whining

Why are the fibro monsters attacking me? I don't understand. I was being good and following the anti-pain webmd diet when suddenly, my calf muscle went mad during my morning stretch and I spent the next 4 hours unable to stand on my right leg. For weeks now, I've been sleeping like 15 hours at a time 'cause my body thinks it's about time for it to pass out. Surely I am doing too much now but I have so many things to do; what else am I to do? SO MUCH to do at work, things piling up and adding themselves to my to do list including the pending audit. A leisurely 7 hour drive to GA on Wednesday to see my old college mates. Getting things together for next month's art show, applying for the same job at 3 different locations, and why not add being social to the top of this mountain? My fingers, wrists, thighs, back, feet, elbows, and calf muscles hurt and I'm SLEEPY. I'm not used to being here anymore. I don't have time for this ish. I feel close to incompetent and like the mean mama to myself. Let this all pass soon.I hate fibro most for the things it takes from me. You evil bitch, fibromyalgia.

pain update

I am on day 5 of eating white flour, sugar, gluten, etc. It might hurt. Saturday, I couldn't go back to sleep after I took my early morning restroom break because of the pain. Eventually, I got up to take ibuprofen 800 and moved around a bit to stretch my parts and give the med time to start working. When I woke up, I could still feel the pain in my back and thighs but obviously, it was mild enough to allow me to sleep. Six hours after ibu, I took tramadoll. I had a wedding to attend and photograph and I wanted to be as comfortable as possible during that process. I'm beginning to reach the point where I'm not afraid of my ability to function on tramadoll. I've taken it 4 or 5 times and seem to respond fine to it. Like usual, I can drive on narcotics, no problem. It quieted the pain but it didn't go away. Yesterday was a reminder of old times. I hurt all day, the question was how much was I hurting at a given point in time. Right now, my back hurts (but thankfully, that's it). I'll keep watching and see how it goes. The strange thing about reintroducing whites is I'm used to meal planning around them. Now, I have to intentionally incorporate them-- no Amy, it's okay to have bread with your "sandwich" today.

a basic day

Today, my body remembered what it’s like to be in pain. The more interesting question to me is why do I feel as I do today? The leading theory is because I’m eating nightshade plants but alternate explanations include it being a result of me fighting a cold, it being caused by me “sneaking” sweets (lindt chocolate, a chocolate heart, and 2 chocolate donuts within 1 week. Ouch.), and/or my recent fatigue. My pain is at a dull 6. I hate dull pains because ibuprofen won’t silence it. It’s like pain has a hold in the center of my body and radiates outward. I went to a training this morning during which we had to introduce ourselves with an adjective that starts with the same letter as our first name. I was tempted to be “Achy Amy”. However, I feel gratitude in knowing that this pain is all part of my experiment and the process to live a life of so much less pain in the long run.

Wednesday, I decided to start exercising before I go to work. I’d like to accomplish that twice a week. I’m planning a gradual increase in how early I get up. This week, I’m trying to wake up early enough to exercise 30 minutes before work. Later, I’d like to have a full hour. Wednesday, my alarm went off at 5am. The goal was to be up by 5:30 and be back from the gym by 6:30am. The reality is I hit snooze a bunch, though I don’t remember it, and finally got up at 6:45am. Although I stayed in bed as long as usual, it was apparent that the continuous buzzing disturbed my quality of sleep. All day, I was tired. In fact, I went home around 3:30 and napped for 2.5 hours.

Client has been inviting to the one year celebration of her 12-step meeting attendance, memorialized by her selecting a special speaker for her meeting and her receiving a new medallion. I’m honored. She’s the first person who has invited me to this momentous event but she’s not the first to reach that milestone. She told me the church and the time; I showed up and spent 25 minutes looking for the group. It was creepy. I got in the church but it was eerily empty. It felt kind of like I was in a horror film. I haven’t seen her since yesterday afternoon when I told her I’d be there. I wonder what she thinks of my “no show”. I also wonder where in the world they were! I asked a couple of different people but the info they gave on where I might find them was not helpful.

Cindi is not my girlfriend anymore. I don’t like that though. I check facebook daily to see if she’s listed as single and rejoice in how her status listing has not changed (then again, I don't know if she realizes her status hasn't changed. She removed it from one part of the site but she's listed as in a relationship in another part of it.). Next week, I need to go to Nashville for my job. My hope is to get her to sleep on my pillow so I can take her scent back home with me. Monday night, my pillow smelt like her and it was heavenly. When I woke up during the night to sniff her (I felt like a hound), her scent was gone. In retrospect, I realize I should have slept on a different pillow and cradled her pillow throughout the night so the smell would have lasted longer. Lesson learned. In many ways, the break up doesn't seem real to me yet.

The gluten free, yeast free pizza was delicious! I am tired of basically eating the same foods over and over. I suppose the intelligent response to that is to read a cookbook and find new things to eat. Instead, I deal with it by sulking.

My cousin and his family that live in VA were in Memphis today and yesterday. I got to sit with them for a few hours today and learned that the wife and kiddies will likely be out of town when I am in their area this summer. That sux!

Again, I’m very tired. Awesome Amy in and out.

acupuncture #1

Today, I tried acupuncture thanks to the nifty groupon coupon that came to my inbox a few weeks ago. IT SUCKED! I went in feeling pretty good and hopeful to stop the torture of tendinitis. I left limping. I screamed when I got in my car. Apparently, my back didn't want anything (i.e., the seat) to touch it. It sporadically felt like needles were sticking me in various location; I was amazed by how much effort it took to hit the brakes. Sensibility would tell me to never try acupuncture again. Something else, a deeper reason?, says go back. The practitioner told me up front that she recommends weekly sessions the first 3-4 weeks and then a tapering. $60 a pop, I can't afford that! There's a place around the block from my job that has pay what you can acupuncture that I think I'll try. Maybe. I hurt really bad right now. I can stop eating those foods and feel 80% better. Will acupuncture increase my energy, something that still lags? The practitioner looked at my "really pale" tongue and said I have energy issues (I could have told her that!) and that herbs could really help me but she can't recommend mixing anything with my current med list. I wonder how else my non-fibro medical issues effected today's session. She didn't try to sell me another session when I left today, as she had the two people that left(happy) when I was siting in the waiting room. I *do* wonder what that means.

Currently: I'm eating soy ice cream, licking my wounds, and thinking about bed.

Gratitude: I'm thankful for my privilege that allowed me to spend $35 to try something new (acupuncture). I'm thankful for the Meristem book club (I returned last night). I'm thankful for Cindi's consideration. I'm thankful for having Beth to look to for advice, wisdom, and life's stories. I'm thankful for my dad that likes to have long phone conversations with me. I'm thankful for my sister Shundra who lets me know when she finds new, good food.