depressed (as an expression)

1. Trigger finger since November. Thumb hurt, could not bend.
2. Allergen elimination diet. You've heard how that sucks. It's not that bad when other stressors dont bear down.
3. Back to back medical appointments, like 12-16 medical appointments since December.
4. Surgery on right hand last Monday. Very, very limited use of right hand.
5. The newest, can this get any worse thing? Stomach virus

Can I just get a break and not have a medical issue? grrrr!

almost a mat

Tonight, my intention became to exercise for 15 minutes, just a little something to get me back? into the practice of something. I haven't been inactive lately. Tae kwon do, some supportive yoga, 2 nights per week or so at the gym. But I ache, I"m tired, and I'm just not well. Also, I'm in limbo on rather or not I am going to keep my gym membership. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor on rather or not she is going to grant me a handicap tag for my car. I'm not going to walk 25 stairs per night to exercise. Anyhow, my 15 minutes became 30 minutes, my 5 minute stint on the treadmill did not occur. Gentle stretch, gentle stretch, gentle stretch. A little yoga, a few sit ups, some breathing. It felt good.

Namaste.

today's experiencing of living with fibromyalgia

Today, I realized that I hate when people ask me something like, "what's wrong?" as in I know you are in pain but I don't understand why you feel so bad. Earlier today, the question I thought was, "How do you answer when someone asks you what's wrong" when what is wrong is a result of your fibromyalgia? I've tried, "well, you know, I have fibromyalgia" and the one word reply "pain," but those answers don't seem to be what they seek. Later, I realized that I don't too much care to come up with a satisfactory answer because they know I have fibromyalgia and they know I'm in pain when they ask. What do you want me to say? Is the question really just an acknowledgement that you know I'm having a bad day? Probably not for those that keep their eyes on me waiting for an understandable answer. Oh. It just occurred to me that maybe I should name everything that hurts when they ask; will that deter future occurrences of that conversation? This morning, it could have gone:
Staff: Look, there's that Amy coming in to work over 1 hour late and look! She's using a cane. Does she really need that cane?
Me: Good Morning. Click, step, step. Click, step, step. Click-- darn, it's hard to open doors when using a cane.
Staff: I hear you don't feel good. What's wrong?
Me: Snarling- My thighs, calves, back, and biceps hurt. I'm a level 10 on a scale of 1-10 but only because 10 is where the scale ends. It's really much worse. How are you?

That mock answer doesn't even seem to begin to express what today was like for me. And did you notice that I had my cane? It was its first public appearance. It was more embarrassing that humbling; I'll still have to work on "humility". I noticed that I looked down a lot as I walked and suspect that was because of embarrassment and not wanting to see others looking at me or wondering why, not because looking down when walking makes the process easier. Although I love when cars stop so I can cross under normal circumstances, I don't like it with the cane. I move much slower and feel the need to rush. Imagine crazy (young) granny flying across the street, stick in hand. But, those people were kind. I fully acknowledge that. I'd prefer to be invisible and left alone when having a day such as today. Except Susan can see me. She's angel-like. She doesn't give me those looks; she knows.

I went to work because one of my 3 people that have to move in 30 days or less, against their will, had an appointment with Town and Country property management this morning. My plan was to transport him, be back in my office by noon, then go to the doctor. Damn, people always catch me. So, I left for Physcian Quality Care at 1:45 pm and ended up missing my 4pm dental appointment (rescheduled for tomorrow). My hope was PQC 1-3:30, dentist at 4. PQC rocked! They offer you beverages, laptops, movies, and cable TV in the exam rooms. But, it took me over 2 hours to check in and be seen. But then the doc gave me muscle relaxers (thank God! It's been a tough few weeks) and loratab. My pain went from more than a 10 to a 9 today so the level of pain did diminish significantly. But who wants to spend a day at a 9?

I'm satisfied with my actions today. I pushed, pushed, pushed to get in the office for someone else because I told him I'd be there. I sought medical care because it was time. I'm headed to bed because rest is what I've really wanted most of the day. I realize that being out of it today jeopardizes so much of my plans for the rest of the week. I must remember that when things go undone, it is because of good reason. Ciao.

P.S.- I tried that thing where I breath in the pain and suffering of others and breathed out something good. I suck at that.

today's pain

Today is not a day that I am proud of. An ever-present challenge/goal of mine is to not allow fibromyalgia interfere with my commitments to my clients. Well, that's a hard thing to keep when one can't walk. I hate when this happens! I feel so cripple and limited. I was supposed to take someone to the Dollar General at 9:30am. I promise I got up to honor that commitment but I can't get there. If it doesn't happen today, we can't do it next week because of his schedule. I don't know how to accelerate my healing. I did an epson salt and baking soda soak last night. Tramaddol really does nothing for me. I can add tylenol, muscle relaxers, trauma oil or bengay but the risk of being too sleepy or drugged to drive comes into play the more of that stuff I take.

Last night, I cried in bed because of the pain. One lady in my Mphs chronic support pain group used music to soothe her when things were especially bad. I tried to groove to Goddess and She but that did nothing for the pain. Eventually, I focused on my belly and gratitude for it not hurting. I expressed gratitude for fat as every muscle some joints from ankle to shoulder seemed to be in pain. And I had already taken trammadol before bed. I consented to taking tylenol because I knew the pain wasn't going anywhere with the way it was. Then I woke up every 2 hours throughout the night.

This morning, I questioned if I would be able to walk for the 3rd time in a week due to the pain I felt when I first got out of bed. This time, unlike the others, I couldn't walk to the living room to get to the trammadol. It took me 45-60 to get from my bedroom to my living room, with a detour to the kitchen for water and food. It hurts to stand but I can do it. Walking elevates the pain and I can't take it. Does that make me a punk? I feel like such a quitter when I have to throw in the towel and admit defeat. I'll probably spend much of the day in bed or on the coach doing things I can do from one location but the _UCKING PAIN. I can't get rid of it and it keeps bringing me to tears. When I called in to work (3 ppl), everyone thought I sounded sick. That's the effing pain, maine. i'm not coughing. My nose has been bleeding for 2 weeks but I don't have the sick leave to see a doctor. blah. I tried going to the Little Clinic (Kroger) in Mphs but they wouldn't see me bc of my symptoms. darn. There's an after hours clinic here too. I need to get info on how to be seen there. Today's illness symptoms is cutting into the vacation time I'm trying to save for CA. If I only had a wheelchair....

I'm so sleepy.........................



EDIT I regained the ability to walk short distances around 4 o'clock. Now the disordered day is being topped with a migraine. Again, computer light is especially troubling. My screen is dimmed as low as it can go. However, the nausea is increasing again so goodbye.

life in 4 pics

This year, I have new types of items for the Art for Hope fundraiser art fair. I'm quite excited to present my first magnets and bookmarks:


I plan to make these magnets too:






















Also, there is new reading:


I'm enjoying the Gita, though I've read less than 1 chapter. It was awkward at first, but now I see it in light of Life and Christian Scripture. It's beautiful for the most part.

There is so much to be done before the Nov 3 art show. So much, so much, so much. I guess this weekend will bring cards, magnets, and more bookmarks?

I stopped dating Memphis. I did like her but I did not like the drama of the two of us as such. We still talk daily but now 1-2x per day instead of 3-4x. I suspect the decision to leave a romantic us alone was a good idea.

All week, I've been way too sleepy. Tonight, I will be in bed by 9pm. I quit the allergen elimination diet but I do have an appointment to talk to a doctor on Monday about a food sensitivity test, the ALCAT.

a medical update, apparently

Friday, I went to the doctor. She's proud of me. I'm indifferent to that. I don't feel well. I'm holding on to the allergy-elimination diet by a thin thread.Tomorrow, I'm going to introduce dairy, even though my pain isn't totally gone. Tuesday or so, I was pain free. By Thursday, pelvis pain had kicked back in. If dairy is a trigger, it should probably intensify the pelvic and definitely set off other signals of "an allergy". I decided to bring it in just a few moments ago. It's my next step at trying to hold on to the diet. Dr. Murphree said you can bring dairy in after 2 weeks of being in the control phase. I'm going to obey. Adding dairy will be me progressing through the steps and not just willing myself not to eat that. Half an hour ago, I was singing, "I have food, Hallelujah, I have food...." I imagine myself to be similar to someone in a starving nation or a homeless American that doesn't eat at soup kitchens or have a viable income. "What will I eat next?" is often on my mind. That's probably not healthy and is probably why Dr. Murphree advices that ppl not perform the allergy elimination diet before doing the steps of his jump start program that will give them better sleep. I guess I'm hard-headed. I thought I was stronger than he thinks I am. When we spoke on the phone, he told me he thinks I'm barely holding on, though I might not yet realize it. Well, I realize it now, Dr. Murphree. And?

I went to Maple Leaf Health Food store after my doctor's appointment to pick up my new "meds". Dr. Murphree recommends starting with 50 mg of 5-HTP but she only had it in 100mg. Add to that, Dr. Murphree seems to be the only person that thinks it's okay to take it and Cymbalta at the same time. Both increase serotonin levels and too much serotonin is a bit dangerous. My doctor forbade me from discontinuing Cymbalta but wrote a prescription for a lower dose. Maybe it + the tiny level of HTP will be okay and maybe even increase my sleep? I do hate that Dr. Creech isn't familiar with even the popular herbal remedies/drugs so she can't offer much of an opinion on whether or not I take something. Well, she did recommend that I basically add nothing so I can clearly tell what's a result of the diet. I've started taking an adrenal supplement, vitamin B complex, and vitamin C to hopefully improve my adrenal health. I also agreed to exercise at least 15 minutes most days- increasing my practice around 45 minutes per week. There doesn't seem to be much room for lifestyle change for adrenal health in my opinion. Sleep? I do that. I'm making a conscious effort to be headed to sleep by 10pm to ensure that I get 9 hours of sleep each night. Before, I'd go to bed between 10 & 11pm. Naps? No time. I guess I can strive to take at least 1 nap per weekend, but I don't know how effective that one nap will be. I get home around 5pm and go to bed at 10. Taking a nap during that block of time during the week just seems silly. Moderate exercise? Check. 3 days per week. As previously noted, I'm increasing that a tiny bit. High protein? Of course! I like meat, not vegetables, and this allergy elimination diet has taken away most anything else I would eat, which leads me to less carbs-- possible, but not at this moment. It's something I'll have to be aware of once I've tested each group on the elimination diet. I don't think I'm going to have much bread in my future though. Then there's the vitamin additions. I've been taking B complex and C for a week now. I just picked up the adrenal supplement on Friday. Wouldn't it be nice to feel a difference in only 2 weeks? The lady at Maple Leaf told me she felt better after a year of treatment and great 3 years later. Great. I'm barely hanging on to my 12 month commitment to kick fibromyalgia's ass. 3 years down the road? whatever. I'll almost be at the point where I can apply for SSDI. A bright note: Maple Leaf apparently sells my favorite foods to buy from Whole Foods. Yea! I don't have to drive so far for pizza crust now.

The doctor noted that I've lost weight. I figure it's because I'm always hunting for food (I can't literally say that I'm starving. I'm not and I'm grateful for that. In my mind, however, I'm going to starve because there are so few food options.). The doctor is proud of me for trying focused and bold things (my words, not hers) to feel better. I do appreciate that, I guess. I just don't feel the self- pride. I feel sleepy and "hungry".

On sleep, I was zonked by 6pm probably 4 days this week and gone by 8 the remaining days. boo.

I'm not sure that this post was going to be all about my health when I started typing it but that definitely seems to be what it is. That's an interesting thing about blogs and blogging to me. They take on a life of their own (if you let them).

Namaste.

health summary, washer/dryer drama

My body is failing me. Whenever I bend over, I have extreme pain in my calf muscles. Can you imagine how it feels not to have the strength and energy to bend over to turn on the water hose? Yesterday, I got off the phone with Tammy around 9pm (my resolve not to speak to her at all lasted less than 2 days) and instantly went to sleep. Silly me, apparently already sleepy enough not to fully execute the sense that I have, thought that if I laid there, even if I drifted to sleep, I would wake up during the night and shower. Has anyone not told me that A.J. can sleep like a mofo? 6:30am, the alarm went off, I growled as I still wasn't ready to wake up. 7ish, I was out of the bed and moving around to get ready for work. I knew I'd be late today. I pulled off at 7:45, which means I was in my office by 8. Wow.


At work today, I had a realization about why I don't like to exercise.... I don't get better. When I was in undergrad, I exercised and over time was able to lift more weight and walk faster than before over time. Now, every day is like day 1. For the first time ever, it occurred to me that maybe that's not my fault. Do others with fibro notice this inability, or great difficulty, to grow and push further in their exercise? One of my current goals is to walk 30 minutes at 4.0 (i.e., 2 miles in 30 minutes). I inched up my walk speed .1 yesterday, something I've been debating on my ability to do. I've been barely hanging on as is. I'm a weakling.

In other news, a man that talks to himself while he works fixed my washer and dryer today. My mom bought them from my cousins moving to Vegas but they have been like a migraine since they got to my house a little over a week ago. They were hooked up. I put in vinegar and water as a test/clean cycle and went to my "gym" to try my new-to-me treadmill. When I came up for water in the middle of the workout, I found my laundry room, kitchen, and part of my living room flooded. Damn. Money will be paid out for damage. I tried to fix things where the washer wouldn't leak but nothing that I tried worked. Refusing to go unnoticed, teh dryer arrived with a 4-prong ending, but my wall can only take 3. I went to Lowe's to find out how to remedy the situation and returned home with a 3-prong cord. My landlord had someone change out the cords while he was hear checking out the ruined copy and the message that I was sent was, "it doesn't work". I don't know what that means. I threw some of my towels wet from mopping up the floor into it and they dried. Eventually, I looked for help with my units. I called that liar, Shane, that installed my previous washer and dryer. I offered to miss work to suit his schedule. He told me he'd come Friday evening; he never came, called, or texted. Monday, I went through the phone book looking for help and there I found my Talks to Himself Angel. AAA would have also fixed it but it would have cost twice as much as I paid. I've done a test run-- no water in my floor. Praises Be!

Other exciting news: I have the DHEA of a 85 year old and my cortisol levels are shot. I think that means I'm sleepy, depressed, and incapable of handling stress. Also, perhaps I have cold hands and feet, low blood pressure, and some other things that don't sound like me. Another term: adrenal fatigue. That's why I took the saliva test that reported this data in the first place. I'm taking vitamin C and a B complex vitamin to treat this but don't know for sure that my body absorbs vitamins yet. No wonder I'm so darn tired. A funny? I feel much worse now than I did when I took the test but my DHEA barely registered on my testing date. Let's visualize where my level is now-- unless there's little variation in DHEA readings.

Having the fibro monster win and boss me around is a daunting thought. I'll respond to it now by eating popcorn. Ciao!

medical note to self

The pain and insomnia have come together. Is this usually the case?

preliminary decisions, preliminary actions (part 1)

Today, I've had 4 Tylenol, 1 Trammadol, 1 BC Powder, used Watkin's linament and still I have pain. Things leaving my diet: dairy, gluten, yeast, wheat, sugar, & aspartame. Dairy because I've talked to a couple of people with theories on why it would exasperate pain. I never reintroduced it when doing my experiment last year so I have no clue how it affects me. Maybe I'll find out this time around. It was hard to conceptualize removing dairy in this heat until I remembered soy cream. Cool and refreshing.

Sugar- well, I can't say anything more than I plan to limit this category. That should have been obvious when I mentioned soy (ice) cream. lol. Sugar raises yeast levels and yeast was part of the block of things that raised my pain last year.

Gluten, yeast, and wheat were the block of items that increased my pain last year. Once I dropped the diet, they didn't seem to elevate the pain the way I thought they would but in the artificial setting, yes. Perhaps removing them again will help my pain levels drop and become more controllable.

Aspartame- eh. It's said to be bad for us in so many ways. It was also one of the first things I heard was linked to pain. I tried removing it without removing other things once and it didn't make a difference so I don't know how much of a trigger it is. But, as with all things, if other pain triggers were in my diet while this pain trigger was removed, I'd still feel pain and not recognize aspartame as a trigger.

These guidelines were in my head as I went grocery shopping this afternoon. Nitrates allow the possibility of frozen meals. No dairy or gluten seemed to remove that possibility. I have to remember how to eat again. I remember fruit (and corn chips) being my save so I made a large fruit salad today: mango, pineapple, apples, oranges, and grapes. I hope not to consume so many chips this time. Chips are one of my major diet weaknesses. I thought my allowances would allow for a variety in chip type since chips are made from potatoes and I'm okay with nightshades this time around. Nope. Dairy is oh so prominent. If I keep looking, I might find some options but it didn't work out for me today. Plain is an option. Plain is not my favorite. I paid too much for a brown rice chip for work. We'll see how that tastes.

Despite mentally trying to (plan to) live under these new guidelines, I've already screwed up. I bought ingredients so I can make spaghetti forgetting my spaghetti is "good" in that it is whole wheat but not appropriate in that it is not gluten free. * sigh* There's 3 days of gluten and wheat for me but it also gave me the realization that I need to prepare a Whole Foods list for when I'm in Memphis next weekend. Except I also need to curb my spending. We'll see what happens. I'm doing a little more meal preparation now that I'm teaching myself to eat vegetables. Oh. I hadn't told you that. I made potato and leek soup two weeks ago as part of my try a new vegetable initiative. I bought the Food Lovers Weight Lost System but failed because it wants me to eat vegetables (green, purple, orange) twice a day. Proior to receiving the material, I thought I could get away with using fruit as my slow carb. Strawberries are about the only slow carb fruit I eat apparently. New goal: Eat at least 4 servings of slow carb veggies each week. If I can build up a tolerance for those foods, perhaps I can give Robert Ferguson's system another try one day. I do like the concept and seem to lose 2lbs a week using his week 1 guidelines (minus slow carbs) so I'm giving up my right to a refund and looking at what good I can get out of the info. Next up to make myself: yams. I've had them. I mostly don't like them. I like how a local restaurant, Royal Reeds, makes them. Maybe I can make something tasty too?

Some joys of having nitrates, nightshade plants, and caffeine in my diet this time around:
1. I can eat Nathan's hot dogs. They are SO good on the grill. And I bought some pecan roasted beef sausages that look divine. I can't wait to try them.
2. I can drink wine. It tends to contain nitrates so I had to abstain the first time around.
3. I can eat french fries.
4. I can have salsa with my tortilla chips.
5. Oh Lord, I hope there are more....

Here's my new beginning on controlling my food intake to control my pain level. I'm looking for someone to experience this with me. Are you down?

chronic fatigue

This is affirming (I don't think that's the right word, but I've been battling brain fog for 3 weeks now): http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201105/the-stigma-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-ii-readers-respond

The experiences with the doctors remind me of the experiences I have with people. This week (last week?), I barely made it through my work days. I came home and went to bed by 6pm. I slept until the phone rang or American Idol came on. I showered. I went back to bed. Wednesday, I reached a low in spirit; Thursday, I got a break and started to feel better. Friday, I was still on the up swing so I stayed up until 11pm or so cleaning in hopes of getting to Memphis before Sunday to appease my girl. Saturday, I paid for it. My body reminded me that I am not healthy and I am not in control. I had somewhere to be by 10:30am Sat so I drug myself out of bed around 9. I made my two errands, I went back to bed. I slept for 2.5 hours, again woken by the phone, then I went to the laundromat. That 90 minutes of activity wiped me out but because of the late hour, I decided to stay up until 8 and then sleep for the rest of the day. My evening consisted of things I could do while sitting, as I didn't have the energy to much more. This morning, I slept longer than able if I planned to go to church. I wanted to go visit a church; I didn't go visit a church. And here I am sleepy post breakfast, needing to get ready to hop on the road. I'm starting to fear I-40 more and more as it really isn't safe to let me drive like this.

Explaining this experience to the normals doesn't go so well. They tell me they get tired too. Like this? Where you are too tired to eat and sleep for 12+ hours each day? Where you can't remember anything especially once you "wake up" from the cloud and realize you have no idea what's happened the previous 5 days? Do the normals struggle with the shame of calling in sick and then explaining that the sickness is fatigue? Do the normals stay at work knowing they are "sick as a dog" but refusing to look like less by going home? I can't imagine their experience being like mine but since I can't remember being normal, what do I know? All I know is that I am viewed as weak for giving in to the fatigue. I know that people like to tell me to exercise and I'll get over the fatigue. Really? I can't stand and clean my kitchen for 10 minutes but you want me to start an exercise program? Nevermind that I exercised 3 times the week before this fatigue period took control. I just need to push through, exercise some more. The lady in the article is right. People tend to view us as just lazy. People assume that I never exercise and that's why exercise will make me well. I exercise more than most of the ppl that say that shyt but look, it hasn't helped.

And then there's the relationship piece. Where are the posts and articles about how chronic fatigue and chronic pain f_ck up one's love life? Tammy has been so great to me concerning the pain but I don't know if she can understand the fatigue. Sometimes, I seem to just sleep all the time. Now, I disappoint because I didn't push through the things I need to do and hop on the road sooner than I planned. She hung up on me last night. Disappointment. Shame. I wish I was stronger. I think my strength made me sick. Life is showing me that I don't control shit. Here I am, less than 90 minutes up from a 12 hour sleep, ready to crawl into bed again. Good luck to you on seizing the day.

EDIT: Tammy didn't literally hang up on me (i.e., in the way typically thought of as hanging up). I called her. She didn't like what she heard. She said, "okay. I'm gonna let you get back to what you were doing". Click. The conversation lasted less than 10 minutes and I called her. Why would I need to get back to what I was doing? Hence, my "hung up" expression.

This week has been one of those periods where I feel like a failure and disgrace in so many ways. I've been so tired that I've lived in a constant brain fog the past few days. I've been so sleepy that I haven't cleaned or exercised all week. But I did watch American Idol. How funny is that? Yesterday, I came home and napped. I set the alarm for 6:50 so I could watch American Idol. I've become quite the avid viewer these past fews week but surprisingly have little preference concerning who wins. I think I reached my limit last night when the pain started to seep away from my body as I lay and sought sleep. Maybe it's true that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I still think I was a poor choice for fibromyalgia but at least I get breaks being the weak kid. Today, things were better. I'm not 100% but I'm so much better than I was. I still don't trust my body. A co-worker told me about a $10 walking wine tour but I fear what trying something like that would do to me right now. I cleaned for 30 minutes but felt my energy wane so I found other ways to be productive and satisfied. I've gotten rid of 3 items since my last stuff reduction note.

Upcoming plans:
- Spend way too much in Memphis over the next 6 weeks. I go this week for a doctor's appointment. I have a training there the second weekend in June, Father's Day is the week after that, and then comes my birthday. I love my Tammy. I love my family. I don't love the drive. I've been so f* up that 5 hour energy isn't even upping me for the 80 min ride.

Umm, that's it for tonight. So much in my heart but so little to actually say.

christmas-ish update, jackson progress

Yesterday was Christmas. My sister & her 5 kids are in town. I slept over my mom's Christmas Eve so I could be part of Christmas morning with them. We woke up at 6am. I paid for it later. I started getting sleep around noon but we were supposed to leave to go to Ne-Ne's at 12:30. At the dinner, I was zonked. I asked my sister to drop me to get my car so I could go home and sleep (5:30). I didn't wake until 8:45pm when my Tam Tam called.

Christmas gifts were awesome. An electric blanket from Tammy, a new camera and VCR/DVD from mom, pajamas from my sister, binoculars from my dad. I'm a happy Christmas girl. I learned that Chris is quite the photographer/film maker. I posted one of his videos to facebook.

Tonight, we're celebrating Allyson's birthday. No time has been set for the party. Popcorn, cupcakes, and movies. I plan to take Tammy so she can meet my babies.

In a few days, I guess I'm going to Nashville. Tammy showed no interest in doing something for New Year's and I'm not keen on being at home doing nothing so I contacted people I know. They don't live in Memphis. At this moment, I don't care much about going. I'm sleepy and a little sad about the idea of not spending New Year's with Tammy. The Nashville plan is nice though. 2-3 parties in one night, a drag show at Play the second night, and watching people swim in the freezing cold in between. It just sounds tiring right now. I don't want to disappoint my crew by not going though. We'll see how it goes.

Monday, I'm planning to go to Jackson to view a few housing options. Shun's going with me. I'm still waiting on VA to officially offer me the job. I don't like how long this is taking. My paperwork is in. Weekend cleaning let me find my online training url. yea! more updates as more updates come.

joys and concerns

I am really angry this morning. I am here and listening to Christian worship music trying to shrug it off. I have been trying to work the anti-inflammatory diet for about 6 weeks now but have not received the relief I crave. I have not been great about working the plan. In the beginning, I'd give myself a B- on success. Lately, I've been better but I still haven't overcame the damage I did to my body during the east coast trip. It physically hurts me to walk from my apartment to the dumpster now. Every day, I wake up stiff and achy. I'm bent over from it all but straighten up as I walk. To top off the fibromyalgia, I'm having issues with my wrists and shoulders that my doctor thinks is due to carpel tunnel syndrome. Thank God I get to have a nerve conduction study done Monday to test that theory and move forward with the treatment piece. Since my work trip/vacation, Tammy has been complaining that I moan in my sleep throughout the night. Pain? I effin hurt and I'm tired of it. I'm not gonna lie and say I've been living with a level 8 pain these past 6 weeks but fucking with my ability to live my life (e.g., go to the dumpster) is what pisses me off the most about pain. My pelvis hurts. My legs just scream of pain from time to time, like when I lay in bed to go to sleep. Fuck you fibromyalgia. Fuck you capel tunnel syndrome. Fuck you body for working counter to science and not really caring about my changed diet or resumed slow and easy exercising, trying to build you back up. Oh how I want ability back..........

blah. I put it out there but don't feel much better for it. I took trammadol at 6:30am hoping to feel better when I really got up (9:30am)-- didn't work. Hold on-- going to add Tylenol to that formula.

A former roommate taught me how to know which oils are good for me and my issues according to someone she knows. Close your eyes and hold the bottle. If you sway forward, it's for you. If you fall backwards, it's not. Cool, huh? Well, I bought eucalyptus oil based on that premise and she won't mail it to me. That urks me too. Yes I left it but I offered to pay for her to send it to me; what else can I do? It's approaching 2 months of my gluten free cooking magazine (which would be quite helpful), my oil that I hope will relief some pain and is also said to help with sinus issues, my incense that I think smells divine, relaxing, Trammadol which is/was quite important to me, and clothing somehow missed have been trapped at her house. I know she's sick too but it's been long enough that I think it's etching past the patience thing. Plus, she ignored my first voicemail, e-mail, and text inquiring about the status of my things being mailed to me. urg. I was hopeful for them when I purchased those things. Now they are becoming a distant memory, something I won't have to help me in my journey. I do know of an overpriced coffee house that sells the incense and can probably get the oil at Whole Foods. I guess I can rebuild those hopes. * sigh * And yes, I know it's my fault for leaving them and yes, I'm grateful that she contacted me to let me know they were there as I had been searching my place for them.

The good in life? I interviewed for 2 different positions at VA hospital this past week and a half. I especially think the first one went well. My answers were strong at the second one but I wrote down the wrong interview time on my calendar and arrived 15 minutes later than really scheduled (15 min. earlier than what I thought). By this time next month I'm hoping to know whether or not I'm finally in. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. The committe for the home-based care was really warm; they seem like a good team to work with. I'm not as sure about the HUD VASH Social Workers. I like them; I'm just getting nervous. When I thought about accepting the home care position if offered both, my spirit told me that's not my passion. Yes, I can do it but it's not my passion. The HUD position will challenge me as my load will be people that are chronically homeless. That's a special load there, especially since they're looking at those that have been continuously homeless for 1 year or more. The other definition of chronically homeless is 5 or more episodes in 3 years. Okay. That's jacked up but they're showing some resilicency by being housed sometimes. lol. They're gonna set me up with addicts and unmedicated mentally ill people. I really don't know how I'll fare there. But I don't think I can back down. I entered my field dedicted to working with people that are homeless. I started with homeless singles, non-addicted, moved to homeless families, am working with homeless addicts; VASH will just take me up one notch. I have long said I need experience working with the various sub-populations within homelessness. Well here I go. In their homes once they get them. It'll be a cool position. I'll get to give Section 8 (HUD VASH) vouchers to veterans, help them get moved in, and follow them for case management. I'll be working in permanent housing, ya'll. Yea! We'll see.

Pictures from my work trip/vacation:

I got to be in the store for about 2 minutes but it was quite exciting. I bought a window cling. My co-workers waited outside.




Patti Labelle concert the last night of the Catholic Charities conference. Awesome. Wished she was on stage longer but she was great.

Yea for seeing Ingrid, a LaGrange College friend.

And yea for meeting newer family members. This is my cousin Rodesha's daughter. She's one awesome chick.

NY planning

Dag blasted! I'm supposed to go to New York on Wednesday and ya know what I was planning to do? Go to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Guess what?! F_cking fibromyalgia! I can't. I'd have to walk up 354 steps. Even if I could physically do that over say, 5 hours, I don't have the humility and patience to see what the experience of taking hours to get somewhere would be like. Plus, I'd be in gops of pain the next day. fuck you fibromyalgia! This is one big F you to U. Grrr!

thoughts between consciousness and sleep

I feel like I'm dying. I ache all over; it's bad enough that it wakes me up while I'm asleep. Until it's time to wake up. It took me 90 minutes to get up this morning (i.e., 90 minutes after my alarm first went off. I don't even remember those first 10 beeps or whatever). During the day, I mostly want to sleep. During that time just before waking when I have "deep" thoughts, it's occurred to me that I'd quit my job if I could afford to because I feel like shyt. More realistic, I'd take a week off if I wasn't supposed to go to GA this week. It'd look bad for me to take today and tomorrow off because I'm sick, then go to GA for 3 days. I'm thinking of asking my doctor to put me on short term medical leave if I don't feel better soon but there are several important things going on at work that I can't walk away from. This is one reason I want a simpler job. I'm treating myself like crap to get the work done but in the end, there's only me. This is the kind of shyt that got me sick in the first place. I wish I could do it all over. I wish I could have this job but not put it first so maybe then I wouldn't be so sick.

off to get dressed now....

whining

Why are the fibro monsters attacking me? I don't understand. I was being good and following the anti-pain webmd diet when suddenly, my calf muscle went mad during my morning stretch and I spent the next 4 hours unable to stand on my right leg. For weeks now, I've been sleeping like 15 hours at a time 'cause my body thinks it's about time for it to pass out. Surely I am doing too much now but I have so many things to do; what else am I to do? SO MUCH to do at work, things piling up and adding themselves to my to do list including the pending audit. A leisurely 7 hour drive to GA on Wednesday to see my old college mates. Getting things together for next month's art show, applying for the same job at 3 different locations, and why not add being social to the top of this mountain? My fingers, wrists, thighs, back, feet, elbows, and calf muscles hurt and I'm SLEEPY. I'm not used to being here anymore. I don't have time for this ish. I feel close to incompetent and like the mean mama to myself. Let this all pass soon.I hate fibro most for the things it takes from me. You evil bitch, fibromyalgia.