My Welcoming to Lent

I noticed Lent in college. I worked at a video store and heard person after person talk about what they are giving up for Lent. Why? I'm not sure I ever received an answer to that or even asked the question. To an extent, I think I ask that question of myself today. Why do I choose to celebrate Lent?

For me, Lent is a time to examine my life and consider something I can do to walk more as Jesus walked, more as God would have me to be. It is a time of self-reflection and six weeks to commit to communing with God. Perhaps this desire to walk more like Jesus is why I often add more to my life instead of giving up an item-- I've given up a piece of my laziness before. This year, my heart cries because it's been a long-time since continuous communion. There's been time of learning and defending as so many people like to pinpoint queerdom as "the great sin". There's been time of self-doubt because maybe everyone is right and trying to have a relationship with God is just a waste of my time. I can't change my sexual orientation so which of the two things must I discard? There's been time of church hopping, looking for a church home but failing to find a body that practices fierce love and fierce truth. Lately, there's just hopelessness. Rock Bridge was the last church home I had and maybe it's the last church home I will have. Hopelessness is why I've visited less than 12 churches despite 23 months of living in this city. I wrestle with rather or not I want to again explore paganism. It seems to be a religion of such great love. Part of me gravitates to it while the other part cries for the love of Abba and cries from the idea of being torn of my religion of origin, my religion of choice. Fellowshipping with pagans would be choosing something else but choosing only because I am unwanted in my Father's house. The hope of other Christian-Pagans is a weak hope drowned by the large number of Pagan-Pagans, Jesus being far far on the back burner of the overall church.

This Lent, I will go to church. That simple agreement seems so simple and inadequate compared to goals related to taking better care of my Mother's earth or Her temple (me). Going to church is what I use to do weekly, or at least regularly. Where's the sacrifice? The sacrifice is in abandoning all excuses for not being there. The challenge is in facing the hatred, insecurity, and hopelessness that keeps me inside most Sunday mornings.

I've considered giving up my resolve of finding an open and affirming or at least non-condemning church in order to have a body. I've considered starting a community group as a way of being part of a body of believers. Right now, I just commit to show up. 6 Sundays or so, right?

Today, I went to City Fellowship. It was my 3rd visit  since being in Jackson. Homework to self is to listen to last week's podcast to see if it sheds lights on the church's handling of homosexuality. The passage was apparently Romans 1. I enjoyed today's sermon; it was the most grabbing of the ones I've heard there. I love their music. The people seem like people I could like in real life. I glean the church has a pro-life stance but I might be able to just differ from them on that; I don't think it's a deal breaker for me. While being there today, boldly seeking the face of the Lord, I did have one revelation: I need to volunteer again. I've gotten into the routine of work, exercise, other extra-curriculars (so to speak) but nothing that consistently pushes me to do for others beyond what I do at work. I care hard at work and am grateful for being in this field but in ways, I'm just a sitter. I need to get back involved. Dining and drinking with politically aware liberals is insufficient... and useless. Helping until 4:30 will not do. The joy I've gotten when doing something for men that are experiencing homeless after hours-- that's something I need to bring back into my life. The Word of God for a person of God. Thanks be to God.

Life recently- Religion

The pagans have invited me in their circle and that brings me joy! It also makes me nervous. It seems like a significant step away from my rearing and current practice. They haven't actually acknowledged it as a pagan group though. I first heard of this group by name last month. When I asked what it was, I was told it was a women's spirituality group. Later, it's name was sent to me through e-mail. I googled it and hit pagan things. I don't remember the group's name. As my sister thinks she was born to be pentecostal, I may have been born to be pagan. After all, it was number 2 on my beliefnet survey (Unitarian Universalist was number 1). Okay, so I'm not going to the group once I get the invite in order to become pagan. The invitation came about as I expressed the desire to dance around in the woods in a circle... naked. I've never found pagans to be evangelical so I don't imagine anyone will try to convert me. I imagine I can be pagan and Christian at once; the world needs more of us ('cause those pesky traditional Christians by and large- gish!). I gave up on paganism my first 'bout with it because (1) I found a Christian church that I liked and (2) There was a lot of new stuff to learn + there was no one to baby feed me. I guess that's one advantage of Christianity. You can find 1001 people to introduce you to basic beliefs, beneficial texts, etc.

The invitation came up in book club. I squeeled all night in my sleep. Yes, there is the conflict between the beliefs of "the pagan" (pretend that means something in particular) and the beliefs of my mom. Mostly, I just wouldn't want my family to know I had my toe in the other's waters. That scares me more than coming out as bisexual to them. It scares me just to have them know I don't think a person has to be a "Christian" to go to heaven. (I'm not saying they necessarily know that)

Why is the invitation so exciting? (1) I think that pagans do a beautiful job of demonstrating unconditional love. I would be honored to be part of a community such as that. (2) I long for unconditional love. Perhaps I have some of it, but I can always do with more. (3) The stars, the sky, the air. There is so much there. Here is a group that looks to it. (4) The love and respect of nature that runs through this group. (5) The understanding that there is wisdom in nature. (6) Better access to tarot reading and other divination. (7) It is a religion that fully accepts lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgender individuals. I no longer have to tip toe through the religious web to check to see if I'm okay at that venue. There's no longer the need for places to identify as open and affirming. It just is. (8) The news isn't full of incidents of proclaimed pagans being idiots and assholes. I really do have a hard time loving and respecting my Christian neighbor. I have a harder time being known by the same label as him and her. (9) I am a Cancer-Scorpio. That is important to me. Perhaps here I can learn to better understand why. Now, it's more like something deeply ingrained in my soul. Water. (10) Drums! (11) Woods! (12) Mead!? (13) Dancing in circles in the woods and in other outdoor places with or without clothing (14) Past deeply meaningful religious/spiritual experiences in pagan spaces. And there are more reasons. There are also hesitations: (1) There's an implied conflict between Christianity and paganism. I don't wish to give up one for the other. I simply wish to learn more about myself and God and grow using both paths. There will be language and thought barriers on both sides of that fence. (2) Frankly, it's gonna be one more reason to think I'm going to hell. God hates fags. I bet he hates pagans too. (3) I can't promise I'll walk away from all potentially dangerous situations I'm on the edge of. I'm adventurous. What's to keep me bound? (This is more an observation than a true hesitation 'cause why not jump off the cliff? It'll be fun on the way down. I just hope I die when I hit the ground if I'm not gonna get up 100% or more normal compared to how I was before the jump.)

Or maybe the group isn't pagan. Maybe it's just a woman's spiritual group. Maybe they just like to dance in circles. Maybe it's like Unitarian Universalist in a home. That'll also be good.

Blessed be.


P.S.- Rereading this before the publish, it occurs to me that I sound a lot like those that I mourn-- people (lgbt) that leave Christianity for paganism because the pagans treat them better. Right now, I really don't plan to "leave" it. I just plan to grow more into me, however eclectic that is. Jesus was an awesome example then, now, and forever more.