another break up

* Full entry posted in livejournal. Sometimes, I just feel weird about all public content. Also feel weird about going to LJ as a primary posting spot. *

My heart aches, even as I know I asked her to leave.  I knew that change would be difficult, be sad, but I didn’t expect it to be so numbing. Words from loved ones have been reassuring but also a little embarrassing. I gave her a lot of time and patience because she asked me to. She said things would get better. She would change. She never had anyone to teach her before and she wanted to learn.  Now I question if it was largely a game to see how advantageous I could be for how long. 

I’ve come to a point where I think over relationships and question what things I can learn. I think I’m getting old, like my next serious relationship has to be the one or it’s over. Hahahahahahaha, right? Anyhow, lessons learned include:

11.       If you hear someone trying to borrow money from someone on your first date, run. Avoiding overhearing this early in the relationship is probably best.

22.      If you finding yourself saying, “our values are different” early on, walk away. Striving to find common ground or reasoning that the differences aren’t really that important isn’t worth it. One thing said to me (by a human) during the period when God was reassuring me left & right that she wasn’t the one is that you can stay with someone whose values are different for a year, but not for 5 years. We almost hit a year when I knew beyond doubt that we weren’t going to work. 

44.       I may need to be tougher on the financial requirements. Not sure how that would look. My current stance is I’m looking for a mate that can pay his or her bills, take care of his/her needs, and have $30 left each month to take me on a date. I think it’s pretty simple but multiple suitors have struck out on this requirement. So maybe I just need to do a better job of checking this requirement.

55.       There are some people with whom I instantly click. Our first conversation can easily be two, engaging hours. If this doesn’t happen with my date, two dates max should be allowed. I suspect the one I can spend forever with will be such a person. I don’t think it’ll be someone I have to get used to and get to know. I think they’ll intrigue me from the start. Maybe I’m intrigued because they’re a Gemini and not because we’re meant to be together but intrigue is a good start.

76.       People aren’t logical and methodical. Trying to end a relationship but be friendly is a challenge that usually isn’t accomplished in my experience. I do wonder if this is more problematic with black women than white women but even my friendship with Cindi ended over time.  I need to move forward with awareness that most people are going to act on emotion instead of logic so me trying to be reasonable, kind, and patient may not really be the best method since it’s not a solo project or experience. 

I don’t really regret letting her move in. I can see why some ppl might think I would or should but I don’t. I don’t know if it’s because I felt sincerely loved or because of some experience we had together. Maybe I just loved the frustrations—lol- but I doubt that. It could be because of the extent to which I opened myself up for this relationship. Maybe I needed to do that. I don’t regret August 2012 (move in). May 2012 (first date) maybe because using my “lessons learned” back then wouldn’t have allowed us to advance to this level. June & July 2013 maybe because I’d allowed some things to go on longer than kindness requires at that point. In retrospect, I realize that I didn’t help her by allowing her not to own up to some of her responsibilities. I question how much damage I did to myself by allowing it but know that no long term damage was sustained (I don’t think). I was more generous than I had to be and I’m grateful to myself for being that loving. Love in vein but loving nonetheless. 

I’m beginning to forgive. When I think about the essence of lying and the potential abyss of things I don’t know, disease grows. But when looking only at what is seen, I am okay. She packed and left without informing me she was going to move at that time. But she didn’t steal my stuff. She didn’t destroy anything. Thus far, to my knowledge, she hasn’t done anything strange online. All of these things can change but for now, nothing unforgiveable has occurred. Love, Peace.

I could tell you the details of what happened for Tammy to leave me but live tellings indicate that you'd be bored and go elsewhere. Instead, I will give you my hypotheses of why:

1. She didn't want to drive to Jackson so much

2. She had feelings for her ex and I asked her to stop talking to her b/c the girl (literally) threatened me

3. She didn't want to be with me so she said I didn't want to be with her and left

4. She didn't think it would work out so she left now instead of later when it would be more difficult

5. I'm unlovable

6. She thinks I should be with someone else, though this other person has not been identified. Related, it might be that she does not think she is "good" enough for me or the "right" person. She's told me many times she's not who I want.

7. Bad _ _ _, too much _ _ _, lack of _ _ _, adventurous _ _ _

Side question: If your vagina wore clothes, what would it wear?

8. I hurt her in the past, probably by hanging out with C last year, so she got deeper into my heart and hurt me. Revenge.

9. It was a game. It= our relationship. I don't get it.

10. I'm too old for her. Old=sick

sometimes i cry- eric benet

I heard this today on the radio. Wow.

the break up ends

We're not friends anymore. She hurt me as my girlfriend; she hurt me as my friend. There was too much anger and aggression. There were probably too many emotions. It was too soon for us, or perhaps it can never be. Maybe I can say hello in 6 months and everything will be okay; perhaps we'll see. What I know is that as I was crying out loud at 3am because of a conversation with a friend, knowing that I had to get up in a few hours for work, I realized she isn't worth all of this. I realized that I am worth more than repeatedly being there. I texted, "let's not be friends. We do that about as well as being gfriends." So here I am sad at 8:30am, eyes swollen, getting ready for work. I sometimes take shyt I shouldn't, but my hope is that I'm growing stronger, smarter, and more loving of self through these experiences. Cutting off someone that I love so deeply is me demonstrating that strength, sense, and love. Blessed be.