joys and concerns

I am really angry this morning. I am here and listening to Christian worship music trying to shrug it off. I have been trying to work the anti-inflammatory diet for about 6 weeks now but have not received the relief I crave. I have not been great about working the plan. In the beginning, I'd give myself a B- on success. Lately, I've been better but I still haven't overcame the damage I did to my body during the east coast trip. It physically hurts me to walk from my apartment to the dumpster now. Every day, I wake up stiff and achy. I'm bent over from it all but straighten up as I walk. To top off the fibromyalgia, I'm having issues with my wrists and shoulders that my doctor thinks is due to carpel tunnel syndrome. Thank God I get to have a nerve conduction study done Monday to test that theory and move forward with the treatment piece. Since my work trip/vacation, Tammy has been complaining that I moan in my sleep throughout the night. Pain? I effin hurt and I'm tired of it. I'm not gonna lie and say I've been living with a level 8 pain these past 6 weeks but fucking with my ability to live my life (e.g., go to the dumpster) is what pisses me off the most about pain. My pelvis hurts. My legs just scream of pain from time to time, like when I lay in bed to go to sleep. Fuck you fibromyalgia. Fuck you capel tunnel syndrome. Fuck you body for working counter to science and not really caring about my changed diet or resumed slow and easy exercising, trying to build you back up. Oh how I want ability back..........

blah. I put it out there but don't feel much better for it. I took trammadol at 6:30am hoping to feel better when I really got up (9:30am)-- didn't work. Hold on-- going to add Tylenol to that formula.

A former roommate taught me how to know which oils are good for me and my issues according to someone she knows. Close your eyes and hold the bottle. If you sway forward, it's for you. If you fall backwards, it's not. Cool, huh? Well, I bought eucalyptus oil based on that premise and she won't mail it to me. That urks me too. Yes I left it but I offered to pay for her to send it to me; what else can I do? It's approaching 2 months of my gluten free cooking magazine (which would be quite helpful), my oil that I hope will relief some pain and is also said to help with sinus issues, my incense that I think smells divine, relaxing, Trammadol which is/was quite important to me, and clothing somehow missed have been trapped at her house. I know she's sick too but it's been long enough that I think it's etching past the patience thing. Plus, she ignored my first voicemail, e-mail, and text inquiring about the status of my things being mailed to me. urg. I was hopeful for them when I purchased those things. Now they are becoming a distant memory, something I won't have to help me in my journey. I do know of an overpriced coffee house that sells the incense and can probably get the oil at Whole Foods. I guess I can rebuild those hopes. * sigh * And yes, I know it's my fault for leaving them and yes, I'm grateful that she contacted me to let me know they were there as I had been searching my place for them.

The good in life? I interviewed for 2 different positions at VA hospital this past week and a half. I especially think the first one went well. My answers were strong at the second one but I wrote down the wrong interview time on my calendar and arrived 15 minutes later than really scheduled (15 min. earlier than what I thought). By this time next month I'm hoping to know whether or not I'm finally in. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. The committe for the home-based care was really warm; they seem like a good team to work with. I'm not as sure about the HUD VASH Social Workers. I like them; I'm just getting nervous. When I thought about accepting the home care position if offered both, my spirit told me that's not my passion. Yes, I can do it but it's not my passion. The HUD position will challenge me as my load will be people that are chronically homeless. That's a special load there, especially since they're looking at those that have been continuously homeless for 1 year or more. The other definition of chronically homeless is 5 or more episodes in 3 years. Okay. That's jacked up but they're showing some resilicency by being housed sometimes. lol. They're gonna set me up with addicts and unmedicated mentally ill people. I really don't know how I'll fare there. But I don't think I can back down. I entered my field dedicted to working with people that are homeless. I started with homeless singles, non-addicted, moved to homeless families, am working with homeless addicts; VASH will just take me up one notch. I have long said I need experience working with the various sub-populations within homelessness. Well here I go. In their homes once they get them. It'll be a cool position. I'll get to give Section 8 (HUD VASH) vouchers to veterans, help them get moved in, and follow them for case management. I'll be working in permanent housing, ya'll. Yea! We'll see.

Pictures from my work trip/vacation:

I got to be in the store for about 2 minutes but it was quite exciting. I bought a window cling. My co-workers waited outside.




Patti Labelle concert the last night of the Catholic Charities conference. Awesome. Wished she was on stage longer but she was great.

Yea for seeing Ingrid, a LaGrange College friend.

And yea for meeting newer family members. This is my cousin Rodesha's daughter. She's one awesome chick.

We fight every week. I've never fought this much with anyone I love. I don't have anyone to call for perspective or release. My best friend wants to hear the details of our relationship about as much as she wants to hear me talk about my best friend. I've had happier moments than this one.

viva la vida loca

Friday, I Went to DC On a business trip. Wed, i hopped on a bus to NY That I Booked Tue. In NY, I ASKED strangers for help in getting to where Tue'S BOOKED tour bus would pick me up. EXHAUSTED from carrying luggage, i got on the bus. That night, ingy from college picked me up and let me hang with her peeps for a min before crashing on her couch. Today, she is going to take me to greyhound where i will buy a ticket to maryland. i just confirmed a pick up from that bus station. Still to come, i need to get from MD to DC for my morning flight home. I've been living a day at a time, trying to stay 1 step ahead of my needs. I don't know about this new style of living where i just pick up my things and go.

NY planning

Dag blasted! I'm supposed to go to New York on Wednesday and ya know what I was planning to do? Go to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Guess what?! F_cking fibromyalgia! I can't. I'd have to walk up 354 steps. Even if I could physically do that over say, 5 hours, I don't have the humility and patience to see what the experience of taking hours to get somewhere would be like. Plus, I'd be in gops of pain the next day. fuck you fibromyalgia! This is one big F you to U. Grrr!

staff night out

About 3 weeks ago, I posted a flyer listing tonight as "Staff Night Out" at Chili's. I promised to pay $10 towards everyone's bill. I also announced this information, sans a date, at our staff meeting in August. How did this attempt at appreciation go? poor, por, PoOrLy! Why do you think people didn't show?

2 out of 3 members of my day staff came. That's a plus. Even if the idea is fundamentally flawed, the people I work with the most showed up. The missing person RSVPed but canceled today through someone else. She's on vacation (in town); I'm not that surprised. Two people are at work. Perhaps I should have made a special attempt to invite them and promise PRN coverage while they were away? That's what we did in the past. I shouldn't have assumed they knew we'd do it again. One person told me it's been busy for him, another had some family things to deal with on tonight. One person from my weekend shift came and someone that works with our clients w/o actually being my staff came. More than anything, I did this for my evening, overnight, and weekend workers. I see them the least and have the opportunity to do things for my day staff most anytime. Only one person from my targeted group came. Should I have recruited for this like a charitable event? Should I have begged to give away my money? Was it personal; do they dislike me? Was it because the event was half-ass as I only offered to pay about 50-75% of their bill, depending on what they ordered? Was it because it's not pay week and they are broke? Pay week is often considered in the planning but tonight was the only Friday I'm available this month. * sigh *

The five people that did come were very nice. They repeatedly thanked me and said things like "this was nice" and "great idea". They said they had fun. Maybe. Whatever. It was a token, right? I tried to offer a token of appreciation and I suppose it was seen even though few people took it. The perk for those that attended is that I bought shared appetizers for all since I didn't have to pay as much as anticipated based on the idea. Truthfully, I could have covered the whole table because less than half my staff showed.

Mood: Like a failure

What's next: More wine, facebook, and electronic gaming

Good Night, World.

road trip

Wednesday, September 8th I left town heading to Nashville so I wouldn't have to wake up super early the next day for a day long conference I was to attend in Brentwood, TN. As usual for such events, I stayed at Cindi's. It was a nice visit because I was scheduled to be there until Friday afternoon so we got to hang out for a bit.

I was a horrible house guest. First, I broke her shower rod and left it and the shower curtain in the floor after trying to wash out her forever backed up tub. That next day, I took my beloved Rooney to Red Box with me to return a video. It was one way of helping him achieve his previous goal of getting out of the house and also a way to overcome the fear that I induced by constantly trying to let him out. I lost Rooney. He meowed a bit as we went to Red Box but calmed down as we continued our trip. He sat on the dashboard and looked around some. I thought he was fascinated and enjoyed our trip. The issue, in my opinion, came upon our return. I drug Rooney out the car and put him down while trying to close my door without catching his tail. Apparently, he saw this as an appropriate signal to crawl into the woods. In retrospect, I responded slowly and stupidly. When he went for the woods, I called him thinking he'd not go in the woods. He went in more. I started moving, too slowly. I should have jumped on him like a baseball player sliding to base. Then I would have had to pay the vet's bill because I crushed his kitty bones. The bright side? Eliott got to eat some tuna as Cindi and I put some in a cat trap we're renting from the Humane Society as our latest ploy to catch Rooney. The other bonus? Eliott can't stand Rooney and is SO happy that he's gone. It's like an at home vacation for him.


Playing with Rooney, losing Rooney, hanging flyers asking other people to help Cindi find Rooney, and setting a trap for Rooney actually framed my entire road trip. I lost him on a Thursday and set the trap on Tuesday.

Thursday, I went to a state-wide alcohol and drug conference. It largely focused on prevention, though it tried to bring a wealth of information on prevention, treatment, and recovery support. It helped me realize the ways prevention influence what we do at the treatment center where I work. What I'm most excited about from the conference was the creation of a new group focused on improving the continuum of care in a&d in West TN. We set a meeting date for our new group. It was born out of the last session of the day where we met specifically with people from our region.

Friday, I drove to Decatur, GA to begin my reunion with my suite mates from college. That night, we talked.

Saturday, we drove to LaGrange to see our old college. They have 2 major expansions: a new library and a new bridge.



The library now has 3 floors; I think there were 2 when I was there. It has more open space and is generally more inviting for people to just hang out there as compared to the previous library.

The bridge, I think, was created after someone got hit trying to cross the street near the college.



Both additions are beautiful. The college was beautiful when I left in 2004; it's gorgeous now.

Sunday was a leisurely at home day. We started a strawberry jam making process. Apparently, it takes like 48 hours to make traditional jam. Damn! That morning, we cut strawberries and soaked them (for 8 hours) in sugar. The rest of the day was for play. One of us wanted tarot cards. New cards were welcomed into our circle. We played board and card games and generally enjoyed the last few hours we had together.



Monday, we continued to make jam. Sadly, it didn't turn out as hoped. I think that perhaps (1) we should have added more pectin and (2) the mixture wasn't boiling strongly enough when we began the 10 minute count down.


Oh well. It's not a science. We tried to do the straight method but ran out of time so we tried to cut corners. Hence, strawberry sauce instead of jam. But, there are ways to fix that and Mandy and I are both working on finding a method that will work.

Monday, I also got to meet new cousins. Sadly, I didn't get to see their dad who I haven't seen in at least a decade. But, his wife and kids were delightful. Below, my cousin and his grandkids.

After playing with kids and dining with my cousin, Larry, I got back on the road. I was going to stay with him except he was going bowling so I would have really just been at staying at his place. I think Nashville is 4 hours from ATL and Memphis 7 so I decided to get half-way home that night so I could be home before Tammy got off on Tuesday. Didn't work. Thank God, I made it safely to Nashville after a dark, traffic and construction heavy 5 hour drive but Cindi made Tuesday adventures that kept me in Nashville until 3:45pm. Finally, I went home to Tammy. Well, to my house where she met me. She's great.

Today is my last day of vacation. It was my day to regroup and do some laundry. I'm 2 loads down with no pictures remaining for upload. The best part, September 15, 2011 will be the one year anniversary for me and Tammy.

Good Night.

UPDATE: Tammy informed me that we are going to observe August 3 as our anniversary because that's when we first talked on the phone. awww.

where I've been lately

with her




still single, no worries (as if you were)