searching for can

My attempt to practice this anti-inflammatory diet is getting progressively worse. Today, I ate a huge slice of pizza. But, it wasn't completely about low self-will; it was more about starvation and the fear and discomfort of starvation. I mentioned lunch, specifically Crumpy's Honey Gold Wings, to my co-workers about 11:30 or noon. It didn't get a rise from them. Between 12 & 12:30, I went to the administrative building to pick up items, sign things, and generally take care of business. It ended up being a lengthy visit from office to office so it was basically 1 o'clock once I got away. One of my case managers was co-leading a presentation at 1pm in the administrative building, 1-2:30. Oh so hungry. I tried to prepare; I ate an orange at the beginning of their training. Nonetheless, it wasn't long before I began to feel deep stabs of hunger. When the presentation was over, I tried to convince my co-workers that we should go and buy some food but they were content with microwave, butter popcorn. I found an office suite with food-- a fruit tray and PIZZA (my other Achilles heel). I got some fruit and walked away. Then I went back for more ('cause I was still hungry) but ended up with a slice of pizza as well. A therapist told me not to get the pizza, I'd regret it later. Half-way through the slice, I thought she was right (but my belly was so happy). So that's my goof up for the day.

Now for my frustration. 5pm, I was leaving work and sleepy. I went to the seamstress for some hems I've been putting off for too long. Once I got back to my neighborhood, I really was not okay with the idea of cooking. I tried to be. All I need to do is brown some ground turkey and then build some nachos. I really don't want to do this. I want to sleep. My sleep has been janky all week and I'm tired. I frantically looked around for a place to eat in my neighborhood. If I had the menu in my car for the hot dog/pizza place or knew of a place that sales pizza by the slice around here, that would have been my dinner. Instead, I bought a pickle from Walgreens. It's a horrible nutritional choice but it keeps me on my diet. Walking to Walgreens' door, I thought of several foods I cannot have. I realized then that I'm searching for some can's-- what can I eat?

I'm so close to throwing in the tile. Maintaining this for a year is too much to ask. Maintaining it for 6 more weeks might be too much. I'm on the verge of giving up and accepting pain (and defeat). To be proactive, I made myself read another section of the Allergy self-help cookbook. If I had (1) more to eat, (2) more options, and (3) simpler options, I think this process would be that much easier.

In other news, a guy that I used to talk to at a camera store suggested that I enter some art fairs. I'm honored that he thinks of me that way. I have nothing ready or organized for such an adventure but I am interested in getting there to see what happens. That's one of the positive influences Cindi had on me.

i like to eat food

I did fairly well in maintaining my diet today. "Birthday cake" is my Achilles heel so I don't feel bad about the slice I had today at a co-worker's retirement party. My only regret is not being able to get a slice with a rose.... During the luncheon, I talked to a Jewish lady a bunch about how much I love Jews and the probability of me converting (very low).

I couldn't eat most of what was being served at the party. They gave us salads. I ate it. The entree options were fried and purchased-- consuming them may have resulted in anaphylactic shock depending on their preparation methods. I didn't take that chance. Mashed potatoes and rolls are out. I asked if I could just have a plate of green beans instead of throwing away all of that food. I was told yes but never received a plate. I could have gotten up and requested it again but they were doing presentations to the honoree by the time I realized my food wasn't coming. I was sitting smack in front of the podium and didn't want to interrupt. Plus, I'm not a big fan of green beans. Oh for the love of Christ I was hungry by the time that event was over!

Then I ended up in like 4 in prompt meeting. HUNGER. Back in my office, I reviewed my to do list (for tomorrow) and left for Taco Bell. Tacos are such a sight for a hungry belly. ahhh. From there, I went to Wolf Camera and saw an old talking buddy from the Bartlett store. We chatted for a while. I picked up prints I made to help with my scrapbook development and printed some shots for my clients. He volunteered to inform me of upcoming art shows. Sweet! I didn't request that. I'm not prepared for that. It's the second time in 2 weeks that I've landed in such a conversation. Maybe God is trying to tell me something? (Have fun) Anyhow, it was good to see K. I kind of hope that he really does call.

I'm still hungry.

we call it nonsexual completely involuntary quivering

Today, I made it. "Just for today." I said it many times. I hope the 12-stepers don't mind me using their language. It was hard. A chocolate covered donut suddenly seemed really good and necessary starting around 3pm. But I made it (minus the hot sauce which I realized was a violation after I poured it). And I thought about fruit. That's nothing I do in my normal mind. I concentrated on the natural sweetness in things-- fruit, honey nut chex, honey gold chicken wings-- maybe there's a little cheating in there but it's so much better than I've been doing.

I am grateful for getting to talk to Luna yesterday, getting to journal about something I needed to get off of my chest yesterday and having that something be gone, for ppl that took the time to peek in on this silly blog of mine, for friends that care, for yoga. I am grateful for the yoga mat (and tonight, Yo). I am grateful for the 14 ppl that still live where I work.

sleepy, sleepy

I'm doing the sleepy things that would normally make me stop consuming caffeine but the thing is, I'm already off of caffeine (I've discovered that a build up of caffeine in my system makes it really hard for me to wake up in the morning). Perhaps it's the sugar? That's the thing I've been "sneaking" the most as I struggle to resume the anti-inflammatory diet. My alarm has been going off since 6am. At 7am, I finally got up AND I even propped myself up during my battle with the alarm in hopes of being semi-upright helping me to wake up. No. I stayed like that a while but eventually sunk back down to lay flat. Yesterday, I gave in to my fatigue and decided to take a 90 minute nap. I have no memory of hearing my cell phone alarm go off but am sure it did as my phone was propped next to me when I finally woke up 3.5 hours later. My cell phone goes off for a hour before it finally gives up on you. The inability to wake up makes it hard to function in life,so does being drop dead tired. Can this motivate me to stick to the diet? Today, I'll try to remember that I eat more than I need to survive.

When I started this diet, I consumed caffeine despite it being on the list of things to avoid. I reasoned I had already removed it and only had the benefit of being able to wake up easier in the morning. Eventually, I decided to ban it because what if the sugar I consumed while not having caffeine blocked the effects of abstaining from caffeine (i.e., perhaps caffeine and sugar both contributed to my fatigue). I'm back to that thought. No more chocolate, no more peeps. Yea for fruit strips and clif sticks. I can do this. I did it during Lent. Why can't I get it together now that thousands of people I don't know are done abstaining from things in the name of the Lord? I can do this.

Another possibility is I'm still paying for the decreased sleep quality I had Wed and Thur of last week. Whatever it is, I'm dog on tired.

Now to shower and get ready for work....

who are you?

Who lives in (or near?) Opelika, Alabama and reads this thing? I can't think of anyone that I know that lives there. I'm curious. Come on out whoever you are....

Are there other people I don't know in real life? Introduce yourself. The floor is open...

The Nightshade Experiment

My time of eating nightshade plants to see if they make me hurt had numerous confounding variables; I’ll rate it a weak no. Week one, I had great pain about 4 or 5 days into the experiment (actually, I’ll rate it a weak yes, a maybe). That weekend, I learned that jalapenos seem to aggravate my acid reflux. I haven’t really tested that again. I’ve had spicy things, but nothing jalapeño heavy. I backed off for a few days in hopes of the pain subsiding (it did) and started again. Then the game became known as “The Game of Confoundment” instead of any kind of experiment. I told my mom I’d eat whatever she cooked on Easter despite my diet so we could have it together. Once I turned that allowance function on, I didn’t know how to turn it back off. I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted for a week (managing to avoid aspartame or nitrates during that period); then I started again, that time doing a poor job of controlling myself and eating many things I knew I wasn’t allowed to have. Wednesday, crazy things happened at work. Thursday, I could barely walk. Friday, I decided to let go of what had occurred so that my pain could cease. Yes, I know that stress aggravates the symptoms of fibromyalgia. Today probably marks 2 weeks of daily ibuprofen to control pain. It could be that nightshade plants do me just fine and that the yeast or gluten or sugar or ___ I’ve consumed in the past few weeks is what’s making me ache. Or it could be the nightshade plants. My experience of the pain hasn’t been as strong as what I’ll call a mean stretch of fibro, but it has been present. Again, I will avoid consuming nightshade plants (and everything else) and see if the pain decreases. During the next experimental phase, I’ll eat sugar or yeast and gluten; time will tell.

Last week, I struck a deal with myself. Once every 2 weeks, I can eat whatever I want, 1 meal or snack. That small quantity shouldn’t really throw off the results, based on what I’ve experienced thus far, but I only get that planned treat if I behave myself in the mean time. You’d think the improved health that results from this diet would be enough to have me keep going but no. Also, I have an allergy free cookbook that I’m slowly reading in hopes of finding new dishes to prepare. I have to eat something and sometimes, I want it to be something other than corn. Lately, I’ve developed the bad habit of eating out a lot. That seems odd when considering that basically I can eat salad, tacos, nachos, and bunless hamburgers, but nonetheless it’s true. I need to gain more control of my lunchtime habits to allow for me to eat without spending additional money on it. There aren’t many frozen meals I can consume (say 1.5) so I need to cook at home more and take left overs for lunch. We’ll see. I’ve identified a problem; some would say I’ve also identified a solution (nevermind how much I like to NOT cook).

As is common for someone with fibromyalgia, I am falling asleep as I write this. I am not sure how well these words come together to form a thought and am clueless on how insightful or interesting those words happen to be. In this moment, I give in to my nature and agree to go to sleep. Namaste.

shorts

Not a good day. No one to really tell about today. Will not post online. Unnerving.

Yesterday was also bad.

I trust that tomorrow will be much better.

test/question

I tried to add reactions to my blog. I hit save. It said my changes were saved. There are no buttons to push things like "stupid" as a way to comment. Anyone know how to set that up?

weekend plans

Packing for Nashville makes me sad, though I do look forward to zip lining tomorrow.

Buddy Wakefield

Buddy Wakefield was the opening act for Ani DiFranco last night. I liked him, though I didn't love him. Here's the poem he said that I probably like the most:





The most shocking thing he said is God is a dick. Actually, he said something more like if God is really going to have all of us line up in a really long single line and even though a lot of us sought (goodness, light, right living), he chooses a few to save because they picked a select religion and then he burns the rest of us. For ever. Then God is a dick.

I thought that was a very bold statement for him to make. That's quite trusting of who your audience to think no one will be offended or have a fit after you call God a dick. But I respected his statement. I got the same idea in a softer form from Anne Lamott years ago. She said if God wouldn't let her best friend Pammy in heaven because she wasn't a Christian, then she (Anne) wasn't going either. That's very big to me but I finally understand.

Buddy's blog is at http://buddywakefield.com/category/journal/


The text for Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars:

Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars(Hope is Not a Course of Action)

August 11, 2009

If we were created in God’s image
then when God was a child
he smushed fire ants with his fingertips
and avoided tough questions.
There are ways around being the go-to person
even for ourselves
even when the answer is clear
like the holy water Gentiles drank
before they realized Forgiveness
is the release of all hope for a better past.

I thought those were chime shells in your pocket
so I chucked a quarter at it
hoping to hear some part of you
respond on a high note.
You acted like I was hurling crowbirds at mockingbars
and abandoned me for not making sense.
Evidently, I don’t experience things as rationally as you do.

For example, I know mercy
when I have enough money to change the jukebox at a gay bar
(somebody’s gotta change that shit).
You understand the power of God’s mercy
whenever someone shoves a stick of morphine
straight up into your heart.
It felt amazing
the days you were happy to see me

so I smashed a beehive against the ocean
to try and make our splash last longer.
Remember all the honey
had me lookin’ like a jellyfish ape
but you walked off the water in a porcupine of light
strands of gold
drizzling out to the tips of your wasps.
This is an apology letter to the both of us
for how long it took me to let things go.

It was not my intention to make such a
production of the emptiness between us
playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano
to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive.
It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there
and that you meant it
but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open

so I ate ear plugs alive with my throat
hoping they’d get lodged deep enough inside the empty spots
that I wouldn’t have to hear you leaving
so I wouldn’t have to listen to my heart keep saying
all my eggs were in a basket of red flags
all my eyes to a bucket of blindfolds
in the cupboard with the muzzles and the gauze
ya know I didn’t mean to speed so far out and off
trying to drive all your nickels to the well
when you were happy to let them wishes drop

but I still show up for gentleman practice
in the company of lead dancers
hoping their grace will get stuck in my shoes.
Is that a handsome shadow on my breath, sweet woman
or is it a cattle call
in a school of fish? Still dance with me
less like a waltz for panic
more for the way we’d hoped to swing
the night we took off everything
and we were swingin’ for the fences

don’t hold it against
my love
you know I wanna breath deeper than this
you know I didn’t mean to look so serious
didn’t mean to act like a filthy floor
didn’t mean to turn us both into a cutting board
but there were knives s-stuck
in the words where I came from
too much time in the back of my words.
I pulled knives from my back and my words.
I cut trombones from the moment you slipped away

and I know it left me lookin’ like a knife fight, lady
yeah you know it left me feelin’ like a shotgun shell
you know I know I mighta gone and lost my breath
but I wanna show ya how I found my breath
to death
it was buried under all the wind instruments
hidden in your castanets
goddamn
if ya ever wanna know how it felt when ya left
yeah if you ever wanna come inside

just knock on the spot

where I finally pressed STOP

playing musical chairs with exit signs.

I’m gonna cause you a miracle
when you see the way I kept God’s image alive.

Forgiveness
is for anybody
who needs a safe passage through my mind.

If I was really created in God’s image
then when God was a boy
he wanted to grow up to be a man
a good man
and when God was a man
a good man
He started telling the truth in order to get honest responses.
He’d say,
“I know.
I really shoulda wore my cross
again
but I don’t wanna scare the gentiles off.”

Ani makes my heart glad

Pics from tonight's concert: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2467989&id=15921007&l=a0c9e519ed

today's actions, today's thoughts

Right now, I'm tired and experiencing a rare moment where I don't feel the urgent need to do anything in particular. I spent three hard working hours uncluttering my apartment with my Aunt Bev. Before, you could see my couch and parts of my dining table and coffee table. Now, you can see my couch AND love seat and have full use of both tables. That was a lot of paper to throw away. We both took 2 arms full of trash to the garbage bin, largely because we unpacked my newest, small appliances and had those boxes to throw out (but it sounds glamorous and productive to say we had 2 arms full of things to throw out). After she left, I took a number of items to my mom's house for semi-permanent storage or for loan. Objectively, my living room and dining room are a lot cleaner now. Surprisingly, they feel about the same to me as they always did. I guess it's because they're still mine. "Hello home." I've dallied here and there to properly put up a few lingering items. Now, I'm officially done with cleaning for the day. I found a bunch of sheets and towels I didn't know I had. They'll get folded tomorrow or Tuesday.

Yesterday, I ate party food and played games with my family and some of their childhood friends. It was mostly enjoyable. There was a spell where I wanted to leave because a couple of people kept cheating, which ruined the game to me instead of being amusing as they probably intended. Thankfully, other ppl were getting annoyed too so the perpetrators finally stopped, given the outcry. We were playing the game where you tape a name on a person's back and they have to figure out who they are by asking yes and no questions about their identity. We decided that I should have my birthday party on July 2 because I'll be out of the town the weekend before my birthday and 2 days before the 4th shouldn't really interfere with ppl's plans of cooking. We hope. Maybe. I'll lose everyone that plans to go out of town for the 4th. My birthday's in a bit of a crappy corner for gatherings.

I've been thinking some about Christianity and homosexuality. It amazes me the degree to which people are not willing to examine and question the possibility that their belief that homosexuality is a sin is wrong. It's like suggesting that God loves gays just as fully as He loves straights threatens the foundation of Christianity and individual beliefs. If God's okay with Mary and Mary, then maybe Jesus didn't die for my sins. Huh? It doesn't work that way and I'm not sure why the idea of misinterpreting those few verses of scripture seem to translate to foundational questions for believers. I have a hard time understanding why people reject the possibility that homosexuality isn't a sin after engaging in a discussion of those "globber verses". I remember feeling the need to check and recheck the context, word translations, and whatever I saw that suggested that my pastor had been wrong and I was incorrectly identifying sin in my brethren. I remember being afraid of being wrong by suggesting it wasn't a sin and living my life in accordance with that new belief. I really, really didn't want to be wrong on that issue and move forward. If you're betting that hell doesn't exist, then you better be right (or somehow that saying goes). In part, I think it was because I was the president of a religious-based program on campus and changing my belief on that issue could reflect back on both the school chapter and national organization that I represented. I had to make sure I was right. And I think I strongly suspected that I was queer by then; I think I was "in love" with that girl, or at least wanted to pursue a relationship with her. For both our sakes, I couldn't be wrong. I was pretty close to the southern baptist church when I embarked on my study of the bible and homosexuality. I attended a Methodist church which I joked was a southern baptist church that said the doxology. I did not live in a world where my new suspicion was okay. I think part of the issue with changing one's belief on this is that you're swimming against the flow in your head. When you speak out or live out that belief, you put a target on your back. Perhaps at some unconscious level, we recognize all of this when someone comes to us and suggests that we reexamine our beliefs of what the Bible says about homosexuality. It's dangerous to be different. Jesus was different and He was killed. Dr. King believed in something different and was very vocal about that; he was killed. Mother Teresa believed differently and acted on those beliefs; she died a saint but lived an excruciatingly difficult life that included doubting in God's goodness and existence. Believing different has definitely taken me there. One of my relatives recently told me they don't want to meet my Christian, lesbian friends because they believe I have been under some wrong teaching and Satan is trying to distract me to prevent God's plan for my life to be fully manifested. Wow. Ouch, but I asked the question. In a way, they're right. People will discount me and judge me in a number of ways for being bisexual. I disagree with her assessment, however, because I think it is people like her that are being misled by Satan, if one wants to use such language. Love liberated Jesus, not judgment.

In this moment, I am okay with who I am and feel loved by my "church" family. I can't ask for much more than that for me. Globally, however, there is much more to be desired. Hatred seems to have existed for all of human kind; maybe I'm ignorant to suggest that we decrease its hold on society now. Perhaps lgbt ppl can only be liberated if another group is spiritually battered and made the outcast. I just don't understand, in this nation that so enthusiastically claims to love God and be His people, how so much injustice abounds. Let me be employed, housed, and love. Let me be; stop holding your breath.

a refocusing

About this time last week, I cracked. Somewhere along the way, I just stopped following my diet. Monday, I believe, is when I consciously embraced this diversion and decided to take a break. Monday, I will resume my altered idea of what is and what is not okay for me to consume. Briefly, I mourned that return while I was checking out at Wal-mart.

This time around, I will consciously strive to embrace new eating. I will look at cookbooks and find variety in what I can eat. There is an answer beyond corn, soy, and fruit. And I will be grateful. Always. (Thank you, Maria.)

This week of variance has not been a bad experience on this journey. (1) My body is no longer use to ice cream. The (yummy!) peace milkshake from Chick-Fila filled me from west to middle TN and then some. It was not unpleasant to my belly; it was just different. How quickly we forget. (2) Too much sugar and junk exist. Swimming in those waters result in nausea and an unpleasant state of being. (3) Fruit is an option, even when not mandated.

It is easy for me to go back to my old way of eating when not mentally bound by a different eating code but I discovered that's not what I want to do. I got to enjoy chicken biscuits and sandwiches from chick fila, but still ate veggie stir fry with brown rice. I got to eat Peeps! and a chocolate bunny, but I also enjoyed an apple and orange. Butter! Yummy butter! I did not know how good butter tastes before this journey. Now, I recognize its greatness but don't need to experience it at every meal.

I have some pain today, but nothing that is unbearable. It started last night and I had an interesting noticing: My body had a sense of deep pain, but it also had a sore throat, stuffy nose, and tight shoulders, just like when it erupted in pain last week. I wonder (1) why cold symptoms and pain come together and (2) how consistently this relationship exists. I have no insight on this relationship, but I am aware.

Thus far, I'm not sure that nightshade plants cause me harm besides possibly flaring up GERD. Next week's return to structure will include the continued consumption of nightshade plants. One week with gluten, yeast, dairy, nightshade plants, and sugar has shown me that strong pain does not occur in this period of time (unless all of those categories test negative for triggering my pain). It makes me wonder how long and often I do need to eat the given foods for the pain to be seen if a positive correlation between that food and me experiencing pain do exist. Is 3 weeks, as originally planned, enough?

In the midst of refocusing on this experience and looking forward to the family game night that starts soon, I'm excited about throwing a birthday party this year. June 26, 5:30pm, bring some wine or food. I'm also excited about my nieces and nephews coming to town for a few weeks this summer. I'm generally enjoying life at this moment. Blessed be.

I am grateful for the Stone. I am grateful for the people/group we worshiped with last night. I am grateful for activists striving to make this world a better place. I am grateful for people that believe. I am grateful that dad and I have not been in automobile accidents in the past two days despite the close calls. I am grateful that you are safe.

gratitude

I am thankful that the police officer did not give me a ticket when I drove past him driving 10 mph faster than the speed limit.

I am thankful that God stopped the rain and darkness and allowed me to make it to Nashville safely. The sunlighted lasted until about 7:45pm and made for a nice drive.

I am glad that I stayed awake during my drive tonight and that I had interesting music to accompany me on the way.

I am thankful that I have a free place to stay while I'm here for a business meeting.

I'm glad that Cindi is allowing me to stay here despite our break up.

I'm glad that Rooney still loves me even though I told him that Cindi is no longer my girlfriend. I love him and next I'll grieve over not seeing him so often.

I am thankful that the Chick-Fila peach milkshake is back.

I am thankful that I am able to take a break from this diet without personal condemnation. I am thankful that although I am taking a break, I do not hurt.

I am thankful that my energy has been better lately.

I am thankful that I got to drum with the ladies yesterday.

I am thankful that I was able to clean my kitchen in 15 minutes before I left home.

I am thankful that my mom lives and works close enough and is kind enogh to take me to or from work sometime.

I am thankful that my sister is employed.

I am thankful that Client did not leave yesterday despite thinking about it.

I am thankful that someone reads this blog.

pills 3

I think I can't count. I think I take 12 pills a day, not 16. I think I've stopped taking 4 pills since last summer. Right now, I'm filling my pill box. There are "only" 12 and I can't think of a thing missing. That makes more sense.

loudly self-conscious

Tonight, I drummed with 3 other women, 1 of them the "teacher". It was enjoyable. There were times when I felt the anxiety of high school band but other times when I felt the spirit of something before my time as well as times of meditation. The longest standing student there commented that I'm "a musician. You just came in here and did it without being self-conscious." I replied, "I'm self-conscious. Apparently, you just can't tell." I feel like I was on level with the group. The sad thing is it's the last time they're meeting, at least for a long well. M.H.'s schedule gets hectic when the weather warms so she can't keep teaching right now. I enjoyed it, but I don't feel led to buy a $100 drum and find a teacher on my own. I was attracted to the group out of the idea of community. I don't want to isolate myself and become focused instead on something like skill.

My computer has been doing crazy things lately. I got so frustrated with it that I stopped using it over the weekend. The curser would jump around as I was typing so nothing came out the way I intended. For example, while typing this word the computer might jump to the word "typing" so then you'd see typwording. It was horrific. Other times, it would highlight a section so it'd get deleted as I continued to type.I used AVG, Malbytes, Microsoft's anti-virus, and super anti-spyware to try to remove it to no effect. Then I deleted the cookies and did other things under cleaning up the computer, such as deleting temp items. That seemed to work. It was craziness, pure and simple.

Tomorrow, I head to Nashville for an A&D meeting. I need to pack. I need to wash my dishes. I need to call the maintenance office. But for now, I need to sleep. I got really sleepy at the end of drumming. I struggled to follow the beats once I reached that point. Good night, ya'll.

Gratitude

I am thankful that I got to spend time with both of my parents on Easter.

I am thankful that I can stay with Cindi when I am in Nashville instead of having to drive up the day of for a 10am meeting.

I am thankful that I went to yoga last night, although 10 minutes late. I am thankful that I have a teacher that is accepting even when one does not get there in the smoothest fashion or perfect time. I am thankful that I made it through the classes, as my first downward facing dog in I questioned my ability to make it. I am thankful for thinking I should focus on a stronger part of my body during that pose to help me get through it.

I am thankful that my computer seems to be healthy now. Letters are back to going where they're supposed to be and things are no longer disappearing as I type.

I am thankful that I saw an associate from elementary school today.

I am thankful that I am having my first drumming lesson tonight.

I am thankful that I was able to clean out my car yesterday and still have a suitable amount of energy left when I was done.

I am thankful that Beth invited me to her birthday party, even though I won't be able to attend.

I am thankful for gratitude. It's one of the grandest feelings.

Now, I will strive to be thankful for having food to cook and know how as I make myself some stir fry.

sadness sets in

I'm not enjoying my single status right now. I knew that reality would eventually sink in. I think that time has come. I finally cried a little but I wish the tears would come like a flood to purify my thoughts. Instead, she invades my mind multiple times each day. Sadness occupies the spaces in my heart. Yesterday's tarot reader said that a nice older guy is going to hit on me but I might be too distracted thinking about other, ehem, things, to notice but I should. I do want space in my heart for new things other than sadness even if I'm not anxious to start a new relationship right now. I wonder how long it'll be before I don't miss her so much.

Gratitude

I am thankful for my STONE sisters. Floridia invited me to church tonight. I intended to go but got caught up at work and was there the length of the services. I found myself thinking, "Well, I'll drive by the church and see if they're still there. At least I'll get to give my sisters a hug."

I am thankful for friends that give me appropriate food out of fear of me otherwise starving.

I am thankful for the PRN that came to work today so that my permanent staff could be off for the holiday.

I am thankful for now having a personal mission statement thanks to yesterday's workshop.

I am thankful for Cindi's friendship. I am thankful for her giving me a free place to stay when I go up for work stuff.

I am thankful for willing and flexible clients.

I am thankful for clients and co-workers that feed me. I am thankful for food.

I am thankful for Josephine and her willingness to get the garden underway, as well as teach me to grow mushrooms and allow me to play with bees.

I am thankful that a really, really free market and freecycle exist. I am thankful there are options.

I am thankful for having people in recovery work with/for me.

I am thankful for my apartment's workers respond promptly to requests.

a basic day

Today, my body remembered what it’s like to be in pain. The more interesting question to me is why do I feel as I do today? The leading theory is because I’m eating nightshade plants but alternate explanations include it being a result of me fighting a cold, it being caused by me “sneaking” sweets (lindt chocolate, a chocolate heart, and 2 chocolate donuts within 1 week. Ouch.), and/or my recent fatigue. My pain is at a dull 6. I hate dull pains because ibuprofen won’t silence it. It’s like pain has a hold in the center of my body and radiates outward. I went to a training this morning during which we had to introduce ourselves with an adjective that starts with the same letter as our first name. I was tempted to be “Achy Amy”. However, I feel gratitude in knowing that this pain is all part of my experiment and the process to live a life of so much less pain in the long run.

Wednesday, I decided to start exercising before I go to work. I’d like to accomplish that twice a week. I’m planning a gradual increase in how early I get up. This week, I’m trying to wake up early enough to exercise 30 minutes before work. Later, I’d like to have a full hour. Wednesday, my alarm went off at 5am. The goal was to be up by 5:30 and be back from the gym by 6:30am. The reality is I hit snooze a bunch, though I don’t remember it, and finally got up at 6:45am. Although I stayed in bed as long as usual, it was apparent that the continuous buzzing disturbed my quality of sleep. All day, I was tired. In fact, I went home around 3:30 and napped for 2.5 hours.

Client has been inviting to the one year celebration of her 12-step meeting attendance, memorialized by her selecting a special speaker for her meeting and her receiving a new medallion. I’m honored. She’s the first person who has invited me to this momentous event but she’s not the first to reach that milestone. She told me the church and the time; I showed up and spent 25 minutes looking for the group. It was creepy. I got in the church but it was eerily empty. It felt kind of like I was in a horror film. I haven’t seen her since yesterday afternoon when I told her I’d be there. I wonder what she thinks of my “no show”. I also wonder where in the world they were! I asked a couple of different people but the info they gave on where I might find them was not helpful.

Cindi is not my girlfriend anymore. I don’t like that though. I check facebook daily to see if she’s listed as single and rejoice in how her status listing has not changed (then again, I don't know if she realizes her status hasn't changed. She removed it from one part of the site but she's listed as in a relationship in another part of it.). Next week, I need to go to Nashville for my job. My hope is to get her to sleep on my pillow so I can take her scent back home with me. Monday night, my pillow smelt like her and it was heavenly. When I woke up during the night to sniff her (I felt like a hound), her scent was gone. In retrospect, I realize I should have slept on a different pillow and cradled her pillow throughout the night so the smell would have lasted longer. Lesson learned. In many ways, the break up doesn't seem real to me yet.

The gluten free, yeast free pizza was delicious! I am tired of basically eating the same foods over and over. I suppose the intelligent response to that is to read a cookbook and find new things to eat. Instead, I deal with it by sulking.

My cousin and his family that live in VA were in Memphis today and yesterday. I got to sit with them for a few hours today and learned that the wife and kiddies will likely be out of town when I am in their area this summer. That sux!

Again, I’m very tired. Awesome Amy in and out.