an adventure in public nudity

Today, I forgot to put on clothes before I went outside. More specifically, I walked out in a 2-piece swim suit + a towel. Yesterday, I put on jogging pants and a t-shirt on top of my swimsuit before I left. Today, it didn't occur to do that until I was outside, on the way to the garage. "Naked," I thought in my head. My shoulder twitched back to go in and put on some clothes but my head said, "neh. I'll go like this. My long-term goal is to walk around naked outside after all." lol Pulling out of the driveway, I had a (negative) fat girl thought. Then I though of Ragen who I now absolutely adore. I decided to let my fine in own skin 90% of the time self handle the situation as I drove to the Y in just a swim suit. It was cute. It was much like what skinny girls wear much of the time anyway-- a short skirt with a way too high split and a sleeveless v-neck top that tied around my neck. The extent to which this get up felt like an outfit probably contributed to me forgetting to put on clothes in the first place. On I drove. I glanced in the parking lot when I got to the Y: no one else in just a swimsuit walking around. On the way in, I saw a girl enrolled in the same class as I leaving- in clothes. I went inside- no strange looks. I put down my towel and began my slow crawl into the pool. I survived the trip there. Nude. In a swim suit.

Class was good. We practiced free style swimming and learned a little more about breathing in the water. I learned to float on my back and helped a girl (age 7?) learn to do that after class was over. I was the first to jump in the 10 feet area today. Another nude-like moment-- I confessed to my hot teacher that it hurt my boob whenever I jumped in. He told me to jump feet-first instead of chest-first. Brilliant! Yesterday, my boob popped out when I got out of the pool. Today, my top went up. Partial nudity. Funny how I feel dressed in the water in the same outfit in which I feel nude out of the water. Perhaps it's because completely nude is what's most appropriate in water? Moving away from that thought....

Leaving the pool seemed even more inappropriate than my arrival. I was soaking wet. Everything fits different when you're wet. In retrospect, I don't know how that may have been bad; I can only say I felt it. I wrung water out of my top and skirt multiple times on the way to my car and used my towel to cushion my seat in the car. Even if I had pants on hand, I would have been wet and done that. I used the towel like a shawl both on my way in and out of the gym, as if my top area is what was most inappropriate about my dress. I'm not sure that any of it was inappropriate actually. Pulling into my drive way after class, all felt right with the world.

In the end, nothing was lost but a little more freedom may have been gained. Perhaps I'll remember to get "dressed" before leaving next time but if not, eh, naked women exist. :)

life recently

Physically

Yesterday was my last day of officially eating white flour, sugar, fructose corn syurp, and gluten. However, today included left over pizza for breakfast (breakfast for champs). I'm glad that chapter of the experiment is over, though I also mourn its end. That block of foods was my favorite on the forbidden list. Viva el pan. Plus,I have to readjust my mentality from being able to eat almost anything to having to be careful in my selections; I'm going from plenty to scarcity... again. Very soon, I will again be fighting against the fear of scarcity and looking for the silver lining of can. I don't look forward to returning to that cold world of eating, though I do want that better pan of health.

As previously mentioned, I had a good experience in yoga on Thursday. My teacher kept complimenting me and asking what was different. She was passionate about something being different, whether it was an internal change manifested externally or vice versa. I thought maybe she forgot the improvement I showed when I last saw her like a month before until I shocked myself by getting into shoulder stand. It was the first time ever. I called her over to me because I was convinced that I had to be doing something wrong. She said no; it was right, it was good. Well yea! Her comment about things sometimes just aligning and being right in life resonated with me. It made me think of the realization that I'm happy and seem to be earnestly moving towards my highest self. Yoga is part of that journey for me and for that I'm glad. I did find it ironic that this praise and accomplishment came on a night when my right side was clearly more open and flexible than my left. But even in the midst of imperfection, God is there.

Food-wise, I'm back to the control phase of the diet. I'll be there 2-3 weeks depending on how I feel and then bring back aspartame or nitrate, neither of which sound like something that one shouldwant in his or her diet. Dairy, like the yeast/gluten block, is thought to increase yeast production. Thus, I don't want to run those back to back. I want to really give my body time to throw out the extra yeast if that's really one reason I've been hurting lately.

Today, I ordered a life jacket from amazon. I have no idea what level life jacket it is. I'm hoping it has a tag with that information when it gets here. If it's crappier than anticipated, I'll return it. I bought it mostly because it kept coming up when I searched for a plus size life jacket. Anyhow, my uncle Mark said he'll teach me how to swim (on top of the water) and that it'll be easier if I do it with a life jacket. Well here I am moving towards progress.

Family

I have 5 cousins graduating this year from high school. Have I already told you that? One of them, I didn't even know was my cousin. oops.





Relationships

If you're been reading along, you know that I'm in love with Cindi still. There was a period where I thought I was getting over her. Then, there was me realizing that I am ridiculously in love, just like before our break-up. Now I'm reaching a point of being fine with loving her despite not wanting to be with her. I think that acceptance is good. Disagreeing with those thoughts when they come might also be good. I don't know. I've never loved anyone as I love her; I have no real reference point on how to not be in love with her. I guess I've worked to get over crushes or love interests before so maybe I can do more of those things. That's basically what I was doing in the beginning when I thought it was working. Yea right, and Donnie McCurklin is really someone that was only formally attracted to men. In the beginning, I thought that talking to and seeing her less would result in my falling out of love, but it doesn't work that way apparently. Running parallel to all of those thoughts and emotions is excitement about meeting someone new. In all fairness to them, I hope that my feelings towards Cindi shift even more as I spend time with them. A few weeks ago, Tina,Felicia, and I ran through ideas of who I could date. I can't say we came up with any promising possibilities :).

Professional Life

Work was really tough two weeks ago. I told someone that I felt like I was pushing a boulder up a hill and I meant it. Often. Things have calmed down some now. At a training I attended Wednesday, the presenter said that not feeling like they belong is the number one reason people leave their jobs. I thought that was interesting. It made me think of some of the dynamics I experience but even more so my general desire to have decent relationships with those with whom I work. It also made me think about a conversation I had with a newer employer. I hope the isolation doesn't run deep.

Part of what has helped me move past that place of extreme frustration was to create a list of all the tasks contributing to how I was feeling and figure out what I could do about those things. Many of my assignments can only be done after someone else does his or her part. I was back at a place of trying to figure out how I could work around needing other people. If I can control it, perhaps I can get it done, at least progress can be made. Honestly, I don't know where this list is but creating it helped. And yes, the work is moving. Slowly. For the people part of all that frustration, I basically just accepted it. My employees don't like me. Right now, I'm not aware of it but if you dig through it all, it's probably still true. I accept that. Next....

The Garden

The garden is doing well. I planted zucchini last week and it's started to bloom already. I don't see any major issues brewing and am grateful for that.

At work, we started on that garden Tuesday. One of the clients figured out how much lumber we needed to buy and the job began. Trying to figure that stuff out on my own made me feel like I was in high school math again flunking the test I had studied for so hard.

One container (4 x 8) was assembled and another was started. Our cucumbers are in the ground. Whoo-hoo! We're supposed to work some more Monday, hopefully building 6 additional containers, buying lumber, and getting starter plants and food into the ground by 5pm. Writing it out, that sounds lofty. We'll see.

And last- my car. I love my car. It has been good to me. However, Goodyear just charged me $630 to fix some brake-related issues. Then they told me that my oil is spilling over into the engine and that I need tires. Plus, my speedometer is broken. My car is a 1998 ya'll. With this many issues on the radar, it might be time to move on... but to what? Now is when I feel like I have very little money :(.

Blessed be.
Well, that was probably way more than you actually wanted from me. I've just been feeling the need to update lately but have not had the time. Here you find what's been going on.