earlier today, the question I thought was, "How do you answer when someone asks you what's wrong" when what is wrong is a result of your fibromyalgia? I've tried, "well, you know, I have fibromyalgia" and the one word reply "pain," but those answers don't seem to be what they seek. Later, I realized that I don't too much care to come up with a satisfactory answer because they know I have fibromyalgia and they know I'm in pain when they ask. What do you want me to say? Is the question really just an acknowledgement that you know I'm having a bad day? Probably not for those that keep their eyes on me waiting for an understandable answer. Oh. It just occurred to me that maybe I should name everything that hurts when they ask; will that deter future occurrences of that conversation? This morning, it could have gone:
Staff: Look, there's that Amy coming in to work over 1 hour late and look! She's using a cane. Does she really need that cane?
Me: Good Morning. Click, step, step. Click, step, step. Click-- darn, it's hard to open doors when using a cane.
Staff: I hear you don't feel good. What's wrong?
Me: Snarling- My thighs, calves, back, and biceps hurt. I'm a level 10 on a scale of 1-10 but only because 10 is where the scale ends. It's really much worse. How are you?

That mock answer doesn't even seem to begin to express what today was like for me. And did you notice that I had my cane? It was its first public appearance. It was more embarrassing that humbling; I'll still have to work on "humility". I noticed that I looked down a lot as I walked and suspect that was because of embarrassment and not wanting to see others looking at me or wondering why, not because looking down when walking makes the process easier. Although I love when cars stop so I can cross under normal circumstances, I don't like it with the cane. I move much slower and feel the need to rush. Imagine crazy (young) granny flying across the street, stick in hand. But, those people were kind. I fully acknowledge that. I'd prefer to be invisible and left alone when having a day such as today. Except Susan can see me. She's angel-like. She doesn't give me those looks; she knows.

I went to work because one of my 3 people that have to move in 30 days or less, against their will, had an appointment with Town and Country property management this morning. My plan was to transport him, be back in my office by noon, then go to the doctor. Damn, people always catch me. So, I left for Physcian Quality Care at 1:45 pm and ended up missing my 4pm dental appointment (rescheduled for tomorrow). My hope was PQC 1-3:30, dentist at 4. PQC rocked! They offer you beverages, laptops, movies, and cable TV in the exam rooms. But, it took me over 2 hours to check in and be seen. But then the doc gave me muscle relaxers (thank God! It's been a tough few weeks) and loratab. My pain went from more than a 10 to a 9 today so the level of pain did diminish significantly. But who wants to spend a day at a 9?

I'm satisfied with my actions today. I pushed, pushed, pushed to get in the office for someone else because I told him I'd be there. I sought medical care because it was time. I'm headed to bed because rest is what I've really wanted most of the day. I realize that being out of it today jeopardizes so much of my plans for the rest of the week. I must remember that when things go undone, it is because of good reason. Ciao.

P.S.- I tried that thing where I breath in the pain and suffering of others and breathed out something good. I suck at that.

come out, come out & be counted

Authorities, volunteers count area's homeless population

Results will be used to provide assistance

11:33 PM, Jan. 26, 2012 |

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Volunteers Kim Parker and Amy Jones talk to a homeless man known as Cave Man Thursday while collecting information for the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development about people who are homeless. / JACOB MOORE/The Jackson Sun

HUD requires that cities that receive funding from them conduct an annual point-in-time count the last week of January, to determine how many homeless people live in their city. They use that data to help them determine how much money various locations need to receive as they attempt to get people housed. Not everyone counted wants to be housed, and not everyone that desires independent housing gets counted. Read the article above here, if desired.

When they first announced this count in Jackson, they said we were going to ride around in cars and count how many people we saw. If we did not know how many people lived in 1 spot, count "1" unless we saw toys, in which we'd count "2" to acknowledge there being a family present. We would not be getting out of the car to engage in conversation or complete surveys (as they do in Memphis). When the time arrived on Thursday, my first stop involved getting out of the car, walking through mudpaths and up hills in the woods, to arrive at Caveman's rockin' tent. no getting out? Dag. I really need some rain boots. I was not expecting that or the media accompaniment we had. I never heard them ask Caveman for permission to film or photograph him. We were at his place that night. I found that rude.

The night continued to see me slush through woods looking for people. Very few were found in my designated area. I know of one other group with similar results and one group that found lots of people in places "unfit for human habitation" (missing roofs, windows, utilities, holes in the structure, etc.). Caveman is friends with a veteran and promised to pass my information on to him. I hope he does. As of today, he has not left a message or made contact with me. Maybe next week, I will go to his place to see if he is home.

There were 3 of us riding in a police car. Thus, one person had to sit in the back seat. That lucky person was me. The seats are hard, plastic bucket seats, a great contrast from the plush seating up front. It's narrower than the space given in the backseat of a typical car, unless you're comparing it to a Celica or something. Every bump is felt. In the beginning, I felt like I was being thrown around in the back and my body moved with every turn the officer took. I wondered, could they possibly feel this trip the same way up front? There was a thick, surely bullet proof plastic divider between the front and back. I could see hand motions and hear mumblings but could not hear to engage in their conversation or even tell you what they were talking about. It made think about the saying that children should be seen, not heard. It occurred to me that sitting back there was dehumanizing. I thought about how much worse it must be for someone picked up for committing some crime-- the harsh words, the disregard for how they feel back there, the rough handling.... Officer Chilcote seemed really kind. I got that from the way he spoke of and to those who are homeless. A few minutes into the drive, he though about me and opened a window that plastic divider has so that I would feel less like a prisoner. I discovered that he and Kim are actually soft spoken. Even with the window opened, I couldn't hear what she was saying. lol.

Each year that I do this count, I always learn something new about locating people without housing "in the wild". Before, I learned to focus on bridges and that displaced trash near dumpsters was a good sign that they hung out in that area. This year, I learned to peer deep into the woods and search for tents. Trash, grocery store buggies, clothes lines and other signs of life are a sign that someone lives in the area where those items are present. Caveman's tent looked much like a 1 bedroom apartment. He even has an enclosed porch! My house is more comfortable that his tent, even with its full-size mattress, but his efforts to make his tent "home" are stunning.

I rode with Officer Chilcote (Jackson PD) and Kim Parker (Pathways). We discussed various places we've heard of people living and checked other wooded area in our district. The organizers said they would provide a listing of where folks were living during the count last year to help us locate people. That, sadly, didn't happen. We looked for 2 hours and found 2 people during that time. I do look forward to hearing the end result (# located) from the group's efforts
at large.

The local news led with this count. I can't see Memphis' news ever doing that :o.

http://www.wbbjtv.com/news/local/Workers-To-Count-West-Tennessee-Homeless-138177579.html

life summary

It has been a while since I've been here to write. Praises to the Tilley for installing my new keyboard. Now, typing isn't such a pain.

So, how to sum up life? I'll start with Fitness & Health 'cause I received an e-mail inquiring about that and I don't think i ever answered.

Fitness/Health: They suck. I exercised for that week, then stopped. I got into Christmas shopping instead. That had a brilliant start. I'm excited about the gifts I'm giving this year. They are "bigger" as in more expensive than usual. One of my giving highs is buying little Christian some Yamaha electric drums. If you have not already, go to his facebook entertainment page and like him: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Christian-Merriweather/179567812100172 Fatigue increases and wanes; all-in-all no better than I was when I started exercising.

I joined the YMCA 'cause they were waving their membership fee and offer water zumba, self-defense, and yoga. I have yet to actually use that new membership, however. I'm on week 1 of membership I believe.

I half-way tested nightshade plants as an allergen. Those things are messed up! They make me burn. One night, I woke up thinking I was on fire. I checked my bed thinking my electric blanket had sparked it and took off my shirt thinking it was on fire. The results aren't that bad unless I eat a bunch but wow. A co-worker nicely told me she thinks they negatively effect my personality as well. lol. I'm finding they are a hard thing to avoid. I eat sour cream b/c I like it. Nightshades, particularly tomato based items, just seem 'bout impossible to avoid. And ketchup!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my. It was just today that I realized I need to stop using it so liberally. *weep, weep, weep* What do you like with your french fries? Umm. I guess I'm not supposed to eat those either. *pout*

Right now, I feel bad 'cause I'm only about a week out from the experiment and went through 2 night shade plant intense holiday parties since then. So. much. pain. And I gave mom my trauma oil 'cause I'm a nice, caring daughter. I'm hoping the health food store is open tomorrow so I can replace my bottle.


For the pursuit of Love: I'm kind of fed up with this to tell you the truth. This year has seen me dating 3 different people & getting hurt and hurting in the process. You previously read about me dating 2 people at the same time. Tilley & I lasted longer but broke up about a month ago. She was really angry about me ending that relationship. I was noticing the horrible things that people who dated me were saying so I traveled to livejournal to ponder. The review of each relationship since 2010 showed me that it's better for me not to be nice and to be less honest. Twice since 2010, there was a situation when I told someone I wasn't feeling them but they didn't hear it. My only rationale is that my tone was too soft and I was too nice. I'm not sure how to be mean when I say such things but "I think we should be friends" and "I don't love you" isn't forceful enough for anyone to listen to what I'm saying. Anywho, I'm on take 3.5 as I went on a date with Memphis last weekend. I've also fought with her since then. I have serious doubts on going back down that road but here I am. We'll see. It'll be nice if it works out but today's not a great day for finding optimism from me. I think I'm tired and have a massive to do list of important tasks-- energy drain, spirit drain.

Christmas: We're having our first that I remember family pot luck. My cousin and her mom now live together and wanted to host it. I love getting with my family. Always.

New Year's: no clue what I'll be doing

Work: Frustrating. Friday, I could honestly say I didn't want to be working there.

Church: I think I don't go 'cause I don't expect to find anywhere that I like and am fully accepted. Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll return to the Episcopal church and see how that goes.

Good night, friends.